Redeeming 6 (Boys of Tommen, #4)

by Chloe Walsh

The kitchen door swung inward then, and my eyes landed on my sister and Kavanagh. The minute I looked at her face, I wanted to die. I wanted to drown. I wanted fucking out. Jesus, the guilt was crippling me.

I was empty. I was done.

Dad broke Shannon’s lungs, but he broke Joey’s mind and Mam helped him do it.”

“I’m your mother,” she sobbed, voice slurring. “Why do you hate me so much?” “I’m your son,” I replied, giving her back her words. “Why do you hate me so much?” “Because you’re him,” she slurred, twisting away from me. “Yeah,” I deadpanned, standing up, feeling nothing. “I’m him, and you’re worse.” “Joey, wait,” she cried out as I moved for the door. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, baby… Please don’t leave me.” “Sleep it off, Mam,”

his body stiffened and flinched with every gentle stroke of my thumb on his cheek. Fucking monsters. The both of them.

I wouldn’t be Marie Lynch. My baby would come first.

“I love you.” “I used to think that was true,” she said, tears flowing freely down her cheeks. “But I’m beginning to think that you don’t know what love means.”

“Remember this moment,” she added quietly. “Remember what I looked like the day you broke my heart.”

“I can’t sleep,” he confessed, rolling onto his side to face me. “And I’m so f-fucking tired, queen.” “Why not?” “Because when I close my eyes, he’s w-waiting for me.” “Who, Joe?” I squeezed out, reaching up to wipe a tear from his cheek. “Who’s waiting for you?” “My father.” “No, baby, he’s not waiting for you,” I whispered, closing the space between us and fusing my lips to his. I couldn’t help it. I had to be close to him. “He can’t hurt you anymore, Joe.” “He’s coming for me,” he whispered against my lips, and I felt his tears mix with mine. “He’s coming for a-all of us. We’re going to die in that house, Molloy.” “No, you’re not. Don’t say that, Joe.” “He won’t let her go. He’ll n-never let her go.” “Your mam?” He nodded sadly. “He’ll kill her before he lets her leave h-him.” Sniffing, he added, “I know him, Aoife. I know the b-bastard better than anyone. He’s waiting for his chance.”

“Yeah, and you love that shit you inject into your veins more.” She batted my hand away. “I don’t want anything to do with that kind of love. Keep your love for the drugs.”

“I know he loves us,” I whispered, my gaze flicking to my lap as a tear threatened to spill. “But he just loves that poison he injects in his veins more.”

“Johnny Kavanagh took your brothers?” I gaped at my boyfriend. “Where? When? Why?” “I don’t know.” “Where’s your mam?” Joey shrugged but didn’t respond. “Darren?” Another shrug. “So, it’s left to you to clean up the mess and pick up the pieces.” It wasn’t a question. More of a resigned statement. “Again.”

“How many fucking times do we have to do this?” Joey was demanding, as he ripped at the curtains to flood the once dark room in evening sunshine. “You can’t leave Sean on his own like that!” With my heart racing wildly, I flicked my gaze to the woman curled up in a ball on the bed. Marie. “Just go away, Teddy,” she slurred, clutching her pillow as sob after gut-wrenching sob escaped her. “I’m tired.” “It’s Joey,” he choked out. “Christ, what have you taken?” “Like you can judge me.” “I’m not judging you. I’m telling you to get the fuck up and be a mother to your children!” “I’m so tired.” “And I’m not?” my boyfriend demanded, running his hands through his hair in obvious frustration. “You don’t get to do this, Mam. You don’t get to check the fuck out on them,” he spat out. “You wanted to keep them. You wanted your family together. That was your and Darren’s number one goal, right? To keep the boys here? To pull the wool over Patricia and every other social workers’ eyes. Well, you did it. Congratulations. Because those boys are downstairs. But they’re on their own, Mam. Without a mother or father to look out for them. So, stop feeling sorry for yourself and take some goddamn responsibility!” “I said go away,” she screamed, throwing her pillow at him. “I don’t want you here.” “You don’t want me here,” Joey roared, throwing his hands up. “Well, we have something in common because I don’t want to be here, either!”

