Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

by Kerry Patterson

“That’s because you were so caught up in the content of the conversation,” your buddy explains. “You cared so deeply about the product timelines that you were blind to the conditions. You know—how people were feeling and acting, what tone they were taking, stuff like that.”

When it’s safe, you can say anything. Here’s why gifted communicators keep a close eye on safety. Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning—period. And nothing kills the flow of meaning like fear. When you fear that people aren’t buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard. When you fear that you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding. Both these reactions—to fight and to take flight—are motivated by the same emotion: fear. On the other hand, if you make it safe enough, you can talk about almost anything and people will listen. If you don’t fear that you’re being attacked or humiliated, you yourself can hear almost anything and not become defensive.

Misdiagnose. Often, leaders are causing the fear but denying it. “Who me? I don’t do a thing to make people feel uncomfortable.” They haven’t Learned to Look. They’re unaware of their Style Under Stress. Despite this disclaimer, the way they carry themselves, their habit of speaking in absolutes, their subtle use of authority—something out there—is creating fear and eventual deference.

The Danger Point It’s easy to be lulled into a series of never-ending excuses—particularly if the other person doesn’t want to do what you’ve asked and learns that as long as he or she can give you a plausible reason, all bets are off.