Keeping 13 (Boys of Tommen, #2)

by Chloe Walsh

Trembling, I squeezed his hand and sagged against his chest. “I’m sorry.” “Don’t even say that,” he whispered, wrapping me up in his arms. “I smell like fish,” I warned him. “You’ll get it on your clothes, too.” “I don’t care,” he whispered, dropping a kiss to my hair. “I love fish, I love you, and I still want to eat you for dinner.”

Doubt was setting in, unfamiliar and unnerving, and like usual, I began to overthink everything. I had an issue with my brain. It moved too quickly, thought up too much crazy shite, whizzed around too fast. Most of the time, I managed to remain in control with routine and structure, but I was struggling today. That phone call this morning, added with what had happened at school, had thrown my mind into a spin. Everything was up in a heap, my brain cells were shot to shite, and I was second-guessing everything.

“Joey,” Mam said gently. “You’ve been traveling down a very long road, love. Maybe it’s time to rest those feet and let someone else carry the load for you.” Silence. “Let me help you.” More silence. “Let me save you, Joey.” “You can’t,” he choked out, cracking his knuckles anxiously. “There’s nothing left to save, Mrs. Kavanagh. So please just stop.”

Nodding stiffly, he walked toward the hallway door, only to hesitate in the doorway. “Thank you,” he said in a low voice, glancing over his shoulder. “For everything.” “No problem, Joey,” Dad replied. “Remember what we said. The offer’s on the table and it has no expiration date.” Nodding stiffly, Joey muttered, “I’ll think about it,” before disappearing down the hallway. The sound of the front door slamming reverberated through the house a few seconds later.

“They’re not a pick and mix,” Mam continued to rant, not giving my father a chance to speak. “You don’t get to pick and choose your favorites and leave the rest in the box. There’s five of them, and broken, bent, or out of shape, I want them all!”

“I’m taking them,” Mam confirmed with a determined gleam in her eye. “All of them.” “Jesus,” Dad muttered, running a hand through his hair in clear exasperation. “I don’t know how I’ve survived living in a house with two bulldozers.” “Great food and even greater sex, that’s how,” Mam shot back, not missing a beat. Dad smirked. “That’s true.”

“You know, I sat in that cell for hours, thinking how did this happen to me—” His voice broke and he dragged in a trembling breath before continuing. “How did I end up the way I am—all fucked up in the head. But then I called you,” he added, lip wobbling as he locked eyes on Mam. “I called you to come help me and you didn’t pick up.” A lone tear trickled down his cheek. “And then I knew. I said to myself, That’s how. That’s how I turned out like this.” Sniffling, he locked eyes on Mam. “Because you broke me!”

“I need you to take care of yourself, okay? I need you to do that for me.” Clutching the back of my head, he stepped forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Don’t depend on her or Darren or anyone else, because in the end the world will let you down. They will all let you down.” “And you?” I choked out, tears flowing freely down my cheeks now. “Does that include you?” “Especially me,” he choked out before brushing past me and moving for the stairs.

Numb to the bone, I hurried over to kneel beside her. “I’m sorry.” Wrapping my arms around her shoulders, I hugged her tightly. “I’m so sorry.” She turned her face into my neck and cried hard and ugly, shaking so badly that I was afraid she was going to have a seizure. “Make him come back,” she begged, wrapping her arms around her stomach. “Please! I need him.” Me too… “Shh.”

Trembling from head to toe, Tadhg skated across the floor to my other side, burying his face in my side, and my heart cracked clean open. I knew this kid was prideful. He was badass for twelve. To see him fall apart like this was sobering. Smoothing a hand over his blond head, I carefully moved for the door with the three of them literally hanging off me, wary of the liquid on the floor and never once taking my eyes off the kitchen doorway as I moved.

