Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

by Kerry Patterson

Influence change in colleagues who are bullying, conniving, dishonest, or incompetent. When nearly 1,000 respondents were asked, 93 percent of them said that, in their organization, people like this are almost “untouchable”—staying in their position four years or longer without being held accountable (Research Study: Corporate Untouchables).

When it’s safe, you can say anything. Here’s why gifted communicators keep a close eye on safety. Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning—period.

We usually lose any semblance of social sensitivity when we become so consumed with ideas and causes that we lose track of what we’re doing.

Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation? • Do they trust my motives?

words do matter. Knowing what you’re really feeling helps you take a more accurate look at what is going on and why.

are you telling the right story? After all, feelings come from stories, and stories are our own invention.

We willingly question whether our emotions (very real), and the story behind them (only one of many possible explanations), are accurate.

Don’t confuse stories with facts.

we usually don’t begin telling stories that justify our actions until we have done something that we feel a need to justify.

These five tools can be easily remembered with the acronym STATE. It stands for: • Share your facts • Tell your story • Ask for others’ paths • Talk tentatively • Encourage testing

when talking with those holding opposing opinions, the more convinced and forceful you act, the more resistant others become.