Let's Do This

by Loren Leigh

I should have asked him to come home with me before. He could have been here every Christmas since I’ve known him.

How would things have been different if we’d hooked up months ago? All those nights in his bed. What if I had rolled over and kissed him? I should have.

It’s Burkie’s plate. I remember because he didn’t eat any of his green beans, and for some reason, that makes me smile.

It feels right having him here. It feels right having him everywhere. He’s the person I want to be around more than anyone else. That never stops being true.

life has taught me that just about everything can be taken away. A brother’s health. A home. A scholarship. A best friend.

Shaw my poor baby boy

How many people ever get time like this with someone they— Shit. I mean, wow. Did I almost have that thought? I did. I’m falling for him. And I’m not going to run from it.

“Wanted to keep it forever.” “Like a memento?” “A permanent one,” I say. “Of something that means a hell of a lot.”

THIS IS SO CUTE BECAUSE SHAW SAID EARLIER HE WISHED HE HAD MORE MEMENTOS

If I think back to anything important over the last two and a half years, Burkie is right there, strong and steady and there.

“I guess I want you to know that it’s not just an experiment. Or just messing around. It means something.” His Adam’s apple bobs, his fingers stilling against my jaw. “It’s meant something for a while now.”

“Cassidy has things to say.” I brace myself. Just like I do in the crease. Steadying myself for whatever is going to come flying my way. For the hit that’s going to land, maybe right between my pads. “Let’s hear it.” Burkie drops his duffle on the floor. Tension tightens across his shoulders as he steps halfway in front of me. Right there on my right. Where he always is.

I’ve coached roommates. I’ve coached lifelong friends. I’ve coached brothers. I’ve coached guys who have hated each other so intensely they could barely look at each other. And I can guarantee you I’ve coached guys who were hooking up or bumping uglies or whatever you kids call it these days. I just didn’t know about it. I won’t pretend that it can’t impact things on the ice, but all of you”—he looks around at us pointedly—‍“have different relationships with each other, and it’s not my business to control that.

Words that I will forever remember: 1. “I think you should trust yourself, Burkie.” 2. “I kinda don’t want it to stop.” 3. “I’m quiet, because I wanted to.” 4. “We would have been there for you in a heartbeat.” 5. “I don’t think it’s actually about the bed.” 6. “I’m with Burkie. All the way.” 7. “I’m happy.” 8. “I just want to be us.” 9. “I want people to know that I miss you. That you’re important to me.” 10. “It’s you and me. We can do anything.”

I take one step toward him, and then another, until my toes are three inches from his. He tilts his head, a question flashing through his eyes, and then I kiss him. Right there in the middle of the motherfuckin’ locker room.

“And that word you were looking for earlier?” He leans back to wink at me. “I think it was boyfriends.” I close my eyes. “I’m pretty sure it was too.”

A call like this—it’s been my dream. What if you have two dreams?

I’m going. To the motherfuckin’ NHL. Without Shaw.

I knew this was coming. I’ve known since the first time I stepped foot on campus that I’d be leaving the Wolfpack someday. I’ve thought about it every day since Shaw and I started hooking up. Before then too. Because it didn’t take an ass toy or Shaw’s hand on his dick to make me realize what an incredible fuckin’ person he is. I’ve known it from the first moment I met him.

I flip open the little black box there and slip out a folded piece of paper.

fuck, I don’t want to do this. I do not want to get out of my truck. Ever. I want to stay right here. With him. Never more than a handful of inches away.

Could I give it all up for him? Could I walk away from this? Would I regret it? Could I take an NHL career and chuck it away without a single look back? Just so that I don’t have to leave his side? I think . . . I could. I think I’m so fuckin’ in love with him that I could.

“I love you.” It comes out quietly, tenderly. But strong. Like the truth that it really is. “I want everything with you. A life. A home. Marriage. I’d give up Montreal in a heartbeat for that. I’d give you a home you’d never have to lose.”

I'D GIVE YOU A HOME YOU'D NEVER HAVE TO LOSE

The paper trembles in my hand. It’s worn, something he’s folded and unfolded, again and again. I open it, scanning his neat print. Words that I will forever remember: 1. “I think you should trust yourself, Burkie.” I hold in a choked sob. There are nine more things listed underneath. Things I’ve said. Things that he must have felt. Things that mattered to him.

“I pick you.” I squeeze my eyes tighter, feeling him, the change in his breath, the shift of his stance to balance us, the edge of his list folded in my palm. “I love you. So freaking much.”

I love you.” My words come out in a rush, and then I smile. Because there’s no way I can say that and not smile. “I’m sorry it took me three minutes to say it back. You surprised me with the marriage thing.”

Six months later . . . Eden: Defenseman for Montreal Canadiens Shaw: Goaltender for Coachella Valley Firebirds

Seven months later . . . Burk: Defenseman for Montreal Canadiens Shaw: Goaltender for Columbus Blue Jackets

“I thought you might marry me,” I say. He flinches, his smile fading. “What?” Shit. Did I mess up? “Marry me?” I repeat, my nerves kicking hard. “Here. Now.”

“Shaw.” His eyes brim with so many emotions that I can’t parse them out. “I don’t need time to think. I’m in.”

One year later . . . Burk: Defenseman for Philadelphia Flyers Shaw: Goaltender for Chicago Blackhawks

FLYERS, HELL YEAH

Shaw’s eyes redden. “We did it.” He swallows thickly. He reaches up and runs his thumb along my cheek. I blink and realize that he’s wiping away my tears. There are so many damn emotions. So much fight to get back to where we’ve always belonged. On the ice. Him and me. Together.

Four years later . . . Burk: Defenseman for Chicago Blackhawks Shaw: Goaltender for Chicago Blackhawks

For some, it might just be a trophy, but in the world of hockey, you breathe, eat, and sleep for this. Every practice, every workout, everything you’ve missed in order to put all your focus into this one goal. Some guys play their entire lives and never get this chance. I have it with my husband backing me up on the ice.

I’ve only got two thoughts in my head. One is Shaw, of course. And the other is this: Sometimes, you just have to dream really fuckin’ big. And then hold on for the ride.