“Joe,” I whispered hoarsely when he moved between my legs. “I need you to wear a condom, remember?” He stilled for a moment, and I could see the devastation washing over him in waves before he nodded in shame and reached for the drawer of his nightstand to retrieve a foil wrapper.

You’ve got a little family waiting on you to get better. You can get better, Joe, but you need to want it, lad. You need to fight.” “I just… I don’t know if I have another fight in me,” I admitted quietly. “I’m so tired, Al. In the head. My mind is fucking weary.”

“My sister phones me up hysterical, saying someone attacked her at school, after all the shit she’s been through this year, and you expect me not to retaliate?” he demanded and then shook his head in blatant frustration. “It’s not happening, Molloy. It’s not fucking happening, ya hear? I’m done with this shit. I’m through with letting people stomp all over my siblings.”

“Joey, this isn’t the same thing,” I tried to placate. “What happened to Shannon in the kitchen that day—” “I couldn’t stop it,” he filled in for me. “But I can stop this, Molloy, and I will.”

Sniffling, she looked to her giant of a boyfriend, and only then did the tears she’d clearly been holding back spill over. “Hi, Johnny.” “What the actual fuck!” Johnny roared, first to react, as he closed the space between them and caught ahold of his girlfriend before she hit the ground. “What happened to your face, Shannon?” “I want to go home.” I watched with my heart in my mouth as she fell against his big frame and clutched him tightly. “I just want to go.” “It’s okay.” He inspected every inch of her like she was of the greatest importance to him, and I watched as the big lad was overcome with emotion. “Shh, baby, shh.” Seeing her hurt affected him. No, it was more than that. It crushed him. “Just calm down.”

“Fucking Bella Wilkinson,” Hughie grumbled, coming to stand beside Gibsie. “It’s always something with her.” “Because she is Lucifer with tits,” Gibsie confirmed grimly. “The living, breathing devil in carnage.” “It’s incarnate, Gibs, not in carnage.”

Bella Wilkinson. Why the hell was that name so familiar? “I slept with someone.” “You lost your virginity? To who?” “A girl from Tommen.” “What’s her name?” “Bella Wilkinson.”

“Joey Lynch.” John Kavanagh looked up from the table he was sitting at and smiled. “We meet again.” The fuck? “What are you doing here?” I asked, sinking down on the chair opposite him. “You’re not my solicitor.” “I am today,” he mused, combing through a stack of paperwork that I assumed contained my file. Shit, knowing my luck, the whole damn stack was dedicated to me. “If you’ll have me.” “I’m broke,” I decided to throw out there. “And no offense, but it’s pretty clear from the mansion you live in and the designer suit you’re wearing that you don’t work for free.” “And I’m actually a barrister.” “Even more expensive.” I shrugged, feeling at a loss. “Listen, John, I appreciate this, but I could work for a year and never be able to afford your services, so I’ll just take my chances with the free legal aid rep.”

“So, am I representing you?” “Do I have a choice?” “Not if you want to stay out of prison.” “Fuck.” Reaching up with my still-cuffed hands to scratch my nose, I pointed to the stack of paperwork in front of him. “Is that all about me?” “Every page,” he replied, pushing the stack toward me. “Front and back.” Shoulders slumping in defeat, I leaned back in my chair and studied him. “Why are you helping me?” “Why did you hit the Ryan boy?” I shrugged. “He had it coming.” “Try again.” I met his unyielding stare, before blowing out a breath and mumbling, “You clearly already know why.” “Indulge me.” “Because if I didn’t, your son would have, and he has a hell of a lot more to lose than I have,” I came right out and told him. “Is that indulging enough for ya?” He didn’t look one bit surprised by my admission. Because this man was smart. Hell, he was sharp as a razor. “You protected my son’s future, and now I’m here to protect yours,” he finally said, folding his arms across his chest. “Sounds like a fair trade if you ask me.” “Except that I don’t have one of those.” “I’m sure my wife would argue that statement.” He smiled ruefully before adding, “You’ve won yourself a fan, Joey Lynch.” “Your wife,” I deadpanned, repressing the urge to groan when a sudden pang of intense pain and hunger attacked my senses. Fuck, it was never going away. “Can’t see how when your wife doesn’t know shit about me.” “And you clearly don’t know shit about her—excuse the term of phrase,” he replied with ...

