It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

Ironically, it’s almost always the people who are in the relationships with the narcissistic people who are getting into therapy, while the narcissists rarely show up for treatment themselves.

Most of us aren’t dealing with the villainous version of narcissism but rather with the folks somewhere in the middle.

As Jordan grew into adulthood, he kept finding himself underemployed, selling himself short, and entering relationships with people he wanted to “fix.”

This behavior is called narcissistic abuse.

invalidation, manipulation, hostility, arrogance, and entitlement, and allow the narcissistic person to retain power and control in the relationship.

The abusive behaviors alternate with periods of connection and comfort.

narcissistic people make you feel small so they can feel safe.

“What does the narcissistic person need?” The answer is control, domination, power, admiration, and validation. How they go about getting that is where the narcissistic abuse comes in.

systematic invalidation, minimization, manipulation, rage, betrayal, and gaslighting with periods of “normal” and “good” thrown into the mix.

Gaslighting is a centerpiece of narcissistic abuse and operates through a systematic pattern of generating doubt about your experiences, memory, perception, judgment, and emotions. Sustained gaslighting causes you to question reality, and it qualifies as emotional abuse.

Gaslighting is a gradual process.

The gaslighter capitalizes on this trust and uses it to dismantle you, which keeps them in power.[2]

Over time you may accept the gaslighting as reality, making it more difficult for you to get out of the relationship.

Gaslighting isn’t a disagreement, nor is it lying. Anyone who has ever tried to show a gaslighter “evidence,” such as text messages or video footage, knows that it doesn’t lead the narcissistic person to take responsibility. Instead, they deflect the focus from the evidence to question your mental fitness, or they keep repeating the distorted narrative.

Or they may twist the situation by making it a reality smackdown.

Ultimately, for a narcissistic relationship to last, you must submit to their reality.

DARVO stands for deny (the behavior), attack (the person confronting them about the behavior), and reverse victim and offender (the gaslighter positions themselves as a victim—e.g., “Everyone is out to get me”—and the other person as the abuser—e.g., “You are always coming at me and criticizing me”).[3]

To be in a narcissistic relationship is to have your needs, feelings, beliefs, experiences, thoughts, hopes, and even sense of self be dismissed and invalidated.

Over time the invalidation steals your voice and ultimately your sense of self.

If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, invalidation is familiar to you; not only were you inconsistently noticed, but when you were, you were often shamed, scorned, or tossed aside. Over time it can feel safer to not be seen.

Narcissistic abuse often entails having your feelings minimized with statements such as “It’s not that big a deal” or “I don’t understand why something so small is bothering you.”

when something happens to the narcissistic person, they feel entitled to it being as big an issue or feeling as they want, but they will diminish the same experience in you.

Narcissistic people use manipulation to control or influence you to achieve a desired goal that may not be in your best interest but is in theirs.

to rope you into doing what works for them.

Narcissistic people may imply that you “owe” them something, with parents even implying you “owe” them because they fed and housed you. The exploitativeness means that there will be a psychological debt that is created if you ever accept a favor, and in the future if you feel uncomfortable with something the narcissistic person is asking of you, they will remind you of what they have done for you in the past.

Narcissistic people feel entitled to their volatile and reactive rage, which is often activated by shame. If you trigger their feelings of inadequacy, they will often target you with either overt aggression (yelling and screaming) or passive-aggression (stonewalling, giving you the silent treatment, showing resentment).[4] They might then feel shame about their show of rage because they actually do know it’s not a good look, so they’ll blame you for it, and the whole cycle begins again.

Rage is the clearest behavioral manifestation of narcissistic abuse, and one that takes a tremendous toll on you.

Narcissistic abuse often consists of the narcissistic person criticizing your family, friends, and workplace,

The result is that you slowly have less contact with people you care about, or those people just no longer come around. The more isolated you become, the easier it is to control you.

narcissistic people are skilled at flying right under the radar,

Narcissistic abuse is characterized by threats big and small:

Narcissistic folks love a fight, debate, argument, or any form of conflict.

“Never wrestle with a pig—you end up dirty, and the pig likes it.”

the narcissist pokes you and tries to provoke a fight.

Unfortunately, if you don’t take the bait, they just keep upping the ante and will bring up issues that matter more dearly to you. Once you take the bait and get frothed up, they then calmly step back and paint you as the dysregulated and volatile one.

Narcissistic abuse always entails blame shifting. Nothing is ever their responsibility or their fault because for a narcissistic person to take responsibility or accept blame means having to accept that they are accountable and imperfect.

In intimate relationships, it’s your fault they cheated.

There is no point in arguing because it will get you nowhere, as narcissistic people will hold firm to their assertion that it is anyone’s fault but their own.

Justifying and rationalizing are key elements of narcissistic abuse and are related to patterns such as gaslighting, manipulation, and denial.

Over time you may begin to feel as bad as you would if you were the one doing something wrong, because you are being used as the justification for the narcissistic person’s bad behavior.

criticism of just about anything you do.

It may be framed as mockery in front of others, and downplayed as a joke, but it may also be indirectly communicated through non-verbals such as eye-rolling. Shaming and embarrassing you is an unconscious way for the narcissistic person to eliminate their own shame by pivoting it to someone else.

that come at you and bring up multiple random things from the past.

Narcissists lie; it’s what they do.

Narcissistic infidelity can be particularly painful, and the narcissistic person may be unapologetic, blame you, and quickly fly into self-preservation mode so they do not look bad to others. We often don’t recognize how impactful and traumatic betrayal can be, but when someone you are counting on betrays your trust, it threatens your sense of safety and undercuts your ability to trust in the future.[6]

Then there is future faking. Have you ever had that experience when the narcissistic person promises to change, or offers you that thing you wanted—whether it’s to get married, move to a certain place, have children, go on vacation, repay you money, get into therapy, etc.—to keep you in the relationship longer, and then it never happens or the goalposts keep moving?

Narcissistic people know what you want, so they offer it to you as a manipulation to draw you back in and keep you on the hook.

But when the year or whatever agreed upon time period passes, the promise is never kept, and you can’t get that year back.

narcissistic abuse is also about deprivation—of intimacy, time, closeness, attention, and love.

Breadcrumbing is a dynamic whereby the narcissistic person in the relationship gives less and less, and you learn to make do on less and less, and even express gratitude for it.