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He had too much control to let them fly just yet.
He has to have self control because the alternative is... not great. Devon needs to learn this.
Whatever revelation I’d had inside was going to shit now.
He needs constant reassurance this is exhausting
Then he kissed me. Hard.
First time they've ever done this in front of an audience - with Julie it was words, but now it's more. They are inviting more people in to their relationship
Adrenaline like I’d never experienced pumped through me, and I finally knew what it meant to be alive.
Maddox made this happen - being apart they both realized their feelings for one another
No. This was some sort of new fight we were having. He was about to accuse me of fucking up his day, and I was about to tell him to fuck off and stop fighting my battles for me.
Devon is still thinking they'll fight - Maddox isn't are that place any more - he wants them to challenge one another but recognizes that constantly sparring is the wrong way to go about it
Holy shit. Holy shit! I trusted Maddox. How unreal was that bullshit?
He doesn't know what's happening - still off center - things changed when he was away and he is still trying to catch up
I hated the power imbalance. I hadn’t saved him from shit.
conflict - Maddox sees them as equals, but Devon doesn't. Maddox saves him because that's what he does, but Devon is used to owing things to people and he can't handle it - they need to talk about it or (more likely) Devon needs to rescue Maddox. At no point has Maddox ever eluded that Devon owes him anything (except to be himself).
“I don’t know what your problem is, Madd, but I’m out. I’m done with this whole day.” There was a weariness to my voice I hadn’t wanted him to hear. I was so tired. So confused.
Devon needs to learn vulnerability (though honestly they both do - they tend to do a lot of hiding behind macho bravado) Devon needs to realize that it's when he's vulnerable that Maddox also opens up. He's used to getting by with his quick thinking but that's his defense mechanism. Here, overlooking the water, he needs to let himself be weak.
We just stood there for a few minutes, our shoulders brushing, as we watched the water ripple under the glow of the moon.
Water, moon, abandoned building on the docks- it mirrors the earlier scene on the dock, but with a key difference - these docks are not floating out in the middle of the lake, they are secure and so closer to civilization. Docks are a place of transience - people come and go and bring things from other parts of the world, and they either sail off or go back to civilization - it's like a border between the unknown and security. So having this be the location for their post-prison conversation shows that they need to wash away their untruths and talk about the past, while also acknowledging things will change as they head back to civilization - because things have changed in the real world as now and they need to be made sense of near the water.
Plus, the abandoned building is symbolic of Devon's dreams for the future and Maddox's commitment to Devon, that stands firmly between the water, where truth is revealed and they are renewed - and the path back to civilization, where they work and life is difficult. Whatever is going to happen here, it's going to be huge - even bigger than the time on the dock in the lake where they admitted they had feelings for one another and were open with each other for the first time - because at that point, Devon was still unwilling to change. With what's happened now, in prison, Devon has made some realizations about himself.
“Because it’s empty, and I need to be real with you for a minute.”
yes exactly
Maddox breathed through his nose, his jaw clenched and his body taut. And then he let out the most sinister-sounding laugh I’d ever heard.
Things have changed, and Devon needs to realize that. The laugh is sinister because Devon wanted to fight and that's not what's going to happen, and not falling into their familiar dynamic is terrifying to Devon.
“Yeah,” he growled, twisting his wrists out of my grasp. “You’re mine, Sawyer.”
Similar to things he's said before, but more concrete - Devon needs to know that Maddox is there for him and that Maddox won't just leave him.
Maddox damn near growled into my mouth, his tongue clashing with mine, our bodies writhing together with an urgency I’d never felt before. Yet another form of battle between us, but I really fucking liked this one.
sexual foreplay and competition, but suddenly Devon is the one realizing that this is the kind of competition they need, where they both win. Is this the first sex scene from Devon's point of view? There was the one in the bathroom of the trailer but he was denying it at the time - kind of like a pre-coming out where they were testing the water (they even had the shower on there, too!)
Maddox stood to his full height, looking down at me like I was…his. His most prized possession.
Maddox told him this, but now he's starting to actually believe it
Under his scrutiny, I learned my importance. And holy fuck was it empowering.
The sad thing is that because Devon is such a good talker, he tends to not believe what other people say. Plus, because he's been in his own head for so long, he hasn't been paying attention to what people are doing, either. So as much as Devon needed to exercise his inner demons and trust people, it was never going to happen because somebody told him what he wanted to hear, that doesn't work for him. It takes him being in a place where he's totally naked - soul and body both - and for somebody to show him that he's valuable. I don't know that it will stick (I wouldn't be shocked if there was some backsliding, let's be real), but this is the first time where he sees it and he'll always go back to this moment. Again, they work best when they're able to communicate wordlessly.
