Always Know What To Say - Easy Ways To Approach And Talk To Anyone

by Peter W. Murphy

may take a little trial and error but if you practice you’ll see its much easier than most people think to start a conversation with someone you are meeting for the first time.

When it comes to personal change the first step is to become aware of what you are doing and why you do it.

The second step is to choose to change.

Make a clear and definite choice to learn, grow and improve and it will drive all your behavior going forward.

For all of the negative habits in this section I’d like you to read through the descriptions of how the habits manifest themselves and then ask yourself does this habit ever apply to you, a little or a lot?

you need to read the material, think about how it applies to you and exert some effort and determination to practice and apply what you’ve learnt here out there in the real world.

Without even noticing how it happened we assume and eventually believe that it's better to avoid people whenever possible and that it's better to keep your distance with those you talk to on a regular basis. This is a negative attitude and not the way popular people look at the world.

look for the good in people, enjoy meeting new people and know that, yes, occasionally they'll bump into someone they don't enjoy talking to. However they don't write off everyone because they occasionally bump into some difficult people.

You sometimes hear people making excuses about being tired or too busy to socialize when the real reason is unspoken. Few people will admit to their true fears and anxieties,

You may not have even noticed but when you think about attending a party, a wedding or a large gathering of any kind you may be thinking about all the things that could go wrong.

In extreme cases they even fail to schedule time with friends and opportunities to meet new people. Instead they adopt the attitude that it will take care of itself, that they can tag along with friends who organize get togethers. However this rarely works because a pattern often emerges whereby the quiet person says no to offers to socialize with friends because of the priority given to solo activities. There may not be any time left in the schedule to say yes and to head out to meet up with friends and acquaintances.

people with busy social lives and great conversation skills do things differently. They switch off the TV and internet and schedule several evenings a week to get out there to meet people, they are typically the first to say yes whenever the party invitations go out and they place a high priority on spending their free time with others.

place more importance on scheduling time in your week to meet up with friends and family, and to visit new places and to explore new activities.

What you spend your leisure cash on reveals a lot about what is important to you, it reveals what you value and what gives you enjoyment. And it also represents another opportunity to build closer connections with friends and to get to know interesting new people.

Some people regard spending money on socializing as careless when they can eat, drink and stay entertained at home for less money but that misses the point. When you spend at a bar, cafe or restaurant you are paying for the environment and the meeting place not just the food and drink. You are socializing where there is the possibility of meeting new people and you're making it a special occasion, in fact, you're celebrating the friendships that give you support, companionship and enjoyment.

Think about it, a few weeks later, after a great night out with friends, do you even remember what you ate and drank? Of course not but you do remember how much fun you had and you can't wait to do it again.

Lack of Purpose In the context of making conversation a lack of purpose can cause you to be indecisive about what to say and unable to take control of the interaction.

Another common habit among people who avoid meeting people and dislike making small talk is the lack of a clearly defined goal for social interactions. This then gives rise to a number of related problems, you are more likely to be self-conscious and second guess what you should say next, you get stuck for words and you dread awkward silences, and you find it hard to pay close attention to what the other person is saying. None of this happens or at least happens in a major way when you know exactly what you want to achieve in the conversation: that singular focus changes everything.

So what can serve as a conversation goal? It can be anything from something as simple as looking for what you have in common to something more involved like asking for opinions, perspectives or insights on local changes in your community that will affect everyone who lives there.

Do you tend to end up in situations where you don't know what to talk about? Do you then randomly jump from one topic to another with no sense of direction? Instead make a point of having a goal for each conversation whether that be to establish and maintain rapport, discover commonality or to look for shared values and beliefs. When you do this, the conversation will have a direction and life of its own that you simply steer.

Always look for what you have in common when you meet people and always be on the lookout for common goals, concerns or worries. When you share a passion or a problem with someone there is ample scope for a lively conversation as you put your minds together to find a solution.

The key is to look for emotional issues, strongly desired goals or highly charged problems. When you find those by listening carefully and pointing out your similar experiences and feelings about the issue it can create a deep connection with the other person.

Do you often find conversations to be like a game of ping pong played against someone? Do you tend to have difficulties achieving deep rapport? If you do, aim instead to be on the same team as others by finding common interests you both enjoy or common problems to solve together.

Another common and limiting habit is that of failing to establish performance objectives. When you are talking to someone you need to know moment to moment how you are doing. You need to constantly adjust your approach to feedback and this can only happen if you have objectives and ways of measuring progress towards or away from them.

Let's say you are finding it difficult to talk to someone, there are awkward silences and all of a sudden the other person excuses himself and walks away. Were there warning signs? Of course there were and it shouldn't have been a surprise that an abrupt conclusion to the conversation was imminent.

What could you do differently to avoid this happening in the future? First of all you need performance objectives or several related small goals that will contribute to ensuring a good conversation. This means dropping a “hope for the best” attitude and taking control of the situation.

Performance objectives would include the decision to give your complete attention to the other person when he is talking, the practice of revealing what you have in common every time the other person talks about a common interest and persistence in searching for common goals.

