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she was told the affairs were her fault for making him feel like he wasn’t important.
She would minimize her career so he felt “safe.”
man who told her that she was being “ridiculous” for expecting so much of him when she had cancer.
now he was supposed to feel sad for her and upend his busy schedule to pick her up from chemotherapy appointments.
he would shame her and call her “the empress” for asking to be dropped off in front of a restaurant
Nataliya doesn’t want to be the one responsible for messing up a lifestyle that everyone is enjoying,
Despite her having both medical and law degrees, he treats her like a personal assistant.
She has struggled with ongoing health conditions, self-blame, and shame,
has become socially isolated from everyone except ...
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tremendous psychological toll on her, which Rafael believed resulted in her premature death.
panic and sadness ebbed and flowed alongside the patterns and behavior within their relationships.
Increasingly, they censored themselves in these relationships and became progressively more numb and restrained
being invalidated or shamed for having a need
just when things seemed as though they were becoming untenable, there would be a decent day,
I gave my clients what had helped me in my own healing—validation and education.
The person who holds the narrative holds the power.
Books about narcissism tend to talk about narcissists. We are deeply curious about these charming people who seem to get away with so much bad and hurtful behavior
What happens to the people who are in the wake of the narcissist?
Why would someone lack empathy or gaslight or manipulate or lie so skillfully or rage so suddenly?
What happens to them? The short answer: it’s not good. This is an uncomfortable conversation.
accept that you are facing predictable, unchangeable, and harmful patterns from someone you love or respect.
the issue is really the harm the narcissistic person’s behavior causes you.
antagonistic, which is a broader and less stigmatized term than narcissistic.
manipulation, attention-seeking, exploitativeness, hostility, arrogance—but also in other antagonistic personality styles,
Narcissistic abuse has changed the course of my career and my life.
was so gaslighted, I thought up was down, that I was to blame, that my expectations for people were not realistic, and that I was not worthy of being seen, heard, or noticed.
radically accepted that none of this behavior would change,
looking at personality, particularly narcissism and antagonism, and how it affects health.
being too sensitive, not trying harder, being too anxious, not being more forgiving, staying, leaving, being judged as harsh for using the term narcissist, and not communicating more clearly.
watched elderly parents be financially abused by narcissistic siblings;
survived invalidating childhoods just to have to survive invalidating adulthoods;
The only thing you need to understand about narcissism is that in almost all cases this personality pattern was there before you came into the narcissistic person’s life and it will be there after you leave.
Recognizing and coming out of these relationships can be a wake-up call to excavate your authentic self, dust it off, and take it into the world.
given permission to disengage.
you were never going to be able to change another person’s behavior.
turning the house lights on and the gaslights off.
This is the beginning of your story, of stepping out of the invalidating shadow
The variable empathy and lack of self-awareness mean that they do not stop to consider the harm
Narcissistic people need validation and admiration,
they can become irritable, resentful, sullen, and aggrieved when they do not get the validation or supply they feel entitled to.
When the narcissistic person is well regulated, feels they are in control, and has sufficient narcissistic supply—for instance, work is going well, they are getting compliments, they are in a fun new relationship, or they just got a new car—they may be less antagonistic and more pleasant.
There is a restless quality to the narcissistic personality, a pursuit of novelty and excitement, which is why we may observe infidelity or frequently shifting romantic partners, overspending and shopping, or frenetic activity.
Their self-appraisal is high when things are going their way, and when things are not, they blame the world and shift to viewing themselves as a victim.
Entitlement is a core pattern of narcissism, and one of the most problematic.
entitlement may be the core pillar of this personality
the rules should not apply to them.
raise his voice and bark at restaurant servers when he didn’t get his way.
they are unable to reflect on what they sound like or how their behavior impacts others.
Narcissistic folks can dish it out but they cannot take it. When
