The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire

by David Deida

You must listen to your woman more as an oracle than as an advisor. She usually is speaking in a very tangential, but revelatory, style. She is revealing your unconscious habits that prevent your fullest awakening in consciousness. Your unconsciousness causes her pain. She won’t say it that way, but that’s what she is indicating.

Hear her complaint as the universe giving you signs about your life.

If she can’t trust you with living your life from your deepest wisdom and fullest capacity, she can’t trust you with her life.

You know the amount of bullshit you are kidding yourself with. So does she. It just hurts her more than it does you.

She Doesn’t Really Want to Be Number One A woman sometimes seems to want to be the most important thing in her man’s life. However, if she is the most important thing, then she feels her man has made her the number one priority and is not fully dedicated or directed to divine growth and service. She will feel her man’s dependence on her for his happiness, and this will make her feel smothered by his neediness and clinging. A woman really wants her man to be totally dedicated to his highest purpose—and also to love her fully. Although she would never admit it, she wants to feel that her man would be willing to sacrifice their relationship for the sake of his highest purpose.

If a woman has become the point of your life, you are lost. You have a gift to give, a purpose to fulfill, a deep heart-impulse that moves you.

Be careful not to substitute default responsibilities for true purpose.

If you aren’t living from your core, giving your fullest gifts, everyone will feel your lack of true purpose. Your kids will challenge your authority. Your colleagues will take advantage of you. Your friends won’t expect much of you. And your wife won’t trust you.

Even though she may seem to want to be the center of your life, she doesn’t. She wants you to know the center of your life, however, so she can trust you.

A man’s track record means nothing to the feminine. A man could be perfect for ten years, but if he’s an asshole for 30 seconds his woman acts like he’s always been one. The feminine responds to the moment of energy, forgetting her man’s history of past behavior. A man’s past behavior is irrelevant to his woman’s feeling in the moment. But men base much on another man’s history of behavior, so they think their own track record should count for something. But to a woman, it doesn’t.

Instead of getting angry because she’s so upset that you made one little mistake in a long series of successes, instantly shift the energy between you. Remember, history is irrelevant to the feminine, so your mistake is as easily forgotten as your successes. As soon as you see she’s upset, immediately assume happiness. Shock her with your love.

You Are Always Searching for Freedom The essential masculine ecstasy is in the moment of release from constraint. This could occur when facing death and living through it, succeeding in (and thus being released from) your purpose, and in competition (which is ritual threat of death). The masculine is always seeking release from constraint into freedom. The feminine often doesn’t understand these masculine ways and needs.

To be free is to die to your need to be a separate self. What, then, could be constrained? Ego death, absolute surrender to the point of oneness, is the ultimate freedom. Few men ever release themselves enough to relax in this depth of freedom because they are afraid of absolutely no stress. No stress means no thoughts, no sense of protected self, no mission to accomplish.

The feminine, on the other hand, is not seeking freedom, but love. A woman’s bliss is not in emptiness, but in fullness. Her means is not release, but surrender.

The feminine seeks fullness and abhors emptiness.

When you are unable to express your dark passions with love, then they go underground in your psyche. Your dark desires become disconnected from your heart. Instead of being moved to embrace your woman with masculine force and aggressive passion—throwing her down on the bed, ripping off her clothes, and pinning her down beneath your body as you both yield yourselves in ecstatic loving—you begin to fantasize about controlling and dominating women in unloving ways.

As an experiment, the next time you make love with your woman, feel through your own physical and emotional boundaries into her. Feel into her so deeply that you become unaware of yourself and totally aware of her. Feel yourself move into her, your boundaries dissolving so that you become her, utterly aware of her breath, her movements, her emotions. Love her with more abandon than you’ve ever allowed yourself before. Feel through not only your boundaries, but also her boundaries, so that you are both dissolved in the immense force of your loving. Relax into the force of love so completely that only love remains.

She Wants the “Killer” in You Among many other qualities, a woman wants the “killer” in her man. She is turned off if her man is afraid and wants her to kill the cockroach or the mouse while he stands on a chair and watches. She is turned off if her man wants her to get out of bed in order to check out the strange sounds in the house to find out if a burglar made the noise. Fearlessness, or the capacity to transcend the fear of death for the sake of love, is a quintessential form of the ultimate masculine gift.

Although your woman doesn’t want you to be a killer, she is turned on by your capacity to kill. And, she is turned off by your lack of this capacity.

The dark masculine energy of the warrior, the one who could face death and kill when necessary, is an essential part of you. Today’s current fashion is to suppress both the dark masculine and the dark feminine, so we have a large population of wimpy men and polite women.

She Needs Your Consciousness to Match Her Energy A man must be able to meet his woman with consciousness equivalent to her energy. The feminine destructress must be met by the masculine destroyer. The goddess of devotion must be met by the god of all-pervading love.

