Shepherding a Child's Heart
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Read between January 3 - March 13, 2019
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This is the point: Your communication with your children will take many forms. The subtle and rich nuances of each of the forms of communication outlined above must be reflected in your communication with your children.
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Application Questions for Chapter 9 1.      What proportion of your communication is restricted to the top block of figure 5? 2.      When you find problems at home, do you expect to solve them with a new set of rules and punishments, or with richer forms of communication? 3.      Outline how you would talk to your teen who seemed to have stolen some money from you but would not admit it. 4.      What are the “quality of relationship” issues that must be in place if you are going to be able to entreat your child in winsome ways? 5.      How would you encourage your child who had failed ...more
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Parents are often too busy to talk unless something is wrong. A regular habit of talking together prepares the way for talking in strained situations. You will never have the hearts of your children if you talk with them only when something has gone wrong.
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Honest, thorough, truly biblical communication is expensive. Insightful and penetrating conversations take time. Children require both time and flexibility. Children do not pour their hearts out or open themselves up on a demand schedule. A wise parent talks when the kids are in the mood. Every so often they will ask a question, make a comment, reveal some little aspect of their heart. In those times, when their conscience is stirred, you need to talk.
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The wise parent talks when the kids are ready to talk! Proper communication requires mental stamina. You must keep your thoughts focused. You must avoid the temptations to chase unimportant matters. Questions that have not been answered must be posed in new and fresh ways.
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You must bring integrity to your interaction with your children. You model the dynamics of the Christian life for your children. You must let them see sonship with the Father in you. You should show them repentance. Acknowledge your joys and fears and how you find comfort in God. Live a shared life of repentance and thankfulness. Acknowledge your own sin and weakness. Admit when you are wrong. Be prepared to seek forgiveness for sinning against your children. The right to make searching and honest appraisal of your children lies in willingness to do the same for yourself. 
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Full-orbed, rich, multi-faceted communication is the cement that holds a parent and a child together. Communication will provide the context for a growing unity with your children. Children know when they have a relationship with people who are wise and discerning, who know and understand them, who love and are committed to them.
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There will be times of disagreement or conflict, but disagreement can be resolved in a relationship of open communication.
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In this chart, influence represents the willingness of a child to place himself under authority because of trust. This trust has several elements. Children trust you when they know you love them and are committed to their good, when they know you understand them, when they know you understand their strengths and weaknesses, when they know that you have invested yourself in encouragement, correction, rebuke, entreaty, instruction, warning, understanding, teaching, and prayer. When a child knows that all his life you have sought to see the world through his eyes, he will trust you. When he knows ...more
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Your children will need finely honed communication skills for every relationship they will ever have.
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As consumers, citizens, members of the body of Christ, parents—in every stage and station of life—they must learn to speak with precision and accuracy. They must gain facility in drawing others out.
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Communication is the art of expressing in godly ways what is in my heart and of hearing completely and understanding what another thinks and feels.
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Sensitive communication with your children enables them to understand the complexity of life. They learn that life is concerned with both the world of feelings and the world of ideas. It means understanding yourself and others. It means having long-term vision as well as short-term goals. It’s being concerned with not only the “what” or “what happened,” but also about the “why.”
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It means seeing character development as more important than short-term gratification. Only biblical communication will expose these important life issues. The more you talk with your children, helping them to understand themselves, their temptations, fears and doubts, the more you prepare them to understand life in the world.
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You must regard parenting as one of your most important tasks while you have children at home. This is your calling. You must raise your children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. You cannot do so without investing yourself in a life of sensitive communication in which you help them understand life and God’s world. There is nothing more important. You have only a brief season of life to invest yourself in this task. You have only one opportunity to do it. You cannot go back and do it over.
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Application Questions for Chapter 10 1.      If you were to have the kind of communication with your children outlined here, what would the costs be for you? Are you willing to pay that price? 2.      How are you at hearing what your child is saying? 3.      Is confession of your sins, where appropriate, a regular part of your communication with your children? 4.      What are the sanctification issues that you would need to address in order to lead your children in the ways set forth in this chapter? 5.      How can you help your children have a vision for the kind of communication outlined ...more
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Children are not born morally and ethically neutral. The Bible teaches that the heart is “deceitful and desperately wicked” (Jeremiah 17:9, KJV). The child’s problem is not an information deficit. His problem is that he is a sinner. There are things within the heart of the sweetest little baby that, allowed to blossom and grow to fruition, will bring about eventual destruction.
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It is a question of authority. Will the child live under the authority of God and therefore the authority of his parents, or under his own authority—driven by his wants and passions?
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Watch a baby struggle against a diaper change or wearing a hat in the winter. Even this baby who cannot articulate or even conceptualize what he is doing shows a determination not to be ruled from without. This foolishness is bound up within his heart. Allowed to take root and grow for fourteen or fifteen years, it will produce a rebellious teenager who will not allow anyone to rule him.
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The rod is given for this extremity. “Punish him [a child] with the rod and save his soul from death” (Proverbs 23:14). Your children’s souls are in danger of death—spiritual death. Your task is to rescue your children from death. Faithful and timely use of the rod is the means of rescue.
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Properly administered discipline humbles the heart of a child, making him subject to parental instruction. An atmosphere is created in which instruction can be given. The spanking renders the child compliant and ready to receive life-giving words.
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The rod is a parent, in faith toward God and faithfulness toward his or her children, undertaking the responsibility of careful, timely, measured, and controlled use of physical punishment to underscore the importance of obeying God, thus rescuing the child from continuing
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The command is “discipline your son.” The Bible does not grant permission to all adults to engage in corporal punishment of all children. It is an element in a broader range of parenting activities. It does not stand alone.
