It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

we can pull ourselves out of the stories of the narcissistic people who defined us, silenced us, clipped our wings, taught us our dreams were grandiose, filled us with shame, and for a time, stole our joy.

comprehend that there will still be dark nights of the soul, and that the shadow of self-doubt remains a fellow traveler.

all of them felt they were to blame for their situations—they doubted themselves, ruminated, felt ashamed, were psychologically isolated, confused, and helpless.

Focusing on their anxiety without educating them about the patterns within these relationships was like fixing engine problems by putting air in the tires. And those engine problems always seemed to track back to the same place: narcissistic relationships.

The only thing you need to understand about narcissism is that in almost all cases this personality pattern was there before you came into the narcissistic person’s life and it will be there after you leave.

It’s not you.

This isn’t about calling out narcissistic people but rather about identifying unhealthy relationship behavior and patterns. To be given permission to disengage.

understanding narcissism doesn’t mean you have to leave or end contact with people you have complicated relationships with, but instead that you can interact with them differently.

it is a basic human right to be seen and to have your own and separate identity, needs, wants, and aspirations expressed and recognized.

This is not a book about how they tick but rather how you heal.

Often when you get out of a narcissistic relationship or disengage from one, you think of it as an end, but in fact the healing and all that follows is where everything begins.

What separates a narcissistic person from someone who is self-centered or vain or entitled is the consistency and sheer number of these traits in one person. Just being superficial doesn’t mean someone is narcissistic.

Narcissism is about a deep insecurity and fragility offset by maneuvers like domination, manipulation, and gaslighting, which allow the narcissistic person to stay in control. The variable empathy and lack of self-awareness mean that they do not stop to consider the harm their behavior is creating for other people.

because there is such a wide spectrum of narcissism, from mild to severe, we may be having very different experiences of this personality style in our relationships.

Narcissistic people need validation and admiration, and this need motivates much of their behavior.

Narcissistic people are egocentric, but this goes beyond mere selfishness. It is selfishness with a devaluation chaser.

a narcissistic person’s needs will always come first in any relationship.

When the narcissistic person is well regulated, feels they are in control, and has sufficient narcissistic supply—for instance, work is going well, they are getting compliments, they are in a fun new relationship, or they just got a new car—they may be less antagonistic and more pleasant.

grandiosity, which shows up as exaggerated beliefs about the person’s importance in the world,

charming, fun, and charismatic, or at least normal and regulated, to abusive, sullen, and enraged.

As a result, you can’t always anticipate which version of the narcissist you will be dealing with—the grandiose and cheerful one or the dejected, victimized, and angry one.

Entitlement is a core pattern of narcissism, and one of the most problematic.

If rules are applied to them or they are held accountable, narcissistic folks become quite angry and push back because those rules are for ordinary people!

They feel entitled to doing and saying what they want, whenever they want.

she felt complicit in their mistreatment because she didn’t stop him, yet stopping him meant enduring his tantrums or silent treatment for days.

Narcissistic folks can dish it out but they cannot take it. When you give them even the mildest critique or feedback, you must be prepared for rapid, rageful, and disproportionate reactions, and it can be doubly confusing because they will frequently retaliate by criticizing you in far harsher terms.

The lack of empathy and impulsivity mean that they can’t stop to catch themselves and consider how their lashing out may hurt you. Instead, they will issue a hollow apology and get frustrated if you try to hold them accountable.

cognitive empathy—they may understand what empathy is and why someone feels a certain way, and they may use it to get what they want.

Narcissistic empathy can also be performative—to look good to other people, to win someone over—and

The contempt can come out directly, but quite often it surfaces as passive-aggressive digs and jabs.

They are charming, charismatic, confident, curious, and often very well put together and intelligent.

The moderate narcissist offers enough good days to keep you invested and enough bad days that hurt you and leave you utterly confused.

there is one set of rules for them and another for everyone else. They often feel that they are the victim in situations that do not go their way. They do not take responsibility for their behavior and will shift blame onto others for anything that makes them look bad. They are deeply selfish and will choose what works for them to the detriment of you or anyone else.

they are often a devil at home and an angel in the street.

People will see a relatively composed and charming person in public, which is a complete disconnect from what you are experiencing in private.

covert narcissist to refer to the narcissistic person’s ability to pass as a nice person when there are people to impress—in essence they are hiding their narcissism from plain view (but behaving badly when there is no audience).

People with vulnerable narcissistic styles will attribute your success to good luck and their own lack of success to life being unfair to only them.

Because vulnerable narcissists don’t have the charismatic and charming exterior, most people, including therapists, will believe that they are struggling with self-esteem,

communal narcissistic folks get those same narcissistic needs met in a collective way, resulting in a grandiose identity based on what they do for others

drink up the praise and recognition they receive, and get indignant if it doesn’t come.

The self-righteous narcissist expects you to fall into line with how they do things, and any variance from that is not tolerated.

The malignant narcissist is only differentiated from the psychopath in that the malignant narcissist still has that nagging insecurity and sense of inadequacy, which they compensate for through domination, while the psychopath doesn’t experience the anxiety we observe in narcissism.

power, profit, pleasure, or validation. In the simplest framing, the malignant narcissist is a bully: mean, menacing, unrelenting, and overpowering. This is the most dangerous form of narcissism—a sort of last stop on the personality train before it veers into psychopathy station. They have a willful disregard for your needs and safety and exploit and manipulate just about everyone. Their aggressiveness can be manifested physically through violence and abusive displays of anger, insults, and interpersonal cruelty. They have a heightened sense of suspiciousness bordering on paranoia, frequently believing that other people are “out to get them,” which also fuels their aggression.

Bob Barr

narcissism encompasses a series of traits that translate into a series of interpersonally harmful behaviors, and is not just someone’s bad day,

It’s not easy to change a personality. Personality is generally viewed as stable and relatively unchanging.

However, to even nudge personality, a person must be committed to change and believe it will yield a desirable outcome. Even then, under conditions of stress, our baseline personality will pop through.

Personality change may be possible, but the changes require tremendous buy-in from the person making the change.

anyone citing the case of a narcissistic person who made a complete turnaround from tyrant to sweetheart is talking about a unicorn.

The grandiosity and variable, irritable, and reactive moods we observe in narcissism can sometimes result in the narcissistic person’s patterns being attributed to bipolar disorder or to hypomania (a lower-level mania where a person is able to work and function).

ADHD in and of itself is not associated with manipulation, entitlement, or lack of empathy.