Let's Do This

by Loren Leigh

I’ve already DMed Burkie like fifty times. Sent four pictures. Flirted with him about all the dirty, dirty things we’re gonna do over FaceTime later.

Words that I will forever remember: 1. “I think you should trust yourself, Burkie.” 2. “I kinda don’t want it to stop.” 3. “I’m quiet, because I wanted to.” 4. “We would have been there for you in a heartbeat.” 5. “I don’t think it’s actually about the bed.” 6. “I’m with Burkie. All the way.”

I missed him these last three days. Even more than I expected. It felt like I was out of step with myself. My bed was a hollow cavern; my big-ass pillow was huge and empty.

his eyes light when he sees me standing there. He doesn’t stop moving, just crashes full force into me, his bag and hat tumbling to the floor as he all out bearhugs me. I brace my feet to hold his weight, my eyes closing and arms wrapping around him, under his jacket, the soft cotton of his hoodie against my forearms, and the strong lines of his back underneath that. The pressure releases in my chest.

“No one’s home,” I say, my voice gravelly. “But we’ve only got a few minutes.” As soon as I get the words out, he’s kissing me. His fingers tangle in my hair, his mouth opening against mine.

Les takes one glance at us, laughs and shakes his head, then heads over and drops on the couch.

“Is there any doubt what I’m gonna say?” Shaw winks at me. “I’m with Burkie. All the way.” I close my eyes for a split second and then open them, trying to look like I’m not about to propel myself across the room toward him.

He’s beyond gorgeous—the way he always looks in his pads. I burn to tell him that. To tell him how perfect this is. How he checks every box that I’ve ever wanted to check. To finally lay it all out there with him.

“Hey.” He winks at me and then pulls down his mask. “It’s you and me. We can do anything.” “Fuck, yeah.”

SCU’s forward slams right into Shaw within the first three minutes.

NOT THE GOALIE

“He’ll go after Shaw again soon,” Vain says, gripping my shoulder pads to pull me closer. My jaw locks. “Yep.” “You’re not going to go after him.” “Yeah, but a fight would—‍” “You’re going to score instead.”

the first thing I do is push around Dare so that it’s Shaw’s eyes I catch. From all the way across the ice. And it’s his smile that means the most.

“And that goal. Hell, I wanted to rush over to you and—‍” His eyes settle on my lips.

His gaze lingers on my mouth. I want to kiss him. So fuckin’ bad. Vain yells something into my other ear, shaking my sore shoulder, then he turns to Leslie. But I’m all out staring at Shaw as his eyes lock with mine, his nose flaring, his lips parting for a hard exhale.

Fuck it. I grab the front of his jersey and tug him back to the far edge of the white wall. His eyes spark bright green as I drag him around the corner, out of view of the throng. His lips crash against mine almost before we’re out of view.

And well past the fact that I’m falling so fuckin’ hard for him that I don’t know how to stop myself.

You were magic. Everything my father says is such a stark contrast to Shaw. To the way Shaw tips his chin and smiles at me. The way he pushes me. Not because he believes I’m shit, but because he believes I’m not.

I step aside, then stop again, looking back at him. Fuck it. Fuck it all. “I’m gay.”

Playing in the NHL has been the focus of my entire existence. A dream so big that it’s never felt achievable. But what if you suddenly wake up and realize you have two dreams? The one you’ve carried around for all your life—that you’ve struggled and battled every day toward—and then the one that you just found? A man so vibrant and present that it feels like he’s here even now. What if those two dreams might not be on the same path?

Words that I will forever remember: 1. “I think you should trust yourself, Burkie.” 2. “I kinda don’t want it to stop.” 3. “I’m quiet, because I wanted to.” 4. “We would have been there for you in a heartbeat.” 5. “I don’t think it’s actually about the bed.” 6. “I’m with Burkie. All the way.” 7. “I’m happy.”

We hug. I don’t give a shit that we’re standing in the middle of the living room, surrounded by our teammates. I don’t give a shit that this is probably looking less and less like a bro-hug by the second. I fucking hug him. Because something’s wrong.

“Let me get lost in you,” he whispers, picking his head up off the pillow. “Please, Shaw. Use that magnificent fuckin’ tongue on me.”

This kind of intense comfort vibrates between us. Warmth and quiet solace. Comfort. I’ve never felt anything like it before. It’s like taking what we have on the ice and multiplying it times a million.

“Right now, right here, with you, everything is okay.” Shit, I feel that. It’s always how I feel when I’m around Burkie.

Everyone should have a Burkie. Someone who makes things okay. Someone who makes a place feel like home just because they’re in it.

