Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

by Kerry Patterson

The Pool of Shared Meaning is the birthplace of synergy

Not only does a shared pool help individuals make better choices, but since the meaning is shared, people willingly act on whatever decisions they make—with both unity and conviction.

Since their ideas remain in their heads and their opinions never make it into the pool, they end up quietly criticizing and passively resisting. Worse still, when others force their ideas into the pool, people have a harder time accepting the information. They may say they’re on board, but then walk away and follow through halfheartedly.

He that complies against his will is of his own opinion still.”

On other occasions, not knowing how to stay in dialogue, we try to force our meaning into the pool. We rely on violence—anything from subtle manipulation to verbal attacks. We act like we know everything, hoping people will believe our arguments. We discredit others, hoping people won’t believe their arguments. And then we use every manner of force to get our way or possibly even harm others. We borrow power from the boss; we hit people with biased monologues; we make hurtful comments. The goal, of course, is always the same—to compel others to our point of view.

I know people like this and do not appreciate the tactic.

We have to develop the tools that make it safe for us to discuss these issues and to come to a shared pool of meaning. And when we do, our lives change.

What do I really want here?

Once you call into question the shifting desires of your heart, you can make conscious choices to change them.

When we ask ourselves what we really want, we affect our entire physiology. As we introduce complex and abstract questions to our mind, the problem-solving part of our brain recognizes that we are now dealing with intricate social issues and not physical threats. When we present our brain with a demanding question, our body sends precious blood to the parts of our brain that help us think and away from the parts of our body that help us take flight or begin a fight.

Love this.

First, clarify what you really want. You’ve got a head start if you’ve already Started with Heart. If you know what you want for yourself, for others, and for the relationship, then you’re in position to break out of the Fool’s Choice.

You have to give up saving face, being right, or winning in order to focus on what you really want.

You have to sacrifice a bit of your ego by admitting your error. But like many sacrifices, when you give up something you value, you’re rewarded with something even more valuable—healthy dialogue and better results. Next, watch to see if this sincere show of respect has helped restore safety. If it has, you can now explain the details of what happened. If it hasn’t, you’ll need to use one of the more advanced skills that follow in the next few pages. In any case, first make it safe; then return to the issue.

We have to open our mind to the fact that maybe, just maybe, there is a third choice out there—one that suits everyone.

A useful story, by definition, creates emotions that lead to healthy action—such as dialogue.

Our purpose for asking why a reasonable, rational, and decent person might be acting a certain way is not to excuse others for any bad things they may be doing. If they are, indeed, guilty, we’ll have time to deal with that later. The purpose of the humanizing question is to deal with our own stories and emotions. It provides us with still another tool for working on ourselves first by providing a variety of possible reasons for the other person’s behavior.

And while it’s true that you can’t force others to dialogue, you can take steps to make it safer for them to do so.

This means that at the very moment when most people become furious, we need to become curious. Rather than respond in kind, we need to wonder what’s behind the ruckus.

We create safety when our tone of voice says we’re okay with them feeling the way they’re feeling.

If we push too hard, we violate both purpose and respect.

Are we playing games or are we in dialogue?” It’s a wonderful start.