Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

by Kerry Patterson

As it turns out, you don’t have to choose between being honest and being effective.

People who routinely hold crucial conversations and hold them well are able to express controversial and even risky opinions in a way that gets heard.

What typically set them apart from the rest of the pack was their ability to avoid what we came to call the Fool’s Choice. You see, Kevin’s contribution was not his insight. Almost everyone could see what was happening. They knew they were allowing themselves to be steamrolled into making a bad decision. But everyone besides Kevin believed they had to make a choice between two bad alternatives.

1: Speak up and turn the most powerful person in the company into their sworn enemy. • Option 2: Suffer in silence and make a bad decision that might ruin the company.

When he took a breath and opened his mouth, his overriding question was, “How can I be 100 percent honest with Chris, and at the same time be 100 percent respectful?”

that’s the first problem we face in our crucial conversations. Our problem is not that our behavior degenerates. It’s that our motives do—a fact that we usually miss.

you find yourself starting to, say, defer to the boss or give your spouse the cold shoulder, pay attention to what’s happening to your objectives. Are you starting to change your goal to save face, avoid embarrassment, win, be right, or punish others? Here’s the tricky part. Our motives usually change without any conscious thought on our part.

under the influence of adrenaline we start to see our options as unnecessarily limited. We assume we have to choose between getting results and keeping a relationship. In our dumbed-down condition, we don’t even consider the option of achieving both.

pay attention to the signs that suggest you’re in a crucial conversation. Some people first notice physical signals—their stomach gets tight or their eyes get dry. Think about what happens to your body when conversations get tough. Everyone is a little bit different. What are your cues? Whatever they are, learn to look at them as signs to step back, slow down, and Start with Heart before things get out of hand.

Masking consists of understating or selectively showing our true opinions. Sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching are some of the more popular forms.

Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation? • Do they trust my motives?

Aim for progress. Learn to slow the process down when your adrenaline gets pumping.

Individuals say they’re angry when, in fact, they’re feeling a mix of embarrassment and surprise. Or they suggest they’re unhappy when they’re feeling violated. Perhaps they suggest they’re upset when they’re really feeling humiliated and cheated.

When you find yourself labeling or otherwise vilifying others, stop and ask: • Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?

In fact, with experience and maturity we learn to worry less about others’ intent and more about the effect others’ actions are having on us. No longer are we in the game of rooting out unhealthy motives.

the goal of Contrasting is not to water down your message, but to be sure that people don’t hear more than you intend.

Consensus means you talk until everyone honestly agrees to one decision. This method can produce tremendous unity and high-quality decisions. If misapplied, it can also be a horrible waste of time. It should only be used with (1) high-stakes and complex issues or (2) issues where everyone absolutely must support the final choice.

When you STATE things well and others become defensive, refuse to conclude that the issue is impossible to discuss. Think harder about your approach. Step out of the content, do what it takes to make sure your partner feels safe, and then try again to candidly STATE your view.

Most people avoid sensitive issues like the plague. Who can blame them? Unfortunately, when fear and misapplied compassion rule over honesty and courage, people can go for years without being given information that could be extremely helpful.

able to benefit from this material by simply asking if they’re falling into silence or violence. They may not know exactly how to fix the specific problem they’re facing, but they do know that if they’re not in dialogue,

When you notice that you and others have moved away from dialogue, do something to make it safer. Anything.

And thus began our first attempt to study “positive deviants”—people who struggle in the same circumstances as others but find a way to produce remarkably better results.