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Correction is not displaying your anger at their offenses; it is rather reminding them that their sinful behavior offends God. It is bringing his censure of sin to these subjects of his realm. He is the King. They must obey.
The child learns to receive correction, not because parents are always right, but because God says the rod of correction imparts wisdom, and whoever heeds correction shows prudence (Proverbs 15:5, 29:15).
You are the authority over your child, because God has called you to direct (Genesis 18:19). You provide direction under God’s authority. Your right to be in charge is derived from God’s authority. You need not be tentative or overbearing. You are God’s agent to teach his ways to your child. You are God’s agent to help your child understand himself as a creature in God’s world. You are God’s agent to show the need for God’s grace and forgiveness. You look to God to give you strength and wisdom for your task.
If correction orbits around the parent who has been offended, then the focus will be venting anger or, perhaps, taking vengeance. The function is punitive. If, however, correction orbits around God as the one offended, then the focus is restoration. The function is remedial. It is designed to move a child who has disobeyed God back to the path of obedience. It is corrective.
love? I thought of Proverbs 3:12: “ … the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” Proverbs 13:24 rushed to mind: “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” Revelation 3:19: “Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline.” How can you balance discipline and love? Discipline is an expression
Discipline as positive instruction rather than negative punishment does not rule out consequences or outcomes of behavior. Consequences and outcomes of behavior are certainly part of the process God uses to chasten his people. The Bible illustrates the power of proper outcomes to show blessing on obedience and the destruction that comes with sin and disobedience.
Discipline has a corrective objective. It is therapeutic, not penal. It is designed to produce growth, not pain.
Application Questions for Chapter 4 1. What do you think is the nature of your authority as a parent? How does this square with a biblical view? 2. How frequently does your correction of your children boil down to an interpersonal contest rather than an underscoring of God’s authority over your children? 3. What are some things you can do to keep your discipline focused on turning your children to the paths of life? 4. How do you present your authority to your children? Do you ever find yourself saying things like “I am your father/mother, and as long as you live here,
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But is the measure of the parent the number of activities provided for the child? Is the measure of the child the number of skills developed?
Will true success depend on the skills which these activities teach? What is a biblical definition of success?
This is a sensitive issue that must be tempered by two facts: 1) You can never know with absolute certainty whether your child is saved. Many passages such as the “Lord, Lord” passage at the end of the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 7:21–23) indicate that false faith can carry someone a long way. The heart can even deceive itself. Thus, the Bible warns about the dangers of being self-deceived and exhorts you to test yourself to see whether you are in the faith. 2) A child’s profession of faith in Christ does not change the basic issues of childrearing. The parent’s goals are the same. The things
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as valuable as family worship is, it is no substitute for true spirituality. I know a family that never missed family worship. They read the Bible and prayed each day. But in family living and family values there was no connection between the family worship routine and life. While family worship is valuable, the family worship of the family described above reflected a defective spirituality.
They are persuaded that education brings success. Unfortunately, scores of disillusioned and broken people are thoroughly educated. It is possible to be well-educated and still not understand life.
Q. What is the chief end of man? A. Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever.
children? You must equip your children to function in a culture that has abandoned the knowledge of God. If you teach them to use their abilities, aptitudes, talents, and intelligence to make their lives better, without reference to God, you turn them away from God. If your objectives are anything other than “Man’s chief end is to glorify God and enjoy him forever,” you teach your children to function in the culture on its terms.
We lose them because we fail to think clearly about man’s chief end. The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever; therefore, your objective in every context must be to set a biblical worldview before your children.