There were no words, no taunts or jibes, just straight fucking on a dock with desperation and greed while the moon watched.
last time, Devon left the moonlight. this time Maddox is keeping him in it. Devon will have changed by the end of the night.
“Come in the water with me,” he said instead, tugging me to my feet.
Literally washing everything away, but emotionally, too. They're washing away all of their past mistakes and almost preparing to baptize their new relationship.
Tonight, things were different, and I needed to know where all this anger was coming from.
Devon is learning to be silent and present in the moment. Instead of talking, he needs to embrace the silence and slow down (which is something that he's learned from Maddox)
“I want you in my life as…mine.”
That's Maddox being completely honest and putting all of his cards on the table. Again, no surprise that it's after being in the water. He's stopped lying to himself and he's telling everything to Devon.
“Sitting in that cell today, wondering if I’d get sent to prison…it made me realize I had something I wanted to live for. In all honesty, Madd, I don’t have a fucking clue what this thing is between us, but I know I don’t want it to end.”
And now honest from Devon. This is really the first time we've seen them lay everything out while being super vulnerable and not hiding anything.
Also - Devon is finally admitting that he has a reason for living. Not necessarily a goal, but something to work his way towards one (which is another reason why the location is significant)
“Why’d you bring me here, Kane?”
In one sense, it had to be here (or somewhere like this) all of their big moments have happened when they're away from everybody (the woods, the abandoned cabin, the dock, the empty trailer, the beach) but the most important moments of growth and reflection have always been by the water (or Maddox drank water the one time) and even more so under the moonlight. Every time they grow more certain - here they've finally admitted everything and decided to enter into an exclusive relationship - a huge step! - but they're also laid out ground rules and have been totally honest. They have come together as one unit, and now they can work together as a team to solve the problem terrorizing their community - they couldn't have done that before, because they weren't ready for multiple reasons, but those reasons have finally been washed away. There's more to worry about, but it's all external and no longer between them (for now) - they've gone as far as they can apart. Everything that rises must converge.
Of course they also had to come here because it's the one dream that Devon shared with Maddox, and now Maddox is helping it come true - more proof that they are a team who can work together.
I agreed with that, but how were we going to handle Jim?
They've been building him up as the antagonist from chapter 2 - is this about fathers and sons? I don't know anymore. They both have shitty fathers, but Maddox's isn't around and may be low key homophobic, but he's just indifferent and hasn't harmed Maddox or Xavi like Jim has. It was maybe eluded to that he beat Maddox before, but not that we've seen and after being set up to show how Maddox and Devon were similar, he basically drops out of the narrative. I think it's definitely saying something about shitty parents, like we don't owe our parents anything or something more insidious about like breaking the social contract or some bullshit, BUT it's not even one of the major themes, not the number one lesson you'll learn from watching this.
However, Jim gets increasingly more evil (I mean by inches, he starts off pretty high on the evil meter). He stabbed Devon, he was one of the factors for making Maddox and Devon enemies, he tried to murder Devon, he made Devon feel worthless and unlovable as a kid (which Devon later tried to do to Maddox... is this why Devon was worried about turning into his dad?), he sent his kids to prison for no reason, made them all homeless... and everybody in the town hates him (though not enough to Ken McElroy him) When people go against him on their own, they fail, but when they work together they can eke out little victories - but they've always been mostly reactionary. If they can work together and prepare, that can bring him down, like in "Into the Woods".
This is a story about community, and about family (obviously), and about coming together to defeat a foe or a common enemy or whatever and working together. It's about community supporting one another, even if not strictly legally, and surviving through violence. It's about healthy versus unhealthy complication and violence - there's a lot going on in this love story about two dudes having a lot of gay sex. I'm into it.
I took a sip of beer to cool my throat from the burn of those words, but it was flat, piss-warm, and tasted like shit. I liked it all the same.
Telling the truth is hard, but not dangerous. Again, trusting in family/community is not bad.
Xavi knocked his beer against mine. “Will you switch?”
I could never imagine having this conversation with my brother.
But my mind hadn’t been thinking of anything other than protecting Devon. That was the only rational thought that mattered at the moment, and I’d done what I had to do.
When the situation calls for it, he's able to focus. If it weren't important he'd be overthinking things, but he thought of saving Devon and, as always, came up with a plan and followed through.
I wanted him to be mine and only mine. In all honesty, I wanted to be his and only his.
Maddox wants them to be equals, neither having permanent power over the other. Something precious.
“This better not mean you’re going to take it easy on him this weekend?”
