Shepherding a Child's Heart

by Tedd Tripp

When parenting short-circuits to behavior we miss the opportunity to help our kids understand that straying behavior displays a straying heart. Our kids are always serving something, either God or a substitute for God—an idol of the heart.

If the goal of parenting is no more profound than securing appropriate behavior, we will never help our children understand the internal things, the heart issues, that push and pull behavior. Those internal issues: self-love, rebellion, anger, bitterness, envy, and pride of the heart show our children how profoundly they need grace. If the problem with children is deeper than inappropriate behavior, if the problem is the overflow of the heart, then the need for grace is established. Jesus came to earth, lived a perfect life and died as an infinite sacrifice so that children (and their parents) can be forgiven, transformed, liberated and empowered to love God and love others.

Parents have the opportunity, through word and deed, to show children the one true object of worship—the God of the Bible. We know that the greatest delights our children can ever experience are found in delighting in the God who has made them for his glory.

By age ten to twelve, scores of children have already left home. I am not referring to the tragic “Times Square kids” in New York City or your community. I refer to numbers of children who, by age ten to twelve, have effectively left Mom or Dad as an authority or reference point for their lives.

You can raise children in godly ways at the beginning of the 21st century. You need not—indeed, you dare not—cave in, concluding that the task is impossible. Experience may tell you failure is inevitable, but experience is an unsafe guide. The only safe guide is the Bible. It is the revelation of a God who has infinite knowledge and can therefore give you absolute truth. God has given you a revelation that is robust and complete. It presents an accurate and comprehensive picture of children, parents, family life, values, training, nurture, and discipline—all you need to be equipped for the task of parenting.

The church mirrors the problems of the culture because we weren’t doing biblical parenting a generation ago. We were just doing what worked. Unfortunately, we are still trying to do it, even though, because of changes in our culture, it no longer works.

Let me overview a biblical vision for the parenting task. The parenting task is multifaceted. It involves being a kind authority, shepherding your children to understand themselves in God’s world, and keeping the gospel in clear view so your children can internalize the good news and someday live in mutuality with you as people under God.

You may not direct your children for your own agenda or convenience. You must direct your children on God’s behalf for their good.

The purpose for your authority in the lives of your children is not to hold them under your power, but to empower them to be self-controlled people living freely under the authority of God.

The One who commands you, the One who possesses all authority, came as a servant. He is a ruler who serves; he is also a servant who rules. He exercises sovereign authority that is kind—authority exercised on behalf of his subjects.

Parents who are “benevolent despots” do not usually find their children racing to leave home. Children rarely run from a home where their needs are met.

children generally do not resist authority that is truly kind and selfless.

The parent shepherds a child to assess himself and his responses. He shepherds the child to understand not just the “what” of the child’s actions, but also the “why.” As the shepherd, you want to help your child understand himself as a creature made by and for God. You cannot show him these things merely by instruction; you must lead him on a path of discovery. You must shepherd his thoughts, helping him to learn discernment and wisdom.

It involves investing your life in your child in open and honest communication that unfolds the meaning and purpose of life. It is not simply direction, but direction in which there is self-disclosure and sharing. Values and spiritual vitality are not simply taught, but caught.

You need to direct not simply the behavior of your children, but the attitudes of their hearts. You need to show them not just the “what” of their sin and failure, but the “why.” Your children desperately need to understand not only the external “what” they did wrong, but also the internal “why” they did it. You must help them see that God works from the inside out. Therefore, your parenting goal cannot simply be well behaved children. Your children must also understand why they sin and how to recognize internal change.

As we talked together it seemed that I was talking not just with my son, but with another man. I wasn’t instructing him. We were sharing the goodness of knowing God. I felt a wonderful sense of mutuality with this man (who was once a boy whom I instructed and disciplined and for whom I had strived in prayer). Thank you, God.

The behavior a person exhibits is an expression of the overflow of the heart. You could picture it like this. The heart determines behavior. What you say and do expresses the orientation of your heart.

What your children say and do is a reflection of what is in their hearts. Luke 6:45 corroborates this point: The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. These passages are instructive for the task of childrearing. They teach that behavior is not the basic issue. The basic issue is always what is going on in the heart. Remember, the heart is the control center of life.

Parents often get sidetracked with behavior. If your goal in discipline is changed behavior, it is easy to understand why this happens. The thing that alerts you to your child’s need for correction is his behavior. Behavior irritates and thus calls attention to itself. Behavior becomes your focus. You think you have corrected when you have changed unacceptable behavior to behavior that you sanction and appreciate.

Remember, his behavior does not just spring forth uncaused. His behavior—the things he says and does—reflects his heart. If you are to really help him, you must be concerned with the attitudes of heart that drive his behavior.

A change in behavior that does not stem from a change in heart is not commendable; it is condemnable.