It is much more helpful to take a long term outlook to ensure you have a happy and busy social life filled with people you enjoy talking to. This means saying yes more often and attending social functions because little by little you'll meet great people and gradually build up a great network of good friends. If you don't do this the inevitable happens, people move to a new neighborhood, others get promoted at work and have less free time, while some get overwhelmed by their busy family lives. The end result is the same, over the years, you'll know fewer and fewer people to meet up with unless you are always looking forward and aiming to find great people to meet.

People with lots of good friends look to the future. They see social functions as the ideal opportunity to meet their friends and to make new friends not just for right now but for years to come. They view conversations as much more than small talk because of this perspective, each chat is part of a much bigger picture and a fun way to get to know more great people, people to enjoy getting to know over time.

Do you avoid social functions because it’s just one evening you're missing? Instead see each conversation and each gathering as a way to meet great people you can enjoy getting to know for years to come.

the “have enough friends already” outlook misses one important distinction. The happiest times in your life tend to have one key factor in common - shared experiences with people you care about.

Popular people already know that the happiest times in their lives typically involve their friends and family. They cultivate great friendships and make a point of getting to know new people.

The reason this happens has nothing to do with not having enough time, it comes down to not making it a priority to spend time with people and a failure to appreciate how important time with good friends is for a happy life. The busyness argument is an excuse that is used to avoid facing up to the fact that you have fears and worries about getting to know people and you feel more comfortable avoiding the issue. The problem with this approach is that you become more isolated over time and it then becomes even harder to break out of your shell.

An attitude change is essential, unless you make it a priority to meet friends, friends of friends and new people each week it'll rarely happen and only by chance.

Spending time alone is great for recharging and for finding the space to think, and for quiet people it's essential because dealing with people all day at work and at home can be draining, time alone is the antidote to all of that. However even a good thing can go too far. If you spend too much time alone you'll eventually feel detached from other people and from life. Being alone is a frame of mind that becomes comfortable and relatively stress free so even the prospect of socializing can seem like too much effort.

If you are failing to have regular and in depth face to face conversations with people because you interact online you will never develop great conversation skills. There is no substitute for talking to people "offline" out there in the real world with all the complexities, issues and day to day realities that come with a face to face interaction.

I am referring to a negative habit of putting things off when it comes to seeing friends or attending social events. When we live like this we don't even notice our avoidance tendencies because we are still saying yes to opportunities to meet people but we simply procrastinate and make it someday but someday often never comes.

Spending time with people who like you and care about you is essential for your well being while meeting like minded people keeps you connected to all the joy, variety and wonder of life.

Do you avoid or postpone new experiences because of having to deal with people? If you do, could you face the fear and go anyway instead of hiding behind the fear with procrastination?

Quiet people use this excuse all the time not realizing that apparently confident people also have fears to deal with, the only difference being that more socially active people build confidence and learn to control fear through practice, trial and error, and by sheer determination.

We fear criticism so we conclude it’s better not to say anything but unfortunately when you don't speak up you may be criticized or ignored for not speaking. So you see a certain level of criticism is unavoidable, the key is to decide how you handle it because you cannot completely avoid people who will voice critical opinions of you and your viewpoint. Remember, what others say may be right or they may be wrong so don't automatically see all criticism as valid and worth responding to with a justification.

A better way to look at meeting people is to look for matches, that is to look for people you have something in common with instead of wanting to be liked by everyone.

Poor event selection is a way of setting yourself up for failure before you even open your mouth to introduce yourself. If you habitually go to social gatherings where you know no one and you have little or no interest in the activity your starting point is likely to be one of boredom, disinterest and an obvious lack of connection with whoever you meet.

It’s far better to take a moment to scan the room, look at who is available and choose the most likely best match to talk to. i.e. someone who looks happy, friendly, relaxed and of a similar background to you.

When you become more selective about who to talk to your success rate will improve dramatically and over time as your skills improve you'll have a wider range of people you can confidently approach. The key is to take charge of the situation rather than hoping for the best and acting out of fear and nervousness.

Replaying past failures This is the ultimate way to convince yourself you have poor social skills and that you'll never be any good at dealing with people. In fact, replaying past social failures again and again is the perfect formula for cultivating a fear of embarrassment and an all round self-consciousness that takes control of your life.

In any social interaction you need an exit plan, you need to know when and how to end the conversation and make a polite exit. Often, socially nervous people neglect this and so when there is a lull in the conversation or the conversation has reached a natural conclusion they force the conversation, get anxious and wonder why they have such poor conversation skills when in fact they were doing very well until they got to that point.

Do what confident socially active people do, talk to a whole range of people and accept that some interactions are short, some are long, and all you can do is chat and look for good matches. This outlook changes everything, it means you never again have to worry about getting stuck in a boring, dead end conversation and you never have to stand there feeling awkward wishing you could disappear into the floor.

The key is deciding upfront you have an exit and being ready to use it.

Standing or sitting in one place for the duration of a social event is a typical habit of a quiet person. He'll get comfortable in one spot and refuse to move around the room because he feels safe and unthreatened in his corner of the room. He then hopes he'll meet someone interesting who will take charge of the conversation and let him off the hook so he won't have to initiate conversations with anyone else for the duration of the event.