Just a guess, but the final showdown is going to happen this weekend or just after - not just saying that because the book is nearly over, but also we opened at a motocross tournament, it would make sense to end at one. We first meet Jim after motocross, and he was angry about withholding motocross money - he'll show up again during or right after motocross. The book opened with a fight and will likely end with a fight (or like sex obviously) and then probably a really cheesy opening line or whatever. They're getting ready for the showdown.
“You look like a ‘70s porn star when you do that.”
hahaha
Yeah, but I still don’t like it that Jim is out there being a cunt. He’s going to come back. You know that, right?”
Yeah, some end of book Chekhov Gun action, clock it (I hope I'm using that term correctly)
but my dad had backed off a bit lately for some reason.
lol yeah he dropped out of the narrative - is he the bad guy in book 2? Is this story like a metaphor for coming of age and the two boys have to take down their fathers to win? I mean it's fine but maybe a little obvious?
He was low enough to lock them up just to say he could.
We need to be reminded that he is EVIL
But when he does, he’ll have to deal with all four of us this time.
They need to join together to defeat him... hope I'm not missing anything
“We’ll handle this shit with Jim, Madd. And then we’ll figure out how to handle our own dad.”
Yeah the dad has to be the antagonist in one of the other books, I'm hoping not just a rehash of this story? He might be the harder one to face if he's the level 2 boss
He was an addict, and sometimes I thought he was actually a good person underneath all those drugs.
We're finally learning about their dad - not evil (though this is from Maddox who is actually really good about seeing the good in everybody) but somebody who needs to be saved - again he's got good qualities, and Jim is the one person who Maddox has said nothing good about, he even said something nice about Jeans Guy and that was a situation where we are explicitly told that Maddox was wrong, so maybe he's level 2 because they have to be even more open and vulnerable to deal with him (or maybe this is what the older brothers' book is about because they don't need comfort, they need to learn to communicate? I don't know, they're pretty flat characters. Pretty much everybody aside from Maddox and Devon are flat characters, though it could be argued that the brothers, especially Xavi, may just be undeveloped and there is some indirect characterization in there)
So I hated him for that.
Not a bad guy, but the first person Maddox has to take care of, when he was too young to do so. I'm honestly surprised that Maddox drinks at all, considering his parents, I think the character would have been better if he was totally sober. No wonder he's so quiet and angry... it's how he treated his dad and how he wants to treat his dad.
It was time we all stopped acting like parents to parents who never treated us like kids.
You can tell he's been talking to Devon
While I waited, I thought about what I truly wanted out of life, and not just in the ‘escape my current situation’ kind of way, but the actual wants and dreams I had.
Something else we've been building up to - but for Devon, so interesting Maddox's comes first (maybe because he's had longer to consider this? Devon only just realised it was a possibility)
I wanted a home, not the house,
He wants a feeling he never had. He's never had a home and it's something he's realizing is a possibility.
kind of an odd way to phrase it though, I'd personally use two "a" 's, but two "the"'s would also work
my body relaxed when I heard his voice.
Just finally realizing and luxuriating in his feelings for Devon
When I fuck you, you’ll be wide awake and wired.”
Yeah, that's probably the finale of the book, if so I hope it's not some BS everybody is equal moral
Humping and dirty talk was my new favourite thing.
yeah, it's a lot about power dynamics and control and let's them try new things in a safe way
It matched my mood.
Why do his chapters always start in the middle of an action that we have to figure out what's happening right away? I think it's the reason I don't like him as much as Maddox
Also: pathetic fallacy
“Yeah! For you!” Xavi yelled. “I already gave him shit for it!”
oh this is about what Maddox did to get Devon out of prison
this is such a soap opera lol
In his attempt to save my ass, he put himself in a position where he could have become as desperate as my dad for money, never getting ahead to pay off debts he shouldn’t have to pay.
He used to be worried about turning into his bad, now he's worried he'll end up with somebody like his dad - knows what he wants and doesn't want - awesome growth
How dare he throw his damn life away for me.
again with the self esteem? feels a bit healthier though
He was mine to assault,
so not taking the ownership concept to a weird place or anything, cool
My life wasn’t worth his, and if he kept saving me, I’d…I just couldn’t live with that.
feels like he doesn't deserve to be saved, even still - is this another thing coming in the big finale? it would be kind of annoying if so because this has been so clunky in its execution, I can't
That dipshit needed to learn some life lessons about his own worth, and I’d sure as shit take pride in teaching them.
yeah it's actually the opposite?
I wanted to hit him, so I did. Simple. Fighting with Maddox was the only constant in my life, and maybe I needed it.
yeah this won't end well - this is bringing back the violence to a way darker place in that before Maddox knew this was coming and this time he didn't
He lay there and rubbed his jaw, looking up at me with more of an annoyed expression than anything.
Maddox no longer wants to fight, is through with the old dynamic