“Didn’t you get this to answer questions about yourself?” He tilts his head, taking a slow, measured stroke of his cock. “Already answered all those questions.” My brows go up. “Yeah?” He takes another slow stroke. “Conclusively.”

He’s all around me. Right there. And suddenly there’s nothing to be scared of. Like there’s nowhere to unexpectedly fall. Nothing that can be taken away.

“Fuck me,” I mumble around his cock. His body stills underneath mine. “Shaw?” I pull off his cock. “Want you to fuck me.” “Are you sure?” I nod, squeezing my eyes shut, that vibrator still pulsing deep. “Want you inside me.”

It’s not because it’s new, or different, or hot. It’s because it’s Burkie.

It’s not just sex. It’s something more. Growing between us as he focuses back on my face, his eyes catching on me like he can’t see anything else.

This is why we’re here. Why we get up in the morning. Why we push ourselves. This is it. The dream. Burkie’s dream. And that fucking matters. The sharp pinch in my chest doesn’t change that. It shouldn’t.

“Is there always someone about to smash in your door?” “Usually.” He sits partway up. “But it used to be you.” “That sounds accurate.”

Words that I will forever remember: 1. “I think you should trust yourself, Burkie.” 2. “I kinda don’t want it to stop.” 3. “I’m quiet, because I wanted to.” 4. “We would have been there for you in a heartbeat.” 5. “I don’t think it’s actually about the bed.” 6. “I’m with Burkie. All the way.” 7. “I’m happy.” 8. “I just want to be us.”

“I’d tell them all,” I say. “Come out. Be with you. I’d risk everything.” Everything. The Wolfpack. The NHL. No hesitation. No looking back.

“Maybe I can drop some clothes and deodorant there too,” he says. “You know, for convenience.” “Convenience, eh? I’ll clear out a drawer.” “Yeah?” His voice lilts up. “A whole drawer?” I’d clear my whole fuckin’ world for him.

“Come home with me.” I pause, hands over my duffle. “What?” “Chicago is on the way back to Colorado. Can you get a layover?” He scoots the chair closer to me. “You could stay with me.”

“I’m gonna miss you. So this way, I’ll miss you a little less.”

I could fit in here. I could do this—everyday, without question. All of my determination and passion given to this. The only thing that’s missing is Shaw. It’s a huge miss. One that I feel sharply when I’m getting showered after practice and I turn, and he’s not there.

And the reality is that if we’re apart, then we can’t always tell each other things first. That’s the fuckin’ deal. Can I live with that?

I never in my life thought that a man like Shaw would look at me the way he is right now. That I’d be worth it.

No matter what happens, I won’t be a selfish dick when it comes to the man sitting next to me.

I’m, ah, reading a hockey love story.”

Gotta love a good hockey romance

The strength of our friendship never leaves. Even when I’m watching him fist his dick or drop to his knees. It’s always right here. Like this framework that supports everything we do.

“Shaw, you invited me to a holiday with your entire family, where we’re making tortellini in a crowded kitchen. You picked me up at the airport—with a sign—and the first thing you asked me about when we got in your father’s work van was if I had a nice fuckin’ flight and what the snack was. We’ve been best friends for two and a half years—no sex involved. I have never once thought you’re only thinking about the hot sex.”

<333

I could tell him that I love him. Right here and now. Mumble it around his cock. Or pull off and say it, on my knees, looking up at him. And I would mean it. I would mean it more than I possibly know.

There’s a voice in the back of my head that pops up with “maybe you’re not good enough”. But I don’t fuckin’ listen to it. I want to listen to him instead.

Shaw slips once, and my heart jumps into my throat, but he reaches back to grab me, and sure as fuck, I’m there.

I’d rather be here with him than anywhere else in the entire fuckin’ world. Right here. With him. Stuck outside in the snow. I pick him. Over and over and over. Even if it’s not the same for him. Even if he never picks me back. Even if all these feelings are too damn big. “I pick you,” I lean over to look at him. He blinks up at me. “Pick me for what?” “For anything.” “I pick you too.”

“I fuckin’ mean that, Shaw.” I say. “I pick you.” Over everything. Maybe over an NHL dream.

Words that I will forever remember: 1. “I think you should trust yourself, Burkie.” 2. “I kinda don’t want it to stop.” 3. “I’m quiet, because I wanted to.” 4. “We would have been there for you in a heartbeat.” 5. “I don’t think it’s actually about the bed.” 6. “I’m with Burkie. All the way.” 7. “I’m happy.” 8. “I just want to be us.” 9. “I want people to know that I miss you. That you’re important to me.”