Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

by Kerry Patterson

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

Crucial Conversation kr shel kän´ vr sa´ shen) n A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong.

The key to real change lies not in implementing a new process, but in getting people to hold one another accountable to the process.

The mistake most of us make in our crucial conversations is we believe that we have to choose between telling the truth and keeping a friend.

In every instance where bosses are smart, highly paid, confident, and outspoken (i.e., most of the world), people tend to hold back their opinions rather than risk angering someone in a position of power.

Actually, it helps to watch for three different conditions: the moment a conversation turns crucial, signs that people don’t feel safe (silence or violence), and your own Style Under Stress.

people rarely become defensive simply because of what you’re saying. They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe.

No matter how comfortable it might make you feel saying it—others don’t make you mad. You make you mad. You make you scared, annoyed, or insulted. You and only you create your emotions.

Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story. We add meaning to the action we observed. We make a guess at the motive driving the behavior.

Separate fact from story by focusing on behavior.

one that stands out is the importance of realizing it is possible to be both candid and respectful with the right set of skills.