Shepherding a Child's Heart

by Tedd Tripp

Let me overview a biblical vision for the parenting task. The parenting task is multifaceted. It involves being a kind authority, shepherding your children to understand themselves in God’s world, and keeping the gospel in clear view so your children can internalize the good news and someday live in mutuality with you as people under God.

Thesis

My observation after thirty-five years of school administration, parenting, pastoral work, and counseling is that children generally do not resist authority that is truly kind and selfless.

This shepherding process helps a child to understand himself and the world in which he lives.

usually reply that the gospel is powerful and attractive. It uniquely meets the needs of fallen humanity. Therefore, I expected that God’s Word would be the power of God to salvation for my children. But that expectation was based on the power of the gospel and its suitability to human need, not on a correct formula for producing children who believe. The central focus of parenting is the gospel.

opportunity to help his young adult child pursue with honesty all his questions of faith. The Word of God is robust; Christian faith can withstand close, honest scrutiny. Everyone does not have the obligation to ask every question, but everyone has the obligation to ask every question that he has.

These passages are instructive for the task of childrearing. They teach that behavior is not the basic issue. The basic issue is always what is going on in the heart. Remember, the heart is the control center of life. Parents often get sidetracked

A change in behavior that does not stem from a change in heart is not commendable; it is

Hmm. Not sure this is quite right anymore. Sure it's half right. But it tie formation requires what trip calls "condemnable" behavior. When learning to speak another language, you have to parrot stuff at first and get the "external" bit down even before you internalize it. Behavior is the product of the heart, yes. But behavior does subsequently affect the heart as well. Child rearing requires the latter as much as the former.

You must help your child ask the questions that will expose that attitude of the heart that has resulted in wrong behavior. How did his heart stray to produce this behavior? In what characteristic ways has his inability

Let’s take a familiar example from any home where there are two or more children. The children are playing and a fight breaks out over a particular toy. The classic response is “Who had it first?” This response misses heart issues. “Who had it first?” is an issue of justice. Justice operates in the favor of the child who was the quicker draw in getting the toy. If we look at this situation in terms of the heart, the issues change. Now you have two offenders. Both children

It provides opportunities to show the glories of God who sent his Son to change hearts and free people enslaved to sin.

He did, and to change behavior, which would induce further maturation in both regards. Jesus didn't come to cause an existential change in his hearers.

The heart is the well-spring of life.

Agreed

You must learn to work from the behavior you see, back to the heart, exposing heart issues for your children.

Agree

engage them, not just reprove them. Help them see the ways that

are trying to slake their souls’ thirst with that which cannot satisfy. You must help your kids gain a clea...

These are things worth striving for. This is a vision worthy of sacrifice.

The person your child becomes is a product of two things. The first is his

life experience. The second is how he interacts with that experience.

“See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ” (Colossians 2:8). The question

Your children are responsible for the way they respond to your parenting.

This is true, but more can be said. Are we responsible for shaping a godward focus? It is all God, but our calling and responsibility are inextricably bound together with his work. If our child's heart is not properly oriented we will certainly bear guilt for that. Federal headship stands. This doesn't ameliorate individual responsibility either.

Or it could mean they go to hell or heaven no matter what. Determinism can go both ways

They failed to see that he was choosing not to believe and obey God.

That part was true too.

Right

learning. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.” Verse 10 helps us see what ultimately determines

“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him” (Proverbs 22:15). The point of the proverb is that something

serving and growing in understanding of the implications of who God is, or he is seeking to make sense of life without a relationship with God. If he is living as a fool who says

The question is not “will he worship?” It is always “whom will he worship?” Implications for Childrearing This issue of Godward

Either he grows to love and trust the living God, or he turns more fully to various forms of idolatry and self-reliance. The story is not just the nature of the shaping influences of his life, but how he has responded to God in the

Since it is the Godward orientation of your child’s heart that determines his response to life, you may never conclude that his problems are simply a lack of maturity. Selfishness is not outgrown. Rebellion against authority is not outgrown. These things are not outgrown because they are not reflective of immaturity but rather

Summary This is the point. There are two issues that feed into the persons your children become: 1) the shaping influences of life, and 2) their Godward orientation. Therefore, your parenting must be addressed to both of these issues. You must be concerned about how you structure the shaping influences of life that are under your control (many things are not, e.g. death, and so forth). Secondly, you must be actively shepherding the Godward orientation of your children. In all of this you must pray that God will work in and around your efforts and the responses of your children to make

Basic direction of the book with the obvious emphasis on the latter. The author is writing because of The lack of material on #2.

