The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills – and Leave a Positive Impression!

by Debra Fine

You can use verbal cues to show that you have a positive response, that you disagree, or that you want to hear more about something in particular.

Verbal cues encourage others to continue.

Interacting via text, email, and social media requires a quick response—a simple thumbs-up, haha, or heart icon indicates that you are listening and following. If nothing else, this cue acknowledges the writer. The use of these icons will many times keep the conversation going, but no matter what occurs, the messenger knows that they have been heard.

Too much listening and not enough verbalizing can halt a conversation, too. It is important to verbally let others know that we are following along, actively listening.

When you paraphrase what’s been said, or repeat the specifics of what you have heard, there can be no doubt that you have listened and understood the speaker. This is especially effective when you are disagreeing with your conversation partner or have listened to her explain something highly complex or technical. Paraphrasing the speaker clarifies that you understood accurately. Or it can help the speaker recognize that you misunderstood what she was attempting to communicate.

In an emotionally charged situation, you gain a side benefit of defusing anger when you repeat the specifics of what the other person stated. People naturally calm down when they realize they’ve been understood.

Learn to want to listen. You must have the desire, interest, concentration, and self-discipline.

Don’t jeopardize a relationship by failing to listen. Your job as a conversation partner is to listen when the other person is speaking. This isn’t optional—it’s a required courtesy when conversing. If, for whatever reason, you cannot remain focused on what the speaker is saying, excuse yourself.

Prepare for a conversation like you’d prepare for an interview—both as the interviewer and the interviewee. It takes much less effort to prepare for a conversation than a job interview, but the philosophy is the same. You want to have material prepared that is relevant to the event or interaction so that you can converse articulately and gracefully.

Most of us are ordinary people just trying to live our lives. We worry about paying bills, educating kids, our favorite team winning a championship, getting a promotion, caring for elderly parents, taking an occasional vacation, having time for a hobby, and relaxing now and then. We are more alike than we are different, and our commonality as human beings opens the door for connection and conversation.

Having a conversation is a little like peeling an onion—you want to proceed in layers, matching the level of intimacy shared by your partner.

Your choice of conversation material should be appropriate to the occasion and to the depth of rapport and intimacy established.

Being willing to disclose first is assuming the burden of the conversation and the reward is others will model your disclosure with their own. You aren’t limited to talking about events and experiences. You can share feelings, opinions about books you’ve read, restaurants you’ve visited, and movies you’ve seen.

One of the easiest ways to start or keep a conversation going is to compliment another person. Finding something nice to say about someone is usually not that difficult. Surely they have something to like about them. Being forthright enough to tell them what you admire about them makes an immediate connection between the two of you.

An authentic compliment makes the other person feel good about both of you, and that enhances the rapport, making conversation easier. The key is that your compliment is genuine, so select something that you can truly support.

No matter what your chosen topic of conversation, I cannot overstate the importance of being authentic when talking with someone. If you are not genuinely interested in what the other person is saying, no amount of planning or preparation will save you from a doomed conversation. Interest in someone else cannot be feigned. If you truly cannot muster any enthusiasm for the dialogue, you owe it to your partner to excuse yourself and make your way to another approachable person.

Tackle meeting new people or renewing acquaintances as a task that you schedule at least three times a week. Comfort will come with steady practice. Along with the rewards that result.

Can I interrupt you for a minute? Can I ask you a question? You already have! If you are willing to interrupt someone when they are engaged, just ask the question! But to be polite, you could offer I’m sorry to interrupt… and then ask your question.

I’ll be honest with you, I had a great time! Aren’t you always honest? Are you qualifying this particular statement over others you have made? Instead: I had a great time!

Most interrupters are like me. We interrupt because we think we know what you’re going to say, so let’s not waste time. Or we know that you are wrong, and we must hurry to point out the errors in your thinking.

Be careful if you flaunt your opinions. Make sure others realize you are only offering your personal opinion about what works for you. Conversation should be about building relationships, not winning fights. Any time you talk with someone, you risk misrepresenting a fact, not recalling a news item correctly, disclosing personal bias, mistaking your facts, or saying something offensive. And your conversation companion risks the same.

Thought leader Adam Grant states beautifully: “You are entitled to your own opinions in your head. But if you choose to express them out loud, it’s your responsibility to: 1. Ground them in logic and facts 2. Explain your reasoning to others 3. Change them when better evidence appears.

Despite her generous nature, the adviser is a true outlaw. She decimates a perfectly good chat by meddling. The truth is, most people don’t want advice—they want empathy, compassion, and simply to be heard. When the adviser rides in on her white horse to save the day, she minimizes the very person she’s trying to rescue. She presumes that in hearing a tiny snippet of another’s dilemma, she has an intimate understanding of the problem and knows the perfect solution. The adviser would do much better digging deeper to learn more about the issue and offering support instead of unsolicited solutions.

Instead Try These Empathetic Statements: You must feel as though the pain will never end. You must really be sad; let me hug you again. I would like to come by tomorrow and… It isn’t fair, is it? I am available to visit with you. Can I call you tomorrow? Take all the time you need. Tell me some special memories when you were a child… My favorite memory of your loved one is… I know what a beloved family member your dog was, my heart goes out to you. You are not alone, I am here for you.