“Well,” he continued, “my wife and I have been doing a lot of talking lately, and we wanted to speak to you about the possibility of—” “We want to keep you!” his wife blurted out, causing John to drop his head in his hands and groan. “All five of you,” she continued, hurrying over to the island and catching ahold of my hand. “Especially you.” She smiled down at me. “I think I want you the most.”

“I’m fucked up,” I admitted, shrugging helplessly. “And I mean I’m really fucked up in the head.” “No, you’re not.” “Yeah, I am.” “That’s okay, love.” “No, it’s not,” I protested with a shake of my head. “You don’t want me in your family. Trust me. But Shannon and the boys?” I shrugged again, filled with desperation. The prospect of getting my siblings out of the shitstorm of a life we’d been born into was dangling in front of me like a gold nugget. God knows I didn’t know these people, and I wasn’t even sure if I trusted them, but right then, in the state we were in, they could offer the kids a hell of a lot more than Mam could. “They deserve a better life than the one they’ve been dealt.” Swallowing roughly, I forced myself to say, “They deserve to have parents.” “From what I can tell, they’ve always had one,” John said, giving me a meaningful look. “You’ve been one hell of a father, Joey Lynch.”

Do this for them. You can save them. Get them out. Trust these people.

“But you’re supposed to sit your leaving cert next month.” “Doesn’t matter.” “Yeah, it does,” he argued, tone passionate for a fella whose future this didn’t affect. “It does fucking matter.” “I wasn’t going anywhere anyway, so it’s all the same to me,” I replied, which was mostly true. I never planned on college. I never planned on leaving Ballylaggin. I couldn’t, so why worry about it? “What the hell, Joey? This is important,” my sister’s boyfriend argued. Turning back to his father, he asked, “Is there anything you can do for him?” “My hands are tied, son. Joey here has a record for violence that makes Gibsie look like a saint.” John sighed heavily. “They’re unwilling to negotiate having him return to school—not even to sit his exams.” Of course they weren’t. Those fuckers had wanted me out since first year.

“I’ll never be you,” I snapped, backing up further. “I’d rather slit my fucking wrists than become you!” “You’re already me,” he roared heatedly. “You’ve always been me, boy. Look at ya,” he pushed, closing the space between us and clamping a beefy hand on my shoulder. “You can’t leave her alone any more than I can leave your mother. Isn’t that proof enough for ya?” My blood ran cold. His words rocked me to my core. Because he was voicing my deepest fears aloud. Worse, he was voicing the truth. Because it was true. I couldn’t leave Molloy alone. The resemblance was uncanny, and it caused my mind to spiral. “It’s not the same thing,” I strangled out, feeling my body bow from the pressure as I jerked away from him, while drowning in the comparison. “I would never hurt her the way you hurt Mam.” “That’s what I used to think,” he replied. “I used to think I’d never hurt your mother the way my old man hurt mine. Believe it or not, I’ve loved her my whole life. I can remember how it felt at the beginning. How special she was. How much I adored her. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t repeat my own father’s mistakes.” He choked out a humorless laugh. “And look where I am, boy.” “My mother was a vulnerable teenage girl, and you took advantage,” I choked out, trembling. “You’re a fucking monster!” “Do you think I was born this way, boy?” he demanded, taking another swig from his bottle. “I’m a product of my upbringing. Same as you.” “I’m not you,” I ground out. “I refuse to be you.” ...

“Because you broke me!” “That’s not true,” Mam cried out, shaking her head. “Take it back.” It was true. It was the truest thing that had ever come out of my mouth, dammit. “You fucked my head up worse than he ever did. He used his fists, but you? You got in my head,” I admitted, on a roll now, as pain and poison spilled from my lips. “You broke my mind.” I slammed the heel of my hand against my temple, desperately trying to emphasize to this woman just how badly she had damaged me. “I don’t work right anymore, and it’s because your voice is stuck in my head! The sound of you crying and begging me to help you is all I can hear!” “Joey—” “Every time I close my eyes, you’re there. In my head. Crying for me. Begging me. Screaming, ‘Save me, Joey, save me!’” “Joey, stop—” “But I couldn’t ever save you, Mam,” I cried, hating myself for my weakness as tears trickled down my cheeks. Hating myself for still loving her. “I couldn’t save you because you didn’t want me to! You wanted him to be here! You wanted all of this to happen—”

“I’m sorry.” You’re going to be okay. I’ll make sure of it. “But I’m going to explode if I stay in this house.” “You mean for the night? You’ll go to Aoife’s and come back tomorrow, right?” No. I wasn’t going to Aoife’s. I wasn’t coming back, either. “Joey, please.”

