Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

by Kerry Patterson

the key skill of effective leaders, teammates, parents, and loved ones is the capacity to skillfully address emotionally and politically risky issues.

Silence kills.

Silence fails.

The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process.

In the best companies, everyone holds everyone else accountable—regardless of level or position.

The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend. We begin believing in the Fool’s Choice from an early age. For instance, we learned that when

When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.

Filling the Pool of Shared Meaning

People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool—even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs.

the Pool of Shared Meaning is a measure of a group’s IQ.

As a result of the free flow of meaning, the whole (final choice) was truly greater than the sum of the original parts. In short: The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy.

Skilled people Start with Heart. That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens.

When under attack, our heart can take a similarly sudden and unconscious turn. When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace.

Winning.

Punishing.

Keeping the peace.

Asking questions about what we really want serves two important purposes. First, it reminds us of our goal. Second, it juices up our brain in a way that helps us keep focused.

First, clarify what you really want.

Second, clarify what you really don’t want.

Third, present your brain with a more complex problem.

SUMMARY—START WITH HEART