One of my dearest friends lost her son Andrew in his early thirties. I have found it so valuable to always keep him in mind whenever we talk: • I’d love to hear stories about Andrew. • I’m thinking of you. I know this is another Thanksgiving without Andrew. • I’m keeping you and your family in my thoughts. I realize it cannot ever be the same without him. • I know the holidays will be hard on you and your family without Andrew here with you. • May I come visit with you during this holiday? • I remember when Andrew…

Here are some tips to remember when entering into political conversations: Consider establishing rules. Simply ask permission to set down some ground rules: “I don’t want to debate you, but I do want permission to share and hear conflicting opinions,” can help initiate and manage a political conversation. Also, be sure to offer a safe place for your conversation partner to do the same. Show respect by offering, “Your thoughts and perspective are important to me, I want to hear from you and I don’t assume I’m right.”

Know your audience. If you engage in a political conversation with a business colleague, a friend, or social acquaintance, make sure you have an idea of their position. If you aren’t sure, try asking a more open-ended question that may elicit a defining response: “What are your thoughts on the election?” Tailor your comments to be nonoffensive and not permanently damaging.

Know your stuff. Be prepared with accurate information about current political happenings so you project credibility.

Debate facts, not feelings. Keep emotionally driven statements out of your political discussion and stick to hard facts. This way, you don’t hurt anyone’s feelings and your own feelings don’t...

Respect! Respect yourself, your political candidates, your friends, family, and coworkers. Always be thoughtful of what you say and how you say it. • I can tell you’re really frustrated by this issue. • You seem really excited a...

Listen to what is being said. A powerful political conversation has two sides. Take time to hear what your conversation partner says and appreciate their opinion. Ask questions you think will enhance the dialogue.

Know when to back down, turn around, and walk away. Think before you speak. If you feel like the conversation is getting too intense or uncomfortable, excuse yourself. Read body language to help keep your comments in check.

Agree to disagree. It’s fun to have stimulating political banter, but if you agree to disagree up front it can be more ...

Remember you’re on the same side. At the end of the day, you will probably continue to attend the same back-to-school nights, participate in the same social circle, and definitely remain in the same family, so don’t let...

Political and religious views spark conversation firestorms fueled by verbal and written oxygen. Asking “What did you mean by that?” in a nonprovocative tone may help understanding. When involved in a heated argument that’s headed nowhere, ask: “What proof would it take to change your mind?” If they can’t give you an answer, stop wasting your time.

When you prepare to depart a conversation, recall why you originally connected with your conversation partner and bring the conversation back to that topic. Doing so will allow you to make a meaningful connection and then take your leave easily.

These exit lines are successful because they put the focus directly on you. You clearly state that the reason you are leaving the conversation is that you need to do something. There is no mistaking the fact that you have a specific agenda that you are trying to accomplish. By highlighting your own goals, you take the burden off your conversation partner.

The cardinal rule of the exit is that when you depart, you do what you said you were going to do. If you said good-bye to Joanne by telling her that you were going to see the exhibits, go do it. If you allow yourself to get sidetracked en route to your new destination, you run the risk of insulting your former partner.

Suppose you want to find a prospective client or a new job for yourself. If you came to the party with that agenda, you need to verbalize it to accomplish it. You can do this easily without putting your conversation partner on the spot. You simply say, Patrick, do you know anyone who might have some ideas about where I could find a human factors engineering opportunity?

Don’t hesitate to ask for business or referrals as you take your leave from a conversation. Every person at a business meeting has an agenda—and virtually everyone there is seeking new talent or investment of some kind. There is no shortage of ways to ask for referrals or business.

Issuing an invitation for your partner to join you on your way to another destination is a very gracious and considerate way to exit. You are still focused on your own agenda, but you haven’t left your associate high and dry. Reverse the situation and think about the other person inviting you to join her. It’s a perfect opportunity to get introduced to another person, or you can gracefully decline, feeling positive about the offer.

Ending a conversation by showing appreciation for the interchange provides an upbeat way to leave on a positive note. Thanking others for their time, expertise, or the sheer joy of the conversation is always welcome. You emanate poise and self-confidence when you bid adieu by expressing your gratitude and praising your partner in some way.

Remember to end the conversation the same way you began it—with a smile and a handshake. Even if you have to get up and walk around the table to do this, make sure you do. You make a lasting impression when you seal a conversation with a handshake. Just that fleeting hand-to-hand moment enhances the rapport you’ve worked hard to establish. Melting away into the crowd discredits your integrity and your intentions. The end of the conversation represents the last opportunity to establish a connection with someone.

If your interaction is virtual, say goodbye with names if at all possible. Especially if you are the leader: “Thanks for your input, Beatrice, Adrian, Gayle.”

If you’ve met someone with whom you’d like to further a relationship, the best way to exit is to ask to see him again. Assume the burden of issuing the invitation. If you are female, do not think that you have to wait for the male to extend the offer—whether it’s a business or social engagement.

Muster your moxie and just do it. Sure, you’ll feel a bit out of your comfort zone, but the only way to pick the fruit is to get out on a limb. Realize that if you get turned down, it’s not a statement about you—the other person doesn’t know you well enough to draw any conclusions about you.

Before you leave a conversation, have a clear destination in mind. You don’t necessarily need to head to another conversation. Feel free to get something to eat, get a fresh beverage, call the sitter and check on the kids, use the restroom, or even take a stroll around the room. Movement attracts attention, so make sure that you don’t look lost.

Remember, every conversation is an opportunity, but it is up to you to always take the risk and assume the burden.

The ability to talk easily with anyone is a learned skill, not a personality trait. Acquiring it will help you develop rapport with people and leave a positive impression that lasts longer than an exchange of business cards.

Introduce and initiate. Go ahead and start with a hello! Even if you recognize or slightly know someone, re-introduce yourself. Act as if you’re the host and introduce new arrivals to your conversation partner or partners.