Johnny opened my door and smiled down at me. “Come on, Shan. Let’s go inside.” Oh, thank god. I blew out a ragged breath. “Are they sure?” He nodded and reached for Sean. “Come on, big man.” Lifting my baby brother into his arms, Johnny held a hand out for me. “Let’s get you all warmed up.” Glancing to Ollie and Tadhg, he said, “Come on, lads, my ma’s getting the ice cream out for ye.” “Score!”

“Thank you,” I croaked out, teeth chattering, as my heart thudded a rhythm of adoration for the boy standing in front of me. “For everything.” “I’d do anything for you, Shannon like the river,” Johnny replied gruffly, pulling me in to his side. “Anything.” I believed him, but I wished he didn’t have to.

“What? I didn’t know Johnny had a sleepover,” Ollie replied, sounding puzzled. “You never said.” “That’s because she was too busy.” Tadhg chuckled. “She was all ‘Oh, Johnny, yes! Please!’” “I was not,” Shannon spluttered. “You little liar.” “‘Kiss me, touch me, hold me, love me,’” Tadhg mocked in a girlish voice. “‘Mwah, mwah, mwah. Yes, I love your rugby balls—’” “Tadhg!”

“She’s dead?” I whispered, feeling tears drip down my cheeks. “But I told her I’d go back for her,” I choked out, shaking my head. “Jesus Christ, I should have made her come with me!” My father’s arms came around me. “Shh,” he whispered, holding me up when my body felt weak to the bone. “It’s okay. I’ve got you.” “I left her there, Da,” I choked out, clutching my father. “I left her in that house!” “Do you know what you did tonight?” he asked, tightening his hold on me. “You saved four children.” “No.” I clenched my eyes shut and buried my face in his neck. “Don’t say it like that—” “They would have burned to death inside that house if you hadn’t been the crazy, reckless, brilliant man you are,” he continued. “They wouldn’t have had a chance in hell of getting out of there, son.

“Mammy, no, no, no! Not my mam…not my mam.” A tear slid down my cheek as I watched her, feeling more helpless than I ever had in my life. Crouching down beside her, I placed a hand on her knee. “Shan—”

I remained exactly where I was, keeping my hands to myself, as I waited for her to take what she needed from me. Eventually, she did. With a huge sob, Shannon scrambled onto my lap and threw her arms around my neck, clinging to me in a way I knew I would never fully deserve. “Don’t leave me—” Tightening her arms around my neck, she buried her face in my chest and whispered, “Please don’t go…” Exhaling a broken sigh, I wrapped her up in my arms and held her to me. “I won’t.” Tightening my hold on her frail body, I rocked her gently. “I’m right here.” Exhaling a ragged breath, I ducked my face and dropped a kiss to her hair. “I promise.”

“‘Shh, little darling…’” “You’re s-singing.” Sniffling, she clung to my chest. “‘Here Comes the Sun.’” I was singing. I was doing whatever I could to make this better for her. “That’s m-my Granda Murphy’s s-song,” she hiccupped. “You remember me t-telling you t-that?” “Yeah.”

“Mammy,” I slurred brokenly, not even recognizing my own voice now. “My mam—” “You’re my little darling,” Johnny whispered. His large hand cupped the back of my head as he held me to his chest, slowly rocking our bodies. “My little darling is safe with me.”

“Joey…” I tried to blink, but my eyes wouldn’t open back up. “Joey’s…all gone…” “I’ll find him,” Johnny whispered. “I’ll bring him back for you.” “You…promise?” I croaked out, feeling a thick wave of exhaustion sweep through me. “I promise” were the last words I heard Johnny say before I stopped clinging on and let the darkness take me away.

“You left.” Tadhg’s sharp voice came from the sitting room doorway. Tears dripped down his cheeks as he stared at Joey, jaw jutting out. “You fucking left us!” “Leave him alone,” Ollie defended, sniffling. “He’s back now.” “O-ee no go,” Sean croaked out. “O-ee stay with Sean.” “I know,” Joey choked out, voice trembling, as he stared back at his brother. “I’m sorry.” “I hate you!” A small sob of pain tore from Tadhg’s throat, and then he was running, barreling against Joey, folding himself up in his big brother’s arms. “I fucking hate you,” Tadhg sobbed as he clung to Joey. “I hate you so much.” “I know.” Clenching his eyes shut, Joey held all three boys against him. “Me too.”