A change in behavior that does not stem from a change in heart is not commend...

What must you do in correction and discipline? You must require proper behavior. God’s law demands that. You cannot, however, be satisfied to leave the matter there. You must help your child ask the questions that will expose that attitude of the heart that has resulted in wrong behavior. How did his heart stray to produce this behavior? In what characteristic ways has his inability or refusal to know, trust, and obey God resulted in actions and speech that are wrong?

You must help your child ask the questions that will expose that attitude of the heart that has resulted in wrong behavior.

Let’s take a familiar example from any home where there are two or more children. The children are playing and a fight breaks out over a particular toy. The classic response is “Who had it first?” This response misses heart issues. “Who had it first?” is an issue of justice. Justice operates in the favor of the child who was the quicker draw in getting the toy. If we look at this situation in terms of the heart, the issues change. Now you have two offenders. Both children are displaying a hardness of heart toward the other. Both are being selfish. Both children are saying, “I don’t care about you or your happiness. I am only concerned about myself. I want this toy. My happiness depends on possessing it. I will have it and be happy regardless of what that means to you.”

Your concern is to unmask your child’s sin, helping him to understand how it reflects a heart that has strayed. That leads to the cross of Christ. It underscores the need for a Savior. It provides opportunities to show the glories of God who sent his Son to change hearts and free people enslaved to sin.

This emphasis is the fundamental tenet of this book: The heart is the well-spring of life. Therefore, parenting is concerned with shepherding the heart. You must learn to work from the behavior you see, back to the heart, exposing heart issues for your children.

You must learn to work from the behavior you see, back to the heart, exposing heart issues for your children. In short, you must learn to engage them, not just reprove them. Help them see the ways that they are trying to slake their souls’ thirst with that which cannot sat...

In short, you must learn to engage them, n...

I have seen families get hold of the principles in this book. I have seen parents shepherding happy, productive children who are alert to themselves and life. I visited such a home recently. The family was alive and vibrant. Teenage children were at home, because home was an exciting place to be. Father and Mother were held in high esteem and sought out for advice. The Bible and biblical truth blew through every conversation—not with stifling heat, but like a refreshing, life-giving breeze. In this home, five generations have kept the faith and a sixth is learning that God is the fountain of life in whose light we see light. These are things worth striving for. This is a vision worthy of sacrifice.

If you are to sort through the welter of confusion about childrearing, you must go to the Scriptures for answers.

You need to understand your child in relationship to the two broad sets of issues that affect him: 1) The child and his relationship to the shaping influences of life. 2) The child and his relationship to God.

There is clear biblical warrant for acknowledging the lifelong implications of early childhood experience. The major passages dealing with family (Deuteronomy 6, Ephesians 6, and Colossians 3) presuppose these implications. The Scriptures demand your attention to shaping influences.

The person your child becomes is a product of two things. The first is his life experience. The second is how he interacts with that experience.

Are the values of your home based on human tradition and the basic principles of this world or on Christ?

They figure that if they can protect and shelter him well enough, if they can always be positive with him, if they can send him to Christian schools or if they can home school, if they can provide the best possible childhood experience, then their child will turn out okay.

Determinism makes parents conclude that good shaping influences will automatically produce good children. This often bears bitter fruit later in life. Parents who have an unruly and troublesome teenager or young adult conclude that the problem is the shaping influences they provided. They think if they had made a little better home, things would have turned out okay. They forget that the child is never determined solely by the shaping influences of life. Remember that Proverbs 4:23 instructs you that the heart is the fountain from which life flows. Your child’s

Application Questions for Chapter 2 1. What have been some of the prominent shaping influences of your child’s life? 2. What is the structure of your family? How has that affected your son or daughter? 3. What would your children identify as the values of your family? What are the things that matter most to you? 4. Where are the secrets in your home? Do you share too much and thus burden your children with problems too big for them? Do you share too little and thus insulate them from life and dependence on God? 5. Who is the boss in your home? Is there a centralized authority, or does your family make decisions by committee? 6. What are the patterns for conflict resolution? How have these patterns affected each of your children? Is change warranted? If so, what change? 7. What constitutes success or failure in your home? 8. What events have been pivotal in your family history? How have these events affected you? How have they affected your children? 9. Do you tend to be a determinist in the way you look at childrearing? Are you able to see that your children are active responders to the shaping influences in their lives? How do you see them responding?

In the language of Romans 1, your children either respond to God by faith or they suppress the truth in unrighteousness. If they respond to God by faith, they find fulfillment in knowing and serving God. If they suppress the truth in unrighteousness, they will ultimately worship and serve the creation rather than the Creator. This is the sense in which I use the term “Godward orientation.”

