Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

by Douglas Stone

Delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade. Coated with sugar, thrown hard or soft, a hand grenade is still going to do damage. Try as you may, there’s no way to throw a hand grenade with tact or to outrun the consequences.

When competent, sensible people make a mistake or do something stupid, the most useful move is to try to figure out, first, what kept them from seeing it coming and, second, how to prevent the problem from happening again.

Talking about blame distracts us from exploring why things went wrong and how we might correct them going forward.

Instead of asking yourself, “How can they be so selfish?!” ask yourself, “I wonder what information they have that I don’t?” Instead of asking, “How can they be so irrational?” ask, “How might they see the world such that their view makes sense? What important experiences have shaped them?” Certainty locks us out of their story; curiosity lets us in.