When my eyes landed on the silver Ford Focus parking up outside, and the familiar blond head climbing out, I felt my body give out beneath me. “I’ve got you, Johnny,” Gibsie said, wrapping his arms around me just before I collapsed in a heap. “I’m right here, lad,” he whispered, lowering us both to the ground. “Let it out.” So I did.

“Gibs?” “Yeah, lad?” “Don’t go home yet, okay?” He paused on the ladder, hands clasping the wooden frame, and I watched as a multitude of emotions flashed across his features. Finally, he climbed back up and reclaimed the space beside me. “You know, if you wanted to watch the sun come up with me, you only had to say, lad,” he mused, nudging my shoulder with his. “Yeah.” I choked out a hollow laugh. “That’s what it is.”

“And you’re up pretty high there, buddy.” “I’m revamping our old tree house,” I replied as I dangled from a branch of the old oak, with a hammer and nails in hand. “And I’m not afraid of heights,” I bit out. “I’m warily cautious of anything that poses the threat of me plummeting to my death.”

“She’s superstitious,” Feely said with a noncommittal shrug. “And they’re at silage this week, so she won’t be taking him out of the field for a while.” “Great,” Hughie groaned. “We’ll just swelter so.” “You guys are so fucking weird.” I chuckled. “You seriously believe putting a little holy statue out in a field brings the good weather?” “You’re damn straight we do, city boy,” Gibsie shot back. “It’s one hundred percent effective. Same as when my nanny lights a candle for me before exams. It’s bulletproof.” I rolled my eyes. “Culchies.”

“I know what it’s like, Johnny,” Gibsie barked. “I’ve been there, so I can tell you to stop. I have the right and the experience to tell you to get a fucking grip. You did what you could and you did a damn good job. Now enough. Stop torturing yourself. Dwelling won’t change what happened to her. All it’s going to change is what happens to you—present and future tenses.” I stared across the tree house at him for a long moment before a reluctant smile pulled at my lips. “You’d be a fucking terrible counselor, Gibs.” “You’re smiling, aren’t ya?” he shot back, giving me a lopsided grin.

“My Joey,” she whispered, cupping his cheek in her hand. “My baby.” A shudder rolled through him and he tightened his hold on the pillow, feet twitching sporadically. Leaning her face close to his, she gently nuzzled him with her nose. “Come on back to me,” she coaxed, whispering in his ear as she smoothed her hand over his hair and then his cheek and jaw. “Because I’m not giving you up.” He shook harder, limbs spasming, as a pained groan tore from his throat. My eyes widened in shock. It was the first noise he had made in days. “I know,” Aoife continued to whisper as she touched him and petted him like he was a small child. “You’re in there, aren’t you? Hmm?” She pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I see you, Joey Lynch.” She stroked her nose against his and whispered, “You can’t hide from me.” His hand shot out then, moving straight to her abdomen. “That’s it,” she encouraged, pulling his head onto her lap and cradling him there. “Come on back to me, baby.” Another pained noise tore from his throat and he buried his face in her abdomen, shaking violently. “It’s okay,” she whispered, leaning over his broad shoulders to hold him close. “You can’t scare me away.” Her blond hair pillowed around them as she whispered, “You’re mine, remember?”

“Flanker?” Tadhg snickered, darting up the ladder once Feely and Hughie had climbed down. “More like wanker.” “Oh now, he’s my favorite.” Hughie laughed.