Application Questions for Chapter 5 1. How do you define success? How would your child complete this sentence? “What Mom and Dad want for me is … ” 2. You are pushed and pulled by the things that are listed under unbiblical goals. Which of these unbiblical goals influences your parenting the most adversely? 3. Remember, you are a shaping influence for your children. What makes you tick? What would you say drives you day by day? What do you fear, love, feel anxious about? What are the values taught in your home? 4. Like Old Testament Israel, you are affected by the culture
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The practice of family worship is a means, not an end. It is a means to the end of knowing God. The name of the game is not daily family worship per se; it is knowing God. The end is knowing God. A means to employ in reaching that end is family worship. You need family worship that connects with your children and their lives. You must be creative and flexible in assuring that your family worship serves the shepherding and nurturing tasks we have outlined above.
Reading the Proverbs daily is of great benefit to children (and to adults). Our daily practice was to read one-third of a chapter of Proverbs before school each day. This was a rich source of wisdom and encouragement for our children.
The Proverbs serve as an owner’s manual for life. Proverbs confronts a child with every aspect of true spirituality.
Why do all this? For this simple reason: to make the Bible truth live for our children. Always remember that the goal of family worship is knowing God. When you lose sight of that goal, family worship becomes an empty ritual.
Waiting to eat until all are served is not just an empty social convention; it is a way of showing consideration for those around you.
there should be no pressure for good grades at all. Grades are unimportant. Some children can achieve “A’s” without any diligent effort. Others struggle for a good solid “C”. What is important is that your child learn to do his work diligently for God. God has promised that he will reward the faithful. Knowing that gifts and abilities are a stewardship from the Lord, your child’s objective should be faithfulness.
Application Questions for Chapter 6 These questions are the same ones we thought about at the end of chapter 5. How has your understanding of these issues been changed by the Word of God? 1. How do you define success? How would your child complete this sentence? “What Mom and Dad want for me is … ” 2. You are pushed and pulled by the things listed under unbiblical goals. Which of these unbiblical goals influences your parenting the most adversely? 3. Remember, you are a shaping influence for your children. What makes you tick? What would you say drives you day by day? What do
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We cannot be indifferent to methodology. Biblically, the method is as important as the objectives. God speaks to both issues. He is concerned not only with what we do, but also with how we do it.
While I am not against praising children for doing what is right, I reject the notion that children should be rewarded for fulfilling normal responsibilities.
Let me note in passing that biblical incentives and rewards are not an end in themselves, but rather the outcomes of obedience to God. There is temporal blessing attached to obedience. The God who knows our hearts calls us to right behavior for the purpose of honoring him. He honors those who honor him (1 Samuel 2:30).
method of discipline, we may expect it to have a long-term effect.
bathroom. The problem here
Grounding is not corrective. It is simply punitive. It does not biblically address the issues of the heart that were reflected in the child’s wrong behavior. It simply punishes for a specified period of time.
I have often wondered why grounding is so universally popular. I believe it is because it is easy. It doesn’t require on-going interaction. It does not require on-going discussion. It does not assess what is going on inside the child. It does not require patient instruction and entreaty. Grounding is quick, incisive, simple. “You’re grounded for a month. Go to your room.”
Where do these unbiblical methods take us? What kind of fruit do they bear? While we have discussed several differing approaches, they all lead to the same problems. They lead to superficial parenting, rather than shepherding the hearts of our children. They only address behavior. Hence, they miss the point of biblical discipline. Biblical discipline addresses behavior through addressing the heart. Remember, the heart determines behavior. If you address the heart biblically, the behavior will be impacted.
Superficial parenting that never addresses the heart biblically produces superficial children who do not understand what makes them tick.
Let’s imagine you are dealing with the problem of a child’s failure to do his homework. Here are several common, but unbiblical, approaches used to change a child’s behavior. Bribery approach: “Do your work all week and I’ll take you to the ball game.” Emotional approach: “Please do your work. I get so upset when you don’t. It makes me feel like crying. I wonder where I went wrong.” Or, “I have invested an awful lot in your education and you are making me feel that I have wasted my money.” Punitive approach: “You didn’t do your work, so no TV for a week. If you fail again tomorrow it will be
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Application Questions for Chapter 7 1. Have you thoroughly thought through what you are doing as a parent? Have you subjected the things you say and do in your interaction with your child to biblical critique? 2. Which of the unbiblical methods above have you seen yourself use? Can you think of any other common unbiblical approaches to discipline and correction? 3. State in your own words wWhat is wrong with these unbiblical approaches? State it in your own termswords what is wrong with these unbiblical approaches. 4. How would you defend this statement: The behavior of our
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God’s Word must inform not only our goals, but also our methods. Methods and goals should be complementary. You want your child to live for the glory of God.
