Shepherding a Child's Heart

by Tedd Tripp

I almost choked on my doughnut! Balance discipline and love? I thought of Proverbs 3:12: “ … the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” Proverbs 13:24 rushed to mind: “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” Revelation 3:19: “Those whom I love, I rebuke and discipline.” How can you balance discipline and love? Discipline is an expression of love. The conversation that I overheard

is not uncommon. Many parents lack a biblical view of discipline. They tend to think of discipline as revenge—getting even with the children for what they did. Hebrews 12 makes it clear that discipline is not punitive, but corrective. Hebrews 12 calls discipline a word of encouragement that addresses sons. It says discipline is a sign of God’s identification with us as our Father. God disciplines us for our good that we might share in his holiness. It says that while discipline is not pleasant, but painful, it yields a harvest of righteousness and peace. Rather than being something to

them. Thus, our correction is not us rescuing our children from the path of danger; it is rather us airing our frustration. It is us saying to them, “I am fed up with you. You are making me mad. I am going to hit you, or yell at you, or make you sit on a chair in isolation from the family until you figure out what you did wrong.” What I have just described is not discipline. It is punishment. It is ungodly child abuse. Rather than yielding a harvest of righteousness and peace, this sort of treatment leaves children sullen and angry. Is it any wonder that children resist the

toward your children, not against them. You move toward them with the reproofs and entreaties of life. Discipline has a corrective objective. It is therapeutic, not penal. It is designed to produce growth, not pain.

This is a sensitive issue that must be tempered by two facts: 1) You can never know with absolute certainty whether your child is saved. Many passages such as the “Lord, Lord” passage at the end of the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 7:21–23) indicate that false faith can carry someone a long way. The heart can even deceive itself. Thus, the Bible warns about the dangers of being

self-deceived and exhorts you to test yourself to see whether you are in the faith. 2) A child’s profession of faith in Christ does not change the basic issues of childrearing. The parent’s goals are the same. The things the child is called to are the same. He requires the same training he required before. He will have times of tenderness and times of spiritual coldness. The parent’s task does not change when the child makes a decision. There are many passages

This is not adequate. We don't wait for our children to make a decision of whether or not to speak English. The concept that our children have to make a "decision" is non-sense from the standpoint that such transfers them into the state of "being saved." How does a parent know when their children know how to speak English? Gradually overtime their immersion in the English language causes them to slowly development mastery of it. Beginning with Baptism, and continuous immersion in the Family of God and his Word as it is faithfully followed, and they will develop into faithful followers of Christ.

manipulation. Your children learn how to work others in a subtle but profoundly self-serving way. Some children become crass manipulators of others and disdainful of people with less polish. Others, seeing through the sham and

hypocrisy, become brash and crass rejecters of the conventions of culture. In the late 1960s and early 1970s, scores of young adults rejected etiquette

Any student of the Old Testament knows that God was concerned about Israel’s susceptibility to influence from the people of Canaan.

pander to their desires and wishes. We teach them to find their soul’s delight in going places and doing things. We attempt to satisfy their lust for excitement. We fill their young lives with distractions from God. We give them material things and take delight in their delight in possessions. Then we hope that somewhere down the line they will see that a life worth living is found only in knowing and serving God.

In terms of Godward orientation, we are training them in the idolatry of materialism.

They must learn that they will only “find themselves” as they find him. Your child must grow to see that real living is experienced when he stands before God and says, “Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you” (Psalm 73:25). If this is what you want for your children, then you must

Another example may be helpful. What advice do you give your child when she is confronted with abusive children on the school bus? Many parents would urge their child to fight fire with fire, to follow the return-evil-with-evil pattern. Some parents teach their child to ignore a

bully. But is either advice biblical? Not really. God says to return good for evil, all the while entrusting ourselves to the protective care of a God who says, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay” (Romans 12:19). Biblical counsel leads your children to entrust themselves

to God’s care and protection. It teaches sensitivity to the needs of the offender. “If your enemy is hungry, feed him” (Romans 12:20)....

They will refuse to have them influenced by secular humanism in school, but will expose them to unbiblical ideas of beauty in dance class.

Many of these activities teach your children to trust in themselves, when the Scripture says that those who trust in themselves are fools whose hearts turn from God.

Many families who always have time for team practice are unable to

organize family life around regular times of family Bible reading and prayer. What values are taught?

Strenuous activity is valid to keep the body in excellent health. You must be concerned with strength and stamina for a life of service to God. Activities that provide flexibility, strength and cardiovascular health are necessary for usefulness in God’s kingdom.

What is important is that your child learn to do his work diligently for God.

You need to train your child to find in Christ the strength and power to work for God’s glory. Anything else is training him to think and act unbiblically.