“Are you okay, Johnny?” Ollie called out, sounding worried. Ah, shite. I can’t even kill him in peace. “I’m grand, lads.” Snatching Gibsie’s T-shirt out of his hands, I pressed it to my head and forced a smile when all I wanted to do was throttle my best friend. “Make sure you both come back to the house before it gets too dark,” I added, before turning my back on the tree house and mouthing, “You better run, bitch,” to Gibsie who was already legging it in the direction of the house.

“Gerard, you don’t throw hammers at Johnny,” Mam repeated for the tenth time when we walked back into the kitchen, having just returned from the out-of-hours doctor for a quick stitch-and-go. “Fine,” Gibsie huffed, folding his arms across his chest. “But you remind him right back of what he’s not supposed to do to me.” “Oh, Lord, save me from the stupidity of teenage boys.” Setting her handbag down on the island, Mam ushered us both onto the stools and sighed heavily. “Johnny, you don’t smother Gerard with your bloodied T-shirt and trip him up. You know he gets squeamish around bodily fluids.” “My bloodied T-shirt,” Gibsie corrected, narrowing his eyes at me. “It was my bloodied T-shirt to match my broken chin.” “You didn’t break your chin,” I scoffed. “You grazed it.” His mouth fell open. “I have a gaping hole in my face!” “Yeah.” I glared back at him. “To match the gaping hole in my head!” “I have four stitches,” he growled, pointing to his bandaged chin. I pointed to my bandaged head. “I have six!”

“You really like this one, don’t you?” Gibsie mused, watching as I lowered my head for Sean to investigate my bandage. “You’re going soft, Kav.” “Look at him,” I defended, pointing at my girlfriend’s baby brother. I’d spent a lot of time with this kid since they all moved in. Sean always seemed the happiest to see me, and he was too bleeding heartbreaking to ignore. I knew it wasn’t right to favor children, and I’d never admit it aloud, but if I had my pick of the bunch it would be this one every single time. And maybe Ollie. Screw it, I liked them all, but this one? He was something else. “Look at those big eyes,” I ordered, pointing at Sean’s big chocolate-button eyes.

Sean nodded happily. “Onny.” He smashed my cheeks in his hands. “My Onny.” “Your Onny?” Gibsie teased. “No, no, I don’t think so.” Draping an arm over my shoulders, he said, “This is my Onny.” Sean’s face reddened. “My Onny.” Clutching my face in his tiny hands, he pulled me closer. “My Onny.”

“He doesn’t have any trouble,” I replied in a baby voice, pulling a face at Sean. “You’re just taking your time, aren’t ya, buddy?” Sean nodded happily and I knew he didn’t have a notion of what I was talking about, but he was so fucking cute that he made me laugh anyway.

“You did not teach the baby to bark!” “Onny oof,” Sean barked. “Onny shite oof.” “Johnny!” Mam gasped. “You did not teach the baby to curse.” “Ah, shite,” I groaned. “Ah, shite, Onny,” Sean mimicked, rubbing my head. “Ah, shite.” “And that’s enough playtime with Johnny.”

“What happened?” “Well, it all started back in the spring of 1988 when Gerard Gibson entered the world. Ten years later, he was thrown into my life and it all went to shite from there.” I chuckled and then mentally kicked my own ass for cracking jokes. “Sorry.” “It’s okay,” she whispered, tugging on the hem of her vest nervously. “I miss you.”

“I’m sorry.” Shaking my head, I buried my face in her neck and whispered the words I’m so sorry over and over until I felt like I couldn’t breathe. She was crying right along with me, and I knew I would never fully get over the decision I made that night. “If I could go back I would,” I promised her. “I’d change it all—” “Look at me,” Shannon sobbed and I shook my head. I was too ashamed. “Johnny Kavanagh, look at me.” When I didn’t comply, she cupped my face in her small hands and forced me to look at her. “I’m sorry,” I whispered again, feeling tears trickle down both cheeks. “So sorry—” My words broke off when her lips crashed hard against mine. Shuddering into her touch, I kissed her back, feeling the dampness of her tears mix with mine. “You don’t say ‘sorry,’” Shannon croaked out, dragging her lips away from mine. “You don’t apologize to anyone because you didn’t do this. You are good. You saved me. So many times. So, you don’t put that on you. Not ever.” Sniffling, she wiped my cheeks with her thumbs and blew out a shaky breath. “Are we clear?”