“Joey, please,” she sobbed, clinging to me just the same as always. “What about me?” What about her? What about Tadhg? What about Ollie? What about Sean? What about Darren? “What about me?” I broke down and cried. “What about me, Shannon? What about me!” “I love you,” she wept, unwilling to let me go. “I do. I love you so much, Joe. I care about you. You’re important to me. We can figure this out.” Desperation filled her voice. “We can get through this together. You don’t need to do—”

And then I did the best thing I could do for her. For all of them. I walked away. “Where’s he going?” “Is he leaving us?” “Forever?” “But he can’t go!” “Joey, don’t go!” “Joey, think about this!”

“O-ee. O-ee.” Sean’s voice almost broke me, and I sucked in a shuddering breath, too afraid to turn around and look at the baby I’d given up so much of my life to raise. “I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t care about stuff, Joey,” she cried, throwing her arms around me. “I only want you.” “I’m done.” I had to be. For both of their sakes. Trembling, I reached into my pocket and retrieved the folded-up letter I’d written her after leaving Shane’s. “I’m done dragging you down with me,” I whispered, slipping it into the front pocket of her hoodie without her noticing. “I’m sorry.” “Please!” “I can’t.” I would not turn her into the woman in my kitchen. I loved her too much to allow that to happen. My father didn’t do the right thing for the mother of his children, but I would do it for mine. “I’m so sorry.” “Don’t go,” she cried out, when I stepped around her and moved for the road. “Please. Please don’t go, Joey. Joey! I love you!” I love you too. More than this life. “I know,” I forced myself to shout. “And it’s not good for you to love me.” “Joey, I need you.” “No, you don’t!”

“You need to let me go, Aoife. That’s what you need to do!” It was the only thing I could do for her. It was the right thing to do for her. “What about the—” “Just go home, and don’t come back here,” I called over my shoulder, blinking the tears from my eyes, as I forced myself to walk away from her. It’ll all be over soon. “Do yourself a favor and forget about me!”

Come back. I wasn’t sure if I was thinking the words or screaming them. But I knew. I knew this was different. Something had changed in Joey. I saw it in his eyes. He was resigned. He was finished. For him, the fight was over.

Mumbling something about needing to go home, I climbed into the driver’s seat and cranked the engine before quickly tearing away. It wasn’t a lie. I was going home. I just needed to find him first. Because that boy was my home.

Good. The current would take me quickly. All I had to do was let go. Just close my eyes and let myself fall. Eerily at peace with my decision, I tossed my bag into the water and watched as the river swallowed it under and washed it away. That could be me. I could just disappear. I will disappear. It’s the best thing for everyone. Especially her. Because she’ll never stop fighting for me while my heart’s still beating. And I’ll never stop dragging her down. “Don’t do it,” a voice called out, and I stiffened before reluctantly twisting around to find a familiar blond watching me from the Rosewood side of the bridge. “Don’t, Joey.” Clad in an oversized hoodie, Lizzie Young slowly walked toward me. “Don’t.” “Just turn around and walk away,” I replied, bone-weary, as I turned my attention back to the river. “Just…leave me alone.”

“You don’t get it.” I shook my head, trembling. “I’m not good for her.” “Then get good for her, dammit,” she snapped as the sound of fire engine sirens filled the air. “Don’t throw in the towel and ruin her life before it’s even started. Because that’s what you’ll do. You jump and you’re killing more than just yourself. You’re killing everyone that loves you. You’re sentencing them to a life in prison. Trust me. I should know.” “I’m trying to do the right thing,” I pleaded. “Please just let me do the right fucking thing for once in my goddamn life!”

Tell them I was sorry. Tell them I loved them. Tell my son that I loved him. Tell yourself that I loved you most. I’ll be seeing ya, Molloy. xx

“Mam!” I cried out, feeling my tears dampen my cheeks. “Save her!”

