It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula

Narcissistic people are often so resolute in the belief of their goodness, warmth, empathy, and all-around awesomeness that if you already have a devalued sense of your own worth, you are more likely to take the blame (They are saying they are awesome, and I don’t see myself as awesome, so maybe it IS me?). And just when the relationship seems untenable, narcissistic people will often pull a rabbit out of their hats: a vacation, getting something done you had asked about for years, helping someone you care about. Alas, this only magnifies the self-blame, and you may feel you are being ungrateful and should be recognizing how “lucky” you are.

the parent exploits the child’s attachment needs and willingness to internalize the parental guilt and shame (It’s my fault, Mommy, I’m sorry), and over time the child detaches from their own needs and becomes a de facto babysitter of the narcissistic parent. From there on, internalization of shame and blame and taking responsibility for others become reflexive in all relationships.[4] Children cannot divorce their parents, so they must adjust to the antagonistic conditions, and that adjustment looks like self-blame.

Constant apologizing. Appeasing the narcissistic person and walking on eggshells. Taking the blame for actions and occurrences that are clearly not your fault. Overpreparing or taking on responsibility for every detail in a household, workplace, or family.

Creating and giving people multiple options (e.g., multiple meal choices). Attempting to read the narcissistic person’s mind and anticipate their needs. Changing yourself or the environment to please the narcissist (e.g., obsessive housecleaning). Denying your own needs or wants.

When you are narcissistically abused you are told how to feel and what to think, so you lose all sense of who you are and what you are about, which magnifies the confusion.

To slowly realize that the person you love or believe you were supposed to love doesn’t have real empathy, doesn’t appear to care when you are hurt, and will always put themselves first is a bleak realization.

the recognition that it cannot change creates a sense of dread and unfathomable grief.

loneliness may persist if you decide to end the relationship or no longer remain in contact. After an experience with narcissistic abuse, you may feel that you will never trust yourself or others again and become suspicious of everyone. As a result, you may miss out on building future friendships, collaborations, relationships, and opportunities.

The second-guessing can also mean that not only do you not trust the world but you do not trust yourself.

The loss of trust you experience as a result of narcissistic abuse can also extend to a fear of relying on other people.

You may have become very good at making allowances for the narcissistic people’s unpredictability.