“Your skin is always so hot,” she whispered when I draped an arm around her and tucked her into my chest. “It’s nice.” Shifting around so that my other arm was under her head, she nuzzled her cheek against my arm and inhaled a deep breath. “You smell like home.” Shivering, I curled my body around hers and pressed a kiss to the curve of her jaw. “You are home.”

Please, God, don’t let me fuck this up… My phone pinged then, alerting me to a text message. Scrambling for my phone, I quickly unlocked the screen and clicked into the message. S: You’ve got this, Johnny Kavanagh. Go show them what you’re made of and shine. I’m proud of you. I love you. (A crazy fucking amount.) xx Fuck me.

“Johnny?” Darren called out in a hoarse voice, turning his attention to my boyfriend, who was sitting next to Aoife in the second row and pulling faces at Sean. Snapping his attention to us, Johnny straightened up, looking like he’d been caught red-handed doing something he wasn’t supposed to. “Yeah?”

“I told you not to come,” he told her, trembling. “And I told you to save your breath,” she replied, tipping her chin up to face him. “You shouldn’t be here,” he choked out, shaking his head. “You know it’s not good—” “I don’t care,” she cut him off by saying. “Now put your arms around me and hold me like you’re not going to see me for another three months.” “Jesus—” Shuddering, Joey pulled her close and rested his forehead against hers. “You don’t wait, do you hear me?” Sniffling, he cupped her cheeks in his trembling hands and looked into her eyes. “You live your life, okay?” “You shut up, Joey Lynch,” she sobbed, gripping his sides. “I love you.” “You shut up, Aoife Molloy,” he shot back gruffly and pressed a kiss to her brow. “I love you, too.” “I’ll be here when you get out,” she told him. “Don’t be here,” he choked out. “Be somewhere better.” “I don’t take orders from you,” she squeezed out. “You should know that by now.”

“Because I’m going to need you healthy, okay?” “Aoife, I’m a bad bet—” “Okay?” He heaved a heavy sigh and nodded. “Yeah, okay.” “Now, give me a kiss and tell me you love me,” she instructed, lip wobbling. “And make it a good one.”

Slipping his hand into his tailored suit pants pocket, he pulled out a handful of mini bags of chocolate buttons and passed them around to Tadhg and Ollie, who were grinning in delight. “Don’t be jealous,” Johnny warned Gibsie who was scowling at my brothers. “You’re on a diet—and you’re a grown-ass man.” “Don’t worry, my old flower,” Mr. Kavanagh said before tossing a packet to Gibsie. “I’ve got some for you, too.” “Score!” Gibsie snickered as he ripped open the packet and wolfed them down in one mouthful.

“Were you looking at his ladder?” Claire’s cheeks reddened and Hughie turned his glare on Gibsie. “Did you corrupt my sister?” “No…” Claire replied, cheeks burning red now. “I…uh, just spotted it.” “You spotted it,” Hughie repeated, tone laced with disbelief. “And where did you happen to spot his pierced dick, Claire?” “Johnny got the call up!” Gibsie blurted out, throwing me right under the bus. “Johnny got the call up. Johnny got the call up. Focus on that!” “What?” Hughie’s eyes widened and his head snapped toward me. “You got the call up?”