“I have them, Joey.” Four words that shook the foundations I was standing on, followed swiftly by four more. “I got them out.” “You have them?” Dizziness engulfed me as I tried to comprehend what the fuck he was saying. He had them? My kids? He had them? “You got them out?” He nodded vigorously as his arms came around my body. “Ollie, Tadhg, Sean, and Shannon.” Ollie. Tadhg. Sean. Shannon. Johnny Kavanagh had them?

Mam. She didn’t make it. Flinching, Kav spun us around, but it was too late for me. I’d already seen it. I’d seen them. Him and her. My parents. Lying side by side. Even in death. “This is my fault.” “No.” Hauling us both under the tape that was cordoning off my childhood home, Kav pulled me along toward a familiar Mercedes. “This is his fault, Joey. His.” “I was high,” I confessed, feeling like my mind was slipping on me as I struggled to take everything in. As I checked the fuck out. “I lost my head and walked out on them.”

“Jesus Christ.” Another horrific visual of her hand flashed in my eyes. “My mother.” “This is not on you. So, don’t you dare let that bastard get in your head,”

Was it self-preservation? Was it a mental breakdown? Had I jumped off the bridge? Was I in hell now? It felt like I was in hell. I was trapped in a nightmare. Wake up. Wake up, Joey. “Joey, you’re going to come home with us now, okay?” a familiar voice was saying, but I didn’t know where it was coming from. My heart was beating so hard that it was making my eyes blur. Or maybe that was the tears? “We’re going to take care of you, and that’s not me asking you, son. That’s me telling you.” You jumped. Don’t worry, you jumped. None of this is real. It’s not happening. “I should have been here,” I heard myself say—to who, I wasn’t sure. But I said it. “It’s my job to keep them safe.” “They are safe.” Someone was holding me. There was an arm around my shoulder and a big hand covering mine. “And so are you.” Was it God? Was it the Devil? Where the fuck was I? “No,” I mumbled drowsily as I felt the last strand of my sanity snap. “It was my job to keep her safe.”

“Of course it’s arson. The bastard burned her alive! It’s a murder-suicide.” Her hand. “He tried to take the kids out with him.” Why the fuck could I not get the image of her hand dangling out of that body bag out of my head? “The doctor is on the way again. He’ll look after them both.” That’s your mother, asshole. She’s cold on a slab now. Because you couldn’t stay.

“Have you ever considered that she might be the one pouring life into him?”

Whoever was sitting to my left reached over and wrapped their arm around my shoulder, and that’s when I knew I was broken. Because I didn’t flinch. Because it didn’t hurt. Because I didn’t care. “Give me a pen,” I managed to say, using every ounce of strength I had left inside of me to lift my head off the table. “I’ll sign.” “Thank Jesus.” “You’re doing the right thing, son.” “Promise me something,” I mumbled. “Anything, Joey love.” “I’m so proud of you, Joe.” Scrawling my name across the page, I released the pen and dropped my head in my hands, feeling like I didn’t have an ounce of life left inside of me. “Promise me you’ll keep her safe from me.” “Who, Joey love?” “Molloy.”

“Shannon has Johnny, and you have Alex,” Edel explained calmly, reaching out a hand to stroke my back reassuringly. “Joey has Aoife.” “She’s not good for him right now.” “I’ll show you something not good for you if you don’t shut up,” a little old lady ordered from her perch on an armchair by the fire. “The cheek of ya, laying down the law in this kind woman’s house.” “But Nanny—” “Don’t you ‘but Nanny’ me,” she chastised, holding up a wrinkly finger. “You’re not too big for a clip around the ear, young man.”

“You’re a good girl.” Her eyes burned with emotion. “With a heart of gold.” I shrugged in response because I didn’t know what to say. “You should take her to him and watch her work her magic,” Nanny said then, turning to Edel. “Return my grandson’s heart to him, and he’ll start living again.”

His gaunt features. His haunted expression. His vacant eyes. “My Joey.” His body twitched. “My baby.” His body shook harder. That’s it. Follow my voice. “Come back to me.” With trembling hands, I stroked his cheek and brushed his hair out of his eyes, before leaning in close to nuzzle him. “Because I’m not giving you up.”