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June 29 - July 12, 2023
Twenty years of research involving more than 100,000 people reveals that the key skill of effective leaders, teammates, parents, and loved ones is the capacity to skillfully address emotionally and politically risky issues.
Silence kills.
Silence fails.
The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process.
that the negative feelings we hold in, the emotional pain we suffer, and the constant battering we endure as we stumble our way through unhealthy conversations slowly eat away at our health. In some cases the impact of failed conversations leads to minor problems. In others it results in disaster. In all cases, failed conversations never make us happier, healthier, or better off.
the first condition of safety is Mutual Purpose. Mutual Purpose means that others perceive that you’re working toward a common outcome in the conversation, that you care about their goals, interests, and values.
What do I want for me? • What do I want for others? • What do I want for the relationship?
Mutual Respect is the continuance condition of dialogue. As people perceive that others don’t respect them, the conversation immediately becomes unsafe and dialogue comes to a screeching halt.
When you’re in the middle of a touchy conversation, sometimes others experience your words as bigger or worse than you intend.
When people misunderstand and you start arguing over the misunderstanding, stop. Use Contrasting. Explain what you don’t mean until you’ve restored safety. Then return to the conversation. Safety first.
suspend our belief that our choice is the absolute best and only one, and that we’ll never be happy until we get exactly what we currently want. We have to open our mind to the fact that maybe, just maybe, there is a third choice out there—one that suits everyone.
• Commit to seek Mutual Purpose. • Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. • Invent a Mutual Purpose. • Brainstorm new strategies.
others don’t make you mad. You make you mad. You make you scared, annoyed, or insulted. You and only you create your emotions.
You can act on them or be acted on by them.
[Act] Notice your behavior. Ask: Am I in some form of silence or violence? • [Feel] Get in touch with your feelings. What emotions are encouraging me to act this way? • [Tell story] Analyze your stories. What story is creating these emotions? • [See/hear] Get back to the facts. What evidence do I have to support this story?
When an unhelpful story is driving you to silence or violence, stop and consider how others would see your actions. For example, if the 60 Minutes camera crew replayed this scene on national television, how would you look? What would they tell about your behavior?
Our purpose for asking why a reasonable, rational, and decent person might be acting a certain way is not to excuse others for any bad things they may be doing.
The purpose of the humanizing question is to deal with our own stories and emotions. It provides us with still another tool for working on ourselves first by providing a variety of possible reasons for the other person’s behavior.
People who are skilled at dialogue have the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it.
They are humble enough to realize that they don’t have a monopoly on the truth nor do they always have to win their way. Their opinions provide a starting point but not the final word.
They don’t make a Fool’s Choice, because they’ve found a path that allows for both candor and safety.
• Share your facts • Tell your story • Ask for others’ paths • Talk tentatively • Encourage testing
Facts are the least controversial. Facts provide a safe beginning.
Facts are the most persuasive.
We’re trying to help others see how a reasonable, rational, and decent person could end up with the story we’re carrying.
Facts are the least insulting.
Let others see your experience from your point of view—starting with your facts.
Earn the right to share your story by starting with your facts.
Why share your story in the first place? Because the facts alone are rarely worth mentioning. It’s the facts plus the conclusion that call for a face-to-face discussion.
We express our confidence by sharing our facts and stories clearly. We demonstrate our humility by then asking others to share their views—and meaning it.
Talking tentatively simply means that we tell our story as a story rather than disguising it as a hard fact.
Why soften the message? Because we’re trying to add meaning to the pool, not force it down other people’s throats.
is because we, indeed, are not certain that our opinions represent absolute truth or our understanding of the facts is complete and perfect.
It’s one thing to be humble and open. It’s quite another to be clinically uncertain. Use language that says you’re sharing an opinion, not language that says you’re a nervous wreck.
They understand that the only limit to how strongly you can express your opinion is your willingness to be equally vigorous in encouraging others to challenge it.
So if you think others may be hesitant, make it clear that you want to hear their views—no matter how different.
Understanding doesn’t equate with agreement. Sensitivity does equate to acquiescence.
Agree when you agree. Don’t turn an agreement into an argument.
• Agree. Agree when you share views. • Build. If others leave something out, agree where you share views, then build. • Compare. When you do differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong. Compare your two views.
When teams try to rally around aggressive change or bold new initiatives, they need to be prepared to address the problem when a team member doesn’t live up to the agreement.
if a person is late for meetings and agrees to do better, the next conversation should not be about tardiness. It should be about his or her failure to keep a commitment.
