The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills – and Leave a Positive Impression!

by Debra Fine

Every girl in my class was invited except for one other very overweight girl and me. That experience was so hurtful that I withdrew into a world of books. I had no idea how to make a friend or have a friend. Consequently, I never learned how to talk to my peers.

I only knew one way to start a conversation. Without fail, I would ask every person I met, What do you do?

Becoming a good conversationalist will bring new people into your network of friends and colleagues. You will find joy in the social events you used to dread, and you will create pathways and channels for new opportunities to present themselves.

Small talk has a bad rap as the lowly stepchild of real conversation, yet it serves an extremely important function. Without it, you rarely get to the real conversation. Small talk is the icebreaker that clears the way for more intimate conversation, laying the foundation for a stronger relationship.

Without small talk, rapport is not established and no potentially long-lasting connection is made. People who excel at small talk are experts at making others feel included, valued, and comfortable.

It has become our custom to be so respectful of each other’s space—or instead, so fearful of rejection—that we no longer know how to begin a conversation with strangers, let alone keep one going. Yet because of the longing for high touch, combined with the need for reaching out, the art of conversation will bloom.

We become better conversationalists when we employ two primary objectives. Number one: Take the risk. It is up to us to take the risk of starting a conversation with a stranger.

Number two: Assume the burden. It is up to each and every one of us to assume the burden of conversation. It is our responsibility to come up with topics to discuss; it is up to us to remember people’s names and to introduce them to others; it is up to us to relieve the awkward moments or fill the pregnant pause.

If others are comfortable in our presence, then they will feel good about doing business or socializing with us.

Small talk is essential to creating and enriching business relationships. Always begin and end your business conversation with small talk to humanize the relationship.

A good conversationalist frequently evokes the positive feelings that people long to have, and the reality is that buyers’ choices about where to spend their money are influenced by the presence or absence of rapport. Small talk is a big deal because it is integral to establishing rapport.

People appreciate a conversation in which they feel acknowledged, heard, and significant.

Start thinking of strangers as people who can bring new dimensions to your life, not as persons to be feared.

Remember, even your closest confidante was once a stranger. Take the risk. Walk up to someone and introduce yourself.

It had never occurred to me that shyness could be mistaken for arrogance. While shyness and arrogance are worlds apart, the visible manifestation of each can appear the same.

Waiting will net you a bunch of lost time. You have to take the initiative.

Good things come to those who take action and start creating good things.

Fear of rejection keeps many of us from risking conversation, but the probability of rejection is actually quite small. In the unlikely event that your efforts are unappreciated, remember that it’s doubtful you’ll ever see that person again.

If you generally wait for someone else to take the initiative in a conversation, you have been self-centered. It’s true! You have allowed your own comfort to take precedence over every other person’s. You haven’t been doing your fair share of the work.

You cannot rely on the other person to carry the conversation for you—a monologue is a chore and seldom very interesting.

The first step in becoming a great conversationalist is becoming invested in the conversation and actively working to help the other person feel comfortable.

‘You are obviously successful—do you remember your big or significant break?’”

One of my all-time favorite ways to launch a conversation in a business or social setting and get to know someone is to ask one of the many iterations of What keeps you busy? It is an excellent query that does not pigeonhole others based on what they do for a living, if they are married, or if they have children. No labels; instead, sincere interest in how she spends her time, allowing for numerous directions in conversation. Your conversation partner discloses whatever she chooses.

A wonderful way to get to know someone at a professional setting is to ask: What keeps you busy outside of work? You will learn that your customer, colleague,

I’ve found that you can’t lose with What do you do for fun? or What keeps you busy outside of work?

She discovered that the best way to get people comfortable enough to open up and express themselves was to look them in the eye and ask What’s your name? Making eye contact and placing the emphasis on the word your, rather than the word name, signaled to the person that they were important. She never failed to make a connection when she used this approach.

Make it a point to remember the other person’s name; learning and using names is probably the single most important rule of good conversation, so stay focused during the introduction. Repeat the name back in your greeting. Nice to meet you, Debra. To help yourself commit the name to memory, immediately use the person’s name in the conversation.