We often are taught that man becomes a sinner when he sins. The Bible teaches that man sins because he is a sinner. Your children are never morally neutral, not even from the womb.

If he is living as a fool who says in his heart there is no God, he doesn’t cease to be a worshiper—he simply worships what is not God. Part of the parent’s task is to shepherd him as a creature who worships, pointing him to the One who alone is worthy of his worship. The question is not “will he worship?” It is always “whom will he worship?”

The task you undertake in childrearing is always concerned with both issues depicted in these charts. You want to provide the best possible shaping influences for your children. You want the structure of your home to furnish the stability and security that they need. You want the quality of relationships in your home to reflect the grace of God and the mercy for failing sinners that God’s character demonstrates. You want the punishments meted out to be appropriate and to reflect a holy God’s view of sin. You want the values of your home to be scripturally informed. You want to control the flow of events so that your home is not chaotic, but well-structured. You want to provide a healthy, constructive atmosphere for your child.

There are two issues that feed into the persons your children become: 1) the shaping influences of life, and 2) their Godward orientation. Therefore, your parenting must be addressed to both of these issues. You must be concerned about how you structure the shaping influences of life that are under your control (many things are not, e.g. death, and so forth). Secondly, you must be actively shepherding the Godward orientation of your children. In all of this you must pray that God will work in and around your efforts and the responses of your children to make them people who know and honor God.

Application Questions for Chapter 3 1. Do you tend to be a determinist in the way you look at childrearing? Are you able to see that your children are active responders to the shaping influences in their lives? How do you see them responding? 2. What do you think is the Godward orientation of your children? Are their lives and responses organized around God as a Father, Shepherd, Lord, Sovereign, and King? Or do you see them living for some sort of pleasure, approval, acceptance, or some other false god? 3. How can you design winsome and attractive ways of challenging the idolatry you may see within your child? 4. How can you make your focus in correction the deeper issues of Godward orientation? How can you help your child see how he is investing himself in things that cannot satisfy? 5. Are you and your spouse spending time in prayer for God to reveal himself to your children? Ultimately, God initiates any work in your children’s hearts.

authority. When we allow our children to become independent decision makers we give them a false idea of liberty and a mistaken notion about freedom. Freedom is not found in autonomy, it is found in obedience. (Psalm 119:44-45).

As a parent, you have authority because God calls you to be an authority in your child’s life. You have the authority to act on behalf of God. As a father or mother, you do not exercise rule over your jurisdiction, but over God’s. You act at his command. You discharge a duty that he has given. You may not try to shape the lives of your children as pleases you, but as pleases him.

You do not come to your child demanding, for your own purposes, that he knuckle under you and obey. No! You come with the corrections of discipline that are the way to life (Proverbs 6:23). You engage your son on behalf of God because God has first engaged you. I recall many conversations that went like this: Father: “You didn’t obey Daddy, did you?” Child: “No.” Father: “Do you remember what God says Daddy must do if you disobey?” Child: “Spank me?” Father: “That’s right. I must spank you. If I don’t, then I would be disobeying God. You and I would both be wrong. That would not be good for you or for me, would it?” Child: “No.” [a reluctant reply] What is this dialog communicating to the child? You are not spanking him because you are mean. You are not trying to force him to submit to you only because you hate insolence. You are not mad at him. You, like him, are under God’s rule and authority. God has called you to a task you cannot shirk or shrug off. You are acting under God’s rule. You are requiring obedience because God says you must.

Some may argue, “Children only learn to be decision makers as parents allow them to make decisions. We want children to learn to make sound decisions.” This misses the most important issue. Children will be good decision makers as they observe faithful parents modeling and instructing wise direction and decision making on their behalf.

Sadly, most correction occurs as a by-product of children being an embarrassment or an irritation. Why is this? Our idea of parenting does not include shepherding. Our culture sees a parent as an adult care-provider. Quality time is considered having fun together. Fun together is not a bad idea, but it is light years away from directing your child in the ways of God. In contrast to this, Genesis 18 calls fathers to direct their children to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just. Being a parent means working in God’s behalf to provide direction for your children. Directors are in charge. It involves knowing and helping them to understand God’s standard for children’s behavior. It means teaching them that they are sinners by nature. It includes pointing them to the mercy

I have spoken to countless parents who genuinely thought their unholy anger had a legitimate place in correction and discipline. They reasoned that they could bring their children to a sober fear of disobeying if they showed anger. So discipline became the time when Mom or Dad manipulated their children through raw displays of anger. What the child learns is the fear of man, not the fear of God. James 1 demonstrates the falsehood of the idea that parents should underscore correction with personal rage: My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. (James 1:19–20) The Apostle James could not be more clear. The righteous life that God desires is never the product of uncontrolled anger. Unholy human anger may teach your children to fear you. They may even behave better, but it will not bring about biblical righteousness.