Teaching your children to live for the glory of God must be your overarching objective. You must teach your children that for them, as for all of mankind, life is found in knowing and serving the true and living God. The only worthy goal for life is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. If you accept this goal

Since the heart and behavior are so closely linked, whatever modifies behavior inevitably trains the heart. The heart is trained to greedy self-interest and obtaining rewards. The point of appeal is to Junior’s greed. Because Junior lives a lust-driven life in which he will perform for ice cream and other goodies, the program seems to work. But your methods inevitably instruct the heart—the heart determines behavior. One family I know

A point I made earlier, heart controls behavior, but behaviour influences heart as well

biblical incentives and rewards are not an end in themselves, but rather the outcomes of obedience to God. There is temporal blessing attached to obedience. The God who knows our hearts calls us to right behavior for the purpose of honoring him. He honors those who honor him (1 Samuel 2:30). Emotionalism Another method is

The emphasis is on getting homework done. Children are not being trained to make ethical choices as responsible people living in reverence for God. They are learning how to jump through your hoops and avoid your displeasure. They learn to make choices based on expediency rather than principle. There is another devastating effect

of this approach to discipline. It produces distance between parent and child. Children soon see through the implicit and explicit manipulation. They eventually come to resent the crass attempts to control their behavior. They learn to play the cat-and-mouse game with you, but depth of relationship and communication is lost. As they get older and can begin to imagine living independently of Mom and Dad, they become more resistant to the manipulation and perhaps even openly rebellious. Even the apparent

Communication is Dialogue, Not Monologue We often think of communication as the ability to express ourselves. Accordingly, we think of ourselves as talking to our children. Instead, you should seek to talk with your children. Communication is not monologue. It is dialogue. It is not only the ability to talk, but also the ability to listen. Proverbs 18:2 speaks to this issue with penetrating insight: “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.” Proverbs 18:13 reminds us that “He

The finest art of communication is not learning how to express your thoughts. It is learning how to draw out the thoughts of another. Your objective in communication must be to understand your child, not simply to have your child understand you.

teens have long since stopped trying. Crystal is a good

example. Her parents brought her for counseling. They said she was withdrawn. They knew she was in trouble, but she would not talk to them. Her mother was a screamer. Communication was limited to periods of volcanic

What is important in correction is not venting your feelings, anger or hurt; it is, rather, understanding the nature of the struggle that your child is having. What is important is understanding the “why” of what has been done or said. You need to understand not just what has happened, but what is going on within your child. Remember, it is

out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks. Your question in correction is this: What is the specific content of the abundance of the heart in this circumstance?

What was his response to that temptation? What was he trying to accomplish? If you can understand and help your child understand these things, you will be on your way to understanding the “w...

3. The internal issues of the heart are of greater import than the specifics of behavior, since they drive behavior.

Compatibilism 101

Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” As a parent, you want to be such a person of understanding. Think about the Incarnation

Christ. It is a good model for

interaction with your children. God could have remained off in heaven. He could have spoken through cloud and thunder as he did in Exodus 19. But what does God do in the incarnation? He comes to earth to dwell with us. He takes on flesh and blood like your flesh and blood. He takes a human psychology like we have. He accepts all the limitations of a man on the earth; he can only be in one place at one time. He experiences all the things we exper...

tempted.” You see, in the Incarnation, God comes to dwell with us in such a way that he can look at the world through your eyes. He fully understands what it is to be human and to face the temptations that human beings experience. That...

long Mom’s fuse is, Junior had better begin knowing something very soon! What is the problem here? Is it that Junior is simply refusing to talk? Probably not. He is simply being asked questions he cannot answer. He lacks the depth of understanding and self-reflection to be able to respond coherently to his mother’s questions. He needs to have the issues

when you hit your sister?” 2. “What did your sister do to make you mad?” 3. “Help me understand how hitting her seemed to make things better.” 4. “What was the problem with what she was doing to you?” (You need not deny the fact your child has been

about it.) 5. “In what other ways could

you have resp...

6. “How...

think your response reflected trust or lack of trust in God’s ability to car...

internal struggles with sin. There are four issues you must walk him through: 1) the nature of temptation, 2) the possible responses to this temptation, 3) the motives for those responses, and 4) the sinful response he chose. In this process you stand

children in this manner as God’s agent. You, therefore, have the right and obligation to censure evil. You do so as a sinner who is beside them and able to understand the way sin works in the human heart.

disheveled.

Proverbs 23:26, “My son, give me your heart … ” I have used this kind of communication in talking to my boys about the importance of avoiding sexual sins such as pornography. On scores of occasions I have entreated them about the danger of opening themselves to impurity. I have spoken about how sexual sin denigrates the image of God and fails to preserve his name as holy and glorious. I have warned that a life of sexual maladjustment is a

high price to pay for fleeting moments of titillation. I have mixed my entreaty with encouragement that the joys of biblical sex within marriage are beautiful beyond description. (You will find a primer for this speech in Proverbs 5–7.) Obviously, I have not had conversations like this every day, but periodic entreaty about such important