“Take this. It’s yours,” before pressing a hard kiss to my lips. “Take it and shine.” “I’m scared,” I whispered in her ear, not giving two damn shites that our friends were lurking around, eavesdropping. I needed to get this off my chest before I exploded. “I’m scared to take this and lose you.” “I’m yours, too,” she promised. “You can have both.” “I’ve been fighting for this my whole life, Shannon,” I choked out, feeling my chest constrict so tight that I struggled to breathe. “This isn’t a whim to me.” She nodded. “I know.” “I have to do it,” I confessed, begging her with my eyes to forgive me. “I have to see it through.” She smiled. “I know.” “Then why does it feel all wrong?” I choked out. “It’s not wrong, Johnny,” she whispered. “It’s right and that’s what’s scary.”

“You want normal?” Gibsie asked, giving her a wolfish grin. “I can do that.” “He can’t,” Lizzie interjected. “It’s physiologically impossible for him to act like a normal human.” “Oh, and there she is, the viper,” Gibsie countered in a sarcastic drawl. “Fair play, girl. You kept that poisonous tongue of yours under control for over an hour.” “Eat shit,” Lizzie growled. “I’d eat shit before I’d eat you,” he shot back. “I’m devastated,” Lizzie fake-gasped. “Watch me wipe my tears,” she added, using her middle finger to wipe her cheek. “Are you two ever going to get along?” Claire groaned. “Even for one day?” “Nope,” they both replied at the same time before glowering at each other.

“Sex and the camping trip,” I blurted out anxiously, the words pouring out of my mouth like vomit. “And no grandchildren!” He coughed louder this time, his face turning slightly purple. “Christ,” he finally choked out, eyes trained on his plate. “That’s a lot of information to take in on a Friday evening.”

“No, no, no—” I called out, but it was too late. He had the door wide open, revealing Shannon standing there—thankfully wrapped in a bath towel. “Ollie, get out,” Shannon hissed, slamming the door shut once more. “Oh my god!” “Dellie!” Ollie shouted at the top of his lungs. “I caught them again!” “Please, please, stop shouting,” I begged. “Don’t tell her—” “I want my money,” Ollie shot back. “And you know the rules, Mister Rule-Breaker.”

“Fine, I won’t tell on you,” Ollie huffed, snatching the cash out of my hand and then holding it up to the light to check its authenticity. “But this is a one-time deal. If I catch you near my sister again, you’re fair game, Johnny Kavanagh.” “Deal,” I agreed. “Now, out you go.” With a stiff nod, Ollie stalked out of my room only to pause in the doorway and run back to my bed. “Oh—and happy birthday,” he said, giving me a quick hug. “I love you.” With that, he scampered out of my room with my cash in his hands.

“Oh my fucking god!” Gibsie roared, clearly livid. “If any of you have a problem with being here, then get back in your cars and leave!” Gesturing behind him to where Claire had hurried off, he added, “Think very carefully about your next move, because if you’re coming, then you’re going to be happy. You’re going to smile, and you’re going to have a good bastard time. You’re going to eat the cake, you’re going to sing all the happy fucking birthdays, and you’re going to thank that girl for spending the last bloody month organizing this trip for your unworthy asses!” Exhaling heavily, he looked around at us. “We left our heavily pregnant cat at home for this, and Claire’s anxious enough about Cherub without all of you breathing down her neck, so if you upset her again, I will legit take leave of my senses and lose the fucking plot.” Eyes bulging, he added, “Don’t push me, because I’m already halfway there!”

“I will never hurt you, baby,” he whispered, brushing his nose against mine. “Never ever ever, not in a trillion zillion years.” “I know,” I breathed, heart racing. “You’re my little darling,” he slurred. “My whole heart’s inside of ya.” My heart hammered in my chest. “Johnny…”

“Of course,” he slurred. “You’re so smart, baby, with your science and your way with all the animals. My dog loves you. Brian loves you. My dick loves you. Fuck, you’ll be the sexiest vet I’ve ever seen.” “But I only told you that once,” I whispered, thinking back to one of the random conversations we had at night when Johnny slipped into my room. “I can’t believe you remembered that—and especially in your current state.” “You only ever have to tell me a thing one time and it sticks.” He tapped his temple. “I keep track of all your words right there.”