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This is one of the problems with spanking children at school. When a teacher undertakes the spanking, the spanking process is removed from its context in the parent-child relationship. The same mother and father who comfort the child when he is sick, who take him to amusement parks, who remember his birthday, give the spanking. A spanking is very different when administered by a non-parent.
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The use of the rod is an act of faith. God has mandated its use. The parent obeys, not because he perfectly understands how it works, but because God has commanded it.
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The rod is a responsibility. It is not the parent determining to punish. It is the parent determining to obey. It is the parent, as God’s representative, undertaking on God’s behalf what God has called him to do.
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The rod is the careful, timely, measured and controlled use of physical punishment. The rod is never a venting of parental anger. It is not what the parent does when he is frustrated. It is not a response to feeling that his child has made things hard for him. It is always measured and controlled. The parent knows the proper measure of severity for this particular child at this particular time. The child knows how many swats are to come.
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The rod is a rescue mission. The child who needs a spanking has become distanced from his parents through disobedience. The spanking is designed to rescue the child from continuing in his foolishness. If he continues, his doom is certain.
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The rod underscores the importance of obeying God. Remember, the issue is never, “You have failed to obey ME.” The only reason for a child to obey Mom and Dad is that God commands it. Failure to obey Mom or Dad is, therefore, failure to obey God.
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The biblical concept of the rod is not the parent exacting retribution for the child’s wrong. It is not payment due. Many parents have a punitive mindset. They see discipline as the child paying for his sins. Rather than correction having the positive goal of restoration, it has the negative goal of payment.
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The difference between righteous and unrighteous indignation is illustrated by asking, “Whose honor is being preserved?”  If I am angry because God has been dishonored and that vexes me, I am probably experiencing righteous anger. If my anger is the garden variety, “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me, who do you think you are, you little brat,” it is probably unrighteous anger.  That kind of anger will muddy the waters of discipline.
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Who benefits if you do not spank your child? Surely not the child. The above passages make it clear that such failure places the child at risk. Who benefits? You do. You are delivered from the discomfort of spanking your child. You are delivered from the agony of causing discomfort for this one who is precious to you. You are delivered from the inconvenience and loss of time that biblical discipline requires.
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Proverbs 13:24: “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” According to this passage, it is hatred, not love, thatlove, which will keep me from spanking my child. Love will force me to do it.
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Biblically-balanced discipline never physically endangers a child.
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You may fear that spanking will make them think of you as cruel and harsh. You may fear that discipline will bring out the worst in them. Proverbs 29:17
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Rather than discipline yielding angry, sullen children, it yields children who are at peace with you. It produces children in whom you delight. This is true not only in the long term, but also in the short term. Administering a spanking in the manner laid out in chapter 15 yields a child who is engaged and happy—even immediately after a spanking.
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The danger of children seeing hitting as an appropriate response to frustration will arise only if parents are spanking in anger.
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It Doesn’t Work This objection requires further examination of a parent’s specific practice. Years of pastoral experience have persuaded me that cases of the rod not working can be summarized as follows: A)      The primary reason spanking can be ineffective is spanking in anger. Children will not willingly submit themselves to the authority of an angry, out-of-control parent.  There is an innate sense of justice in a child; they will inwardly resist submitting their hearts to a parent who bullies them.  They may cower. They may even respond to the punishment out of fear, but they will not ...more
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I’m Afraid of Being Arrested for Child Abuse There is measure of validity to this concern, although it is not illegal to spank your children.  What is illegal is child abuse, but a properly administered spanking is not abusive. Obviously, in a society that does not understand the Bible and equates spanking with abuse, one must be wise.
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There may be circumstances outside the home in which you choose to overlook behavior that you would not overlook if you were at home.
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When dealing with young children, most of the time you will be at home and will have plenty of opportunities to deal with these issues. You can always leave wherever you are and go home if the issues are important enough to necessitate leaving.
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Consistent use of the rod teaches your children to develop a harvest mentality; they learn that they will reap what they sow. Young children must learn to obey. When disobedience is met with uncomfortable consequences, they learn that God has built the principle of sowing and reaping into their world.
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The rod demonstrates parental love and commitment. Hebrews 12 makes it clear that the rod is an expression of love. In verse 5, discipline is a sign of sonship. The parent who disciplines shows he loves his child. He is not an uninterested party. He is not ambivalent. He is engaged and involved. His commitment runs deep—deep enough to invest himself in careful discipline.
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The rod promotes an atmosphere of closeness and openness between parent and child. The parent who is engaging his child and refusing to ignore things that challenge the integrity of their relationship will experience intimacy with his child. When a child is allowed to be sullen and disobedient, distance develops between the parent and child. The parent who refuses to allow estrangement will enjoy a close and open relationship.
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Communication and the rod are not stand-alone methods. They are designed to work together. This is the point of Hebrews 12:5–6: “You have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: ‘My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.’ ”
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Your children need to be known and understood—thus rich communication is necessary. They also need authority. They need limits that are clear and correction that is predictable—thus the rod is necessary.
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The use of the rod preserves biblically rooted, parental authority. The emphasis on rich communication prohib...
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Some parents have a greater facility for either communication or the rod. It is good to be sensitive to the nonbiblical distortions of each. The person who is comfortable with the rod can fall into the distortion of being authoritarian. A parent for whom communication is natural and easy may tend toward permissiveness. Authoritarian parents tend to lack kindness. Permissive parents tend to lack firmness.
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