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Started reading
May 4, 2019
fix the problem of believing that others are the source of all that ails us.
“Work on me first, us second.”
That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens.
dialogue-smart believe that dialogue, no matter the circumstances, is always an option.
When under attack, our heart can take a similarly sudden and unconscious turn. When faced with pressure and strong opinions, we often stop worrying about the goal of adding to the pool of meaning and start looking for ways to win, punish, or keep the peace.
This desire to win is built into our very fiber before we’re old enough to know what’s going
change our goal from correcting mistakes to winning.
we move from wanting to win the point to wanting to harm the other person.
personal safety over dialogue.
We’re so uncomfortable with the immediate conflict that we accept the certainty of bad results to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable conversation.
how did she move so quickly from wanting to get even with or possibly even humiliate the questioner to sincerely soliciting feedback?
‘What do I really want here?’”
“What I really want is to genuinely try to select a vacation spot we can all enjoy—rather than try to win people over to my ideas.”
What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship?
Once you’ve asked yourself what you want, add one more equally telling question:
How would I behave if I really wanted ...
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Asking questions about what we really want serves two important purposes. First, it reminds us of our goal. Second, it juices up our brain in a way that helps us keep focused.
under the influence of adrenaline we start to see our options as unnecessarily limited.
We assume we have to choose between getting results and keeping a relationship.
You’ll find there is a way to share your concerns, listen sincerely to those of others, and build the relationship—
First, clarify what you really want.
Second, clarify what you really
“What I don’t want is to have a useless and heated conversation that creates bad feelings and doesn’t lead to change.”
The boss started pushing so hard for personal agenda items that we all began to act defensively.
I watch the content of the conversation (the topic under discussion) along with the conditions (what people are doing in response). I look
“the sad corollary is that the longer it takes to notice you’re not in dialogue, the harder it is to get back and the higher the costs.”
the moment a conversation
turns crucial, signs that people don’t feel safe (silence or violence), and your own Style Under Stress.
They realize they are scared, hurt, or angry and are beginning to react to or suppress these feelings.
They pay attention to the content—that’s a given—and they watch for signs that people are becoming fearful.
When you fear that you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding.
They only become defensive when they no longer feel safe.
problem is not the content of your message, but the condition of the conversation.
then the problem is not the message.
The problem is that you and I fail to help others feel safe hearing the message.
If you’re like the rest of us, it’s because you believed that the other person had your best interest in mind.
when your emotions start cranking up, key brain functions start shutting down.
We’re asking you to fight your natural tendency to respond in kind.
increased influence, enhanced relationships, stronger teams, and more effective leadership.
most common forms of silence are masking, avoiding, and withdrawing.
What do you do when you don’t feel like it’s safe to share what’s on your mind?
They step out of the content of the conversation, make it safe, and then step back in. Once safety is restored, they can talk about nearly anything.
Crucial conversations often go awry not because others dislike the content of the
conversation, but because they believe the content (even if it’s delivered in a gentle way) suggests that you have a malicious intent.
Find a shared goal, and you have both a good reason and a healthy climate for talking.
because he knows that your goal is merely to make your life better.
no reason to enter a crucial conversation if you don’t have Mutual Purpose,
When people feel disrespected, they become highly charged. Their emotions turn from fear to anger.
And if this has repeatedly happened, how can you respect a person who is so poorly motivated and
we can stay in dialogue by finding a way to honor and regard another person’s basic humanity.
