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The building was on fire, and it wasn’t my fault.
‘Jobs are a part of life. Maybe you’ve heard of the concept. It’s called work? See, what happens is that you suffer through doing annoying and humiliating things until you get paid not enough money. Like those Japanese game shows, only without all the glory.’
Thomas was an annoying wiseass who tended to make everyone he met want to kill him, and when I have that much in common with someone, I can’t help but like him a little.
Yeah, chocolate. Chocolate fends off all kinds of nasty stuff. And if you get hungry while warding off evil, you have a snack. It’s multipurpose equipment.
‘Who the hell are you?’ he growled. ‘I the hell am Harry,’ I said. He pulled out his own gym bag and slammed the car door closed. ‘You always a wiseass?’ ‘No. Sometimes I’m asleep.’
There are thousands of names for them, in every culture – mana, psychic energy, totem, juju, chi, bioethereal power, the Force, the soul. It’s an incredibly complex system of interweaving energy that influences good old Mother Earth around us, but it all boils down to a fairly simple concept: Shit happens.
But I’ve noticed that people got the most irrational whenever family was around – while simultaneously losing their ability to distinguish reason from insanity. I call it familial dementia.
‘Oh, what would you like on your vegetarian pizza?’ ‘Dead pigs and cows,’ I said. She glanced up at me and wrinkled her nose. ‘They’re vegetarians,’ I said defensively.
If she’d crooked her finger, I think I would have been in danger of floating off the floor and drifting along behind her on a cloud of her perfume. Me and Pepé le Pew.
My face heated up. Murphy was probably my best friend, but she was still a girl, and a gentleman just doesn’t say some words in front of a lady. I held the phone with my shoulder and made a cupping motion in front of my chest with both hands. ‘You know.’ ‘Boobs?’ Murphy said brightly. ‘Jugs? Hooters? Ya-yas?’ ‘I guess.’ She continued as if I hadn’t said anything. ‘Melons? Torpedoes? Tits? Gazongas? Knockers? Ta-tas?’ ‘Hell’s bells, Murph!’
Lord Raith’s smile made me think of sharks and skulls.
He folded his arms over his stomach, as if nauseous, and bowed his head. His long hair veiled his face. ‘I never pretended I wasn’t . . . a predator, Harry. I never claimed she was anything but what she was. Food. You knew it. She knew it. I didn’t lie to anyone.’ I had a bunch of vicious answers I could have used, but I went with, ‘Before she went to you last night, Justine asked me to tell you that she loved you.’ Short of shoving a running chain saw into Thomas’s guts, I don’t think I could have hurt him any more.
‘Love is patient. Love is kind. Love always forgives, trusts, supports, and endures. Love never fails. When every star in the heavens grows cold, and when silence lies once more on the face of the deep, three things will endure: faith, hope, and love.’
Over the years I’ve learned that ignorance is more than just bliss. It’s freaking orgasmic ecstasy.
‘Okay,’ Kincaid said. ‘Anyone have any questions?’ ‘Why do they sell hot dogs in packages of ten but hot dog buns in packages of eight?’ I said.
‘There’s what’s right,’ the old man said, ‘and then there’s what’s necessary. They ain’t always the same.’
The world might be vicious and treacherous and deadly, but it couldn’t kill laughter. Laughter, like love, has power to survive the worst things life has to offer. And to do it with style.