We often think of communication as the ability to express ourselves. Accordingly, we think of ourselves as talking to our children. Instead, you should seek to talk with your children. Communication is not monologue. It is dialogue. It is not only the ability to talk, but also the ability to listen.
What is important in correction is not venting your feelings, anger or hurt; it is, rather, understanding the nature of the struggle that your child is having. What is important is understanding the “why” of what has been done or said. You need to understand not just what has happened, but what is going on within your child.
Your communication objective can be stated in several simple propositions. 1. The behavior you see is a reflection of the abundance of your child’s heart. 2. You want to understand the specific content of the abundance of his heart. 3. The internal issues of the heart are of greater import than the specifics of behavior, since they drive behavior.
If you are going to understand and help your child understand himself, there are skills you must develop. You must learn to help your children to express themselves. You must learn to facilitate conversation. You must know how to comprehend behavior and words. You must strive to discern matters of the heart. Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” As a parent, you want to be such a person of understanding.
You will have to develop skill at probing the heart if you want to really understand your children. Most parents have had this sort of conversation with their children:
There are four issues you must walk him through: 1) the nature of temptation, 2) the possible responses to this temptation, 3) the motives for those responses, and 4) the sinful response he chose. In this process you stand both above him and beside him. You are above him because God has called you to a role of discipline and correction. You are beside him because you, too, are a sinner who struggles with anger toward others.
Application Questions for Chapter 8 1. Are you able to help your children express themselves? 2. What should be your first communication objective in responding to a problem with your children? 3. What are five or six good questions for drawing out what your child is thinking or feeling? 4. What changes would you have to make in your conversational style if you were going to have a conversation like the second example about the new sneakers? 5. Express in your own words what this statement means: “In the process of helping your child understand his sin, you stand both
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Communication must be multifaceted and richly textured. It must include encouragement, correction, rebuke, entreaty, instruction, warning, teaching, and prayer. All of these must be part of your interaction with your children.
You can help them assess the reasons for disappointment. You need to help them understand the promises of God. You can encourage them to find courage, hope and inspiration from God, who draws near to the brokenhearted and contrite.
She addressed Heather’s response in terms of Proverbs 9 and the contrast between the way a mocker and a wise person receives correction.
Your children’s lives are fraught with danger. Warnings put us on guard regarding a probable danger. A warning is merciful speech, for it is the equivalent of posting a sign informing motorists about a bridge that is out. A warning faithfully alerts us to danger while there is still time to escape unharmed. An alert parent can enable his child both to escape danger and learn in the process. Warning preserves.
The following proverbs contain warnings for the wise and discerning: 12:24 “ … laziness ends in slave labor.” 13:18 “He who ignores discipline comes to poverty and shame.” 14:23 “ … mere talk leads only to poverty.” 15:1 “ … a harsh word stirs up anger.” 16:18 “Pride goes before destruction … ” 17:19 “ … he who builds a high gate invites destruction.” 19:15 “ … the shiftless man goes hungry.” This is only a suggestive list of warnings from Proverbs.
Teaching is the process of imparting knowledge. Teaching is causing someone to know something. Sometimes, teaching takes place before it is needed. It is often most powerfully done after a failure or problem.
While prayer is not communication with the child but with God, it is nevertheless an essential element of communication between the parent and the child. Our most penetrating insights into our children will often come as they pray. Understanding what they pray and how they pray is often a window into their souls. In the same manner, the parent’s prayer provides instruction and insight for the child.