Freedom is not found in autonomy, it is found in obedience. (Psalm 119:44-45). Parents in our culture often

When parents require obedience because they feel under pressure, obedience of children is reduced to parental convenience. Christian parents must clearly understand the nature of godly parenting and children must be trained that God calls them to obey always. Called to Be in Charge

God has an objective. He wants one generation to follow another in his ways. God accomplishes this objective through the agency of parental instruction.

If you allow unholy anger to muddy the correction process, you are wrong. You need to ask for forgiveness. Your right to discipline your children is tied to what God has called you to do, not to your own agenda. Unholy anger—anger over the fact that you are not getting what you want from your child—will muddy the waters of discipline. Anger that your child is not doing what you want frames discipline as a problem between parent and child, not as a problem between the child and God.

when you are disobeyed. It is God who is not being honored when you are not honored. The issue is not an interpersonal contest, rather it is your insistence that your child obey God, because obeying God is good and right. We know

demanding, for your own purposes, that he knuckle under you and obey. No! You come with the corrections of discipline that are the way to life (Proverbs 6:23). You engage your son on behalf of God because God has first

Father: “You didn’t obey Daddy, did you?” Child: “No.” Father: “Do you remember what God says Daddy must do if you disobey?” Child: “Spank me?” Father: “That’s right. I must spank you. If I don’t, then I would be disobeying God. You and I would both be wrong. That would not be good for you or for me, would it?” Child: “No.” [a reluctant reply] What is this dialog communicating to the child? You are not spanking him because you are mean. You are not trying to force him to submit

observe that most parents do not understand the appropriateness and necessity of being in charge in their child’s life. Rather, parents take the role of adviser. Few are willing to say, for instance, “I have prepared oatmeal for your breakfast. It is a good, nutritious food and I want you

to eat it. Maybe other mornings we will have something you like better.” Many are saying, “What do you want for breakfast? You don’t want the oatmeal I have prepared; would you like something else?” This sounds very nice and enlightened, but what is really happening? The child is learning that he is the decision maker. The parent only suggests the options. This scenario is repeated in the experience of young children in clothing choices, schedule choices,

free-time choices and so forth. By the time the child is six or eight or ten, he is his own boss. By age thirteen the child is out of control. Parents can cajole, plead, urge (in frustration and anger), scream and threaten, but the child is his own boss. The parent has long since given up the decision-making prerogative in the child’s life. How di...

You shepherd your child in God’s behalf.

simply

like this one. On many occasions,

I have had to seek the forgiveness of my children for my anger or sinful response. I have had to say, “Son, I sinned

against you. I spoke in unholy anger. I said things I should not have said. I was wrong. God has given me a sacred task, and I have brought my unholy anger into this sacred mission. Please forgive me.” Your focus can be sharpened by the realization that discipline is not you working on your agenda, venting your wrath toward your children; it is you...

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the

The Apostle James could not be more clear. The righteous life that God desires is never the product of uncontrolled anger. Unholy human anger may teach your children to fear you. They may even behave better, but it will not bring

(Proverbs 15:5, 29:15).

“He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding” (Proverbs 15:32).

If correction orbits around the parent who has been offended, then the focus will be venting anger or, perhaps, taking vengeance. The function is punitive. If, however, correction orbits around God as the one offended, then the focus is restoration. The function is remedial. It is designed to move a child who has disobeyed God back to the path of obedience. It is corrective.