If you do get distracted during the introduction and miss the name, confess! Don’t go through the whole conversation pretending you know the person’s name. It’s better to say something like Excuse me, I’m not sure I got your name. It is always preferable to have the other party repeat it than to fake it.

Individuals with foreign or unusual names get slighted more than the rest of us. Make it a point to learn the proper pronunciation, even if it means that the other person repeats it a few times.

If there is a name that is not spelled out, or a name that you are unsure of the proper pronunciation, just ask!

It’s just as important to give your name when you meet someone—even if you’ve met him or her previously and think they should remember your name. Consider it a random act of kindness. Extend your hand. Hi, Patrick, Debra Fine. How are you? By stating my name, I let Patrick off the hook. If he had forgotten my name, it didn’t show, and he didn’t have to waste conversation time being distracted trying to recall my name.

Don’t ever assume that someone who sees you infrequently will remember your name, especially when they see you out of context.

You will be successful if you just take the initiative and give it a try. You’ll be surprised by how easy it is and at the positive reinforcement you get from people when you start a conversation. Remember the following four steps and you are well on your way to an excellent chat. 1. Make eye contact. 2. Smile. 3. Find that approachable person! 4. Offer your name and use theirs.

The true effort is taking the risk to be the first to say hello. There is no perfect icebreaker.

When you approach a “dancing couple,” wait politely for an interval and then turn to the person you have no desire to speak with and ask for permission to intrude so that you may speak with his or her conversation partner. Most people are too gracious to say no and will give you their permission. You’ve

Another option that is less intrusive is to excuse yourself for the interruption, noting that you wanted to let the person know you were in attendance and wanted an opportunity to get together before the evening was over. You will either be included at that point or instead searched out at a later time. Either way, the person knows you made the effort to touch base.

Show interest in the speaker, but stand slightly away from the group. A group this size is slow to warm, so first let them become accustomed to seeing you. Slowly, they will shift to bring you into the circle.

Ease into the group by demonstrating that you’ve been listening. Look for welcoming signs such as them asking your opinion or physically shifting positions to better include you.

Initially, it is best to find a point of agreement; barring that, just acknowledge the speaker. Wait before rocking the boat with a big wave of radical opinions. Before offering your views, let the group warm to you. If you come on too st...

Lastly, if there is a familiar face in the group, quietly extend your hand, letting her know you wish to say hello when she has a moment later in the evening. Your hope is to be invited into the group. If not, nothing lost but lots gained.

By asking open-ended questions, you offer your conversation partner the opportunity to disclose as much or as little as she wants. These questions demand more than a simple yes or no answer, yet they make no stressful demands. Your partner will decide how much she feels comfortable saying.

Describe for me… • Tell me about… • How did you…? • What was that like for you? • What brought you to…? • Why?

I invite conversation by saying, What made it so great? What went on for you today?

Whenever you begin a dialogue with a question, get ready to dig deeper so that the other person knows you are interested in hearing more. Digging in deeper indicates you truly desire a response and are prepared to invest time in hearing the response.

How was your summer? Excellent. What special things did you do? • How were your holidays? Pretty good. How did you celebrate? • How was your weekend? Good. What did you do? • I went to see that new play down at the Civic Center. Really? You’re interested in ? I never knew that. Tell me more about that. • Did you do anything relaxing? • Is that something you usually do on the weekend? • How’s the project? Good. What have you been working on most recently?

The key is to have a genuine interest in what the other person is saying, along with a genuine desire to hear the response. So while you get to be quiet, you do not get to be passive. You must actively participate in the conversation.

When you invite someone to tell you about his family or her job, you will receive additional free information that you can use to further the conversation.

Listening is more than just hearing. It’s a level of involvement that goes beyond reciting the contents of the conversation.

Be aware of what your body language is saying to the world. It requires practice and concentration to overcome nervous habits and use positive body language. Stick with it; practice will make it easier every time.

You can also increase the comfort level of your conversation partner by modifying your own style to be more similar to hers. If you are chatting with someone who speaks slowly and softly, work to keep your volume low as well. You can overwhelm a slow-talking, soft-spoken person with your own volume and speed. This is not to say you shouldn’t be yourself; you should. However, as the “host,” you want to enhance the comfort of your guest.