As you probably know, your woman is capable of being a witch, a sex slave, an Amazon, a goddess of light, a nurturing mother, a demoness, a luscious lover, a wise teacher, a wild animal, and everything in between. As a general rule, she will keep returning to the energy that you cannot match.

She will never trust your “lighter” masculine capacities until you have proven your “darker” masculine capacities.

Your woman knows your weaknesses better than anybody. She knows where you will falter and give up. She knows the degree of mediocrity you will settle for. And, she knows your true capacity as a full man, a man of free consciousness and love. Her gift, if she is a good woman, is to test you with her darkest moods, over and over and over, until your consciousness is unperturbed by feminine challenge, and you are able to pervade her with your love, just as you are here to pervade the world. In response to your fearless consciousness, she will drench your world in love and light.

there are those who are pretty just on the outside, and those whose beauty springs from their depths.

The natural sexiness of a young woman will always give you energy. You never need to deny this. But the awesome beauty and radiant ease of a deep woman can stop your mind, widen your heart, and suspend your body in the mystery of feminine grace, all in an instant, with a single gaze or touch, regardless of her body’s age.

A man has no excuse; he must cultivate a polarized relationship to his woman and his world if he is to remain in relationship with them.

Every moment you treat your woman as simply a childcare helper or a buddy, you are neutralizing the same sexual differences that would secretly attract you to your female babysitter or business acquaintance.

You can use your desire as a doorway to spiritual oneness. Magnify your desiring to the brink of madness. Sustain it with full breath, relaxed body, and open heart. Embrace your woman, if you have one, and give her what you want from her. Give it all to her. Give it away to her. Give her so much of what you want from her that you can’t tell who is who, the chaser has become the tail, and all motion stops in the intensity of self-release. There is only One.

You won’t be willing to bypass ejaculation until you have experienced the much greater pleasures which lie beyond it. In the meantime, notice how you feel in the minutes and days following ejaculation. If you have accumulated a lot of tension in your daily life, ejaculation will afford you with temporary release and relaxation. But as you live your life with more and more true purpose, you won’t accumulate so much tension during the day. Then, you will discover that ejaculation, for the most part, actually depletes and weakens you.

Excess ejaculations pave the road to living a good life, but not a great life.

Deep down, your woman only wants love, as do you. Her refusal is a form of her fear. She may have childhood wounds that she is afraid of feeling. She may have been hurt as an adult and is afraid that if she opens she’ll be hurt again. But in the present moment, all emotional resistance comes down to the same thing: a refusal to love.

Every time she feels you contorting into your own sensations, she feels you “gone,” not present, not trustable. She may enjoy giving you an ejaculation, but a deeper, perhaps unexpressed, part of herself will not trust you.

Every time she sucks you into an uncontrollable need to ejaculate, she has conquered you. She controls you and masters you. She is in charge, sexually, no matter what manly gestures you make before ejaculating. With a simple flick of her tongue, a silky moan, or a slurping tilt of her pelvis, she can drain you of life. And, deep down, she knows the world can do the same to you.

The bottom line is this: If ejaculation is not completely a matter of conscious choice for you, your woman knows she controls you sexually. And as long as she knows she’s in charge, she won’t trust you enough to relax fully in the force of your loving. She will always keep her heart somewhat protected. Rather than surrender so deeply in your embrace that she is splayed into divine brightness, she will go for whatever moist pleasures she can get before you lose interest.

If you are alone in your home, you could imagine all the tension in the world and inhale the force of life into this tension to open it up. Then exhale, releasing the tension into love to be dissolved, like a handful of salt released into the ocean.

Always pervade through her with your breath, inhaling and exhaling, so that her tension and closure dissolve in the force of your loving, and you dissolve in the giving.

What matters is not when you ejaculate, but how deeply you are able to commune in love, with no boundaries, through the form of sexual embrace.

Take into Account the Primary Asymmetry Intimate relationship is never the priority in a masculine man’s life and always the priority in a feminine woman’s life. If a man has a masculine sexual essence, then his priority is his mission, his direction toward greater release, freedom, and consciousness. If a woman has a feminine sexual essence, then her priority is the flow of love in her life, including her relationship with a man whom she can totally trust, in body, emotion, mind, and spirit. Man and woman must support each other in their priorities if the relationship is going to serve them both.

Super important here

For you, the intimacy is just one aspect of your life. When you are absorbed in your mission, you often forget entirely about your intimacy. For your woman, the intimacy is at the core of her life and colors everything else she does. This is the primary asymmetry in intimacy.

For most men, their woman is replaceable.

you are lodged in the heart of your woman.

You are not replaceable in her perception. She does not frequently consider other options, as you probably do.

you live in a world of relational possibility, she lives in a world of relational actuality.

Your relationship with her is not only at the core of her life, but is also the main...

While it is obviously healthy for every man and woman to learn to become whole and independent, it is self-destructive for your woman to try to lessen the import of your relationship in her life.