No More Mr. Nice Guy

by Robert A. Glover

Shane had Racquel on a pedestal and deep inside, he believed she could only love him if he was "good enough." In order to win her love he gave her gifts, sent her cards, left phone messages, bought her clothes, planned special surprises, and helped with her home and children. All of this created a sense of emotional indebtedness for Racquel. She felt like she could never repay Shane for everything he did for her. The truth was — she couldn't. Shane was trying to buy her love — only the contract wasn't clear. In time, the only way she could cope with his pleasing and caretaking was by pushing him away. When this happened, Shane was devastated. He couldn't understand why if he had fulfilled his end of the contract, Racquel wouldn't keep hers.

He didn't think he was that hard to please. The more Shane gave to Racquel, the more resentful he became. He would accuse her of not loving him. They would have tremendous battles in which they would break up, calling each other all kinds of

names. Afterwards Shane would feel frightened and remorseful and pursue Racquel and try to fix things (all the while resenting her for not pursuing him and trying to fix things). He would then start caretaking and pleasing again t...

Breaking Free Activity #15 It can be difficult to make a direct link between your caretaking behavior and the emotional pukes which inevitably follow. Observe the ways you hurt the people you love. •Do you make cutting remarks or hurtful "jokes"? •Do you embarrass them in public? •Are you frequently late? •Do you "forget" things they've asked you to do? •Do you criticize them? •Do you withdraw from them or threaten to leave? •Do you let frustration build until you blow up at them? Ask the significant others in your life to give you feedback about your caretaking and...

Since Nice Guys learned to sacrifice themselves in order to survive, recovery must center on learning to put themselves first and making their needs a priority.

mature people make getting their needs met a priority. Sometimes I have to repeat this truth many times in order for it to sink in. For Nice Guys, having needs means being "needy," and needy represents a one-way ticket to abandonment.

I also remind them they weren't put on this planet to meet anyone else's needs (except those of their children).

I then list the benefits for Nice Guys and the people around them when they begin to put themselves first: •They increase the likelihood of getting what they need and want. •They can give judiciously — giving what people really need. •They can give without resentment and expectation. •They become less needy. •They become more attractive.

Most Nice Guys will really like the last benefit on the list. Helpless, whiny, wimpy, and needy are not attractive on a man. Confidence and self-assurance are. Most folks are attracted to men who have a sense of self. Putting the self first doesn't drive people away, it attracts them. Putting the self first is essential for getting what one wants in love and life.

In order for Nice Guys to get their needs met, they must begin to shift their core paradigms. This shift includes coming to believe:

•Having needs is part of being human. •Mature people make meeting their own needs a priority. •They can ask for help in meeting their needs in clear and direct ways. •Other people really do want to help them meet their needs. •This world is a place of abundance.

For Nice Guys, putting the self first is not just a suggestion to try on for size. It is essential not only for getting needs met, but also for reclaiming personal power, feeling fully alive, and experiencing love and intimacy.

when Nice Guys take responsibility for their own needs and make them a priority, those around them benefit too. Gone are the covert contracts, the guessing games, the anger outbursts, and passive-aggressive behavior. Gone are the manipulation, the controlling behavior, and the resentment. I learned this lesson first-hand a few years back.

upon the urging of a friend, I decided to try putting myself first over the weekend. I made plans and invited

my wife to join me if she felt inclined. I did several things I wanted, including spending some time with friends. As it turned out, Elizabeth decided to join me on a number of occasions. On Monday, she shared with me that she had thoroughly enjoyed the weekend and didn't want it to end.

A Challenge In a session of one of my No More Mr. Nice Guy! men's groups, I challenged each of the group members to experiment with putting themselves first for at least a week. Though the challenge created tremend...

Nice Guys have believed a myth that promises them that if they give up themselves and put others first, they will be loved and get their needs met. There is only one way to change this illogical, nonproductive Nice Guy paradigm — putting themselves first.

When the Nice Guy puts himself first there is only one voice to consider — his own. Decisions are now made by one individual, rather than by a committee. He no longer has to mind read, predict, or try to please multiple voices with conflicting agendas. When putting himself first all the information he needs to make a decision is within him: "Is this what I want? Yes. Then that's what I'll do."

Make a decision to put yourself first for a weekend or even a whole week. Tell the people around you what you are doing. Ask a friend to support you and encourage you in this process. Pay attention to your initial anxiety. Pay attention to your tendency to revert to old patterns. At the end of the time period, ask the people around you what it was like for them when you put yourself first. Remember, you don't have to do it perfectly. Just do it.

Nice Guys are wimps. This may not sound like a nice thing to say, but it's true. Nice Guys tend to be wimpy victims because their life paradigm and childhood survival mechanisms require them to sacrifice their personal power.

In attempt to cope with the uncertainty of their chaotic childhood, Nice Guys developed a belief system that if they could just do everything right, then everything would go right in their lives

By approaching adult situations with survival mechanisms that were formed when they were naive and powerless, they are insured of having very little success in creating anything that resembles stability in their lives.

Breaking Free Activity #17 Look over the following list of ways Nice Guys try to create a smooth, problem-free life. Write down an example of how you used each coping mechanism in childhood. Then, next to each, give an example of how you use this strategy to try to control your world in adulthood. Note how each of these behaviors keeps you feeling like a powerless victim. Share this information with a safe person. •Doing it right. •Playing it safe. •Anticipating and fixing. •Trying not to rock the boat. •Being charming and helpful. •Never being a moment's problem.

•Using covert contracts. •Controlling and manipulating. •Caretaking and pleasing. •Withholding information. •Repressing feelings. •Making sure other people don't have feelings. •Avoiding problems and difficult situations.

I define personal power as a state of mind in which a person is confident he can handle whatever may come. This kind of power not only successfully deals with problems, challenges and adversity, it actually welcomes them, meets them head on, and is thankful for them.

Personal power isn't the absence of fear. Even the most powerful people have fear. Personal power is the result of feeling fear, but not giving in to the fear.

There is a solution to the helplessness and vulnerability Nice Guys feel. Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome allows Nice Guys to embrace the personal power that is their birthright. Reclaiming personal power includes: •Surrendering. •Dwelling in reality. ...

•Setting bou...

Ironically, the most important aspect of reclaiming personal power and getting what one wants in love and life is surrender. Surrender doesn't mean giving up, it means letting go of what one can't change and changing what one can.

Letting go doesn't mean not caring or not trying. Letting go means letting be. It is like opening up a tightly clenched fist and releasing the tension stored inside.

At first the fingers will want to return to their former clenched position. The hand almost has to be retrained to open up and relax. So it is wi...

Surrender allows recovering Nice Guys to let go and respond to life's complex beauty, rather...

Surrender allows recovering Nice Guys to see each life experience as a "gift" from the universe to stimulate growth, healing and learning. Instead of asking, "Why is this happening to me?" the recovering Nice Guy can respond to life's challenges by pondering, "What do I need to learn from this situation?"

Breaking Free Activity #18 Think about one "gift" from the universe which you initially resisted but can now be seen as a positive stimulus for growth or discovery. Are there any similar gifts in your life right now to which you need to surrender? Share this information with a safe person.

Nice Guys try to control their world by creating belief systems about people and situations that are not based in reality. They then act as if these beliefs are accurate. This is why their behavior often seems illogical to outside observers.

Breaking Free Activity #19 Pick one area in your life in which you routinely feel frustrated or out of control. Step back from the situation. Is the difficulty you are having with the situation the result of you trying to project the reality you want to believe onto it? If you had to accept the reality of this situation, how might you change your response to it?

Nice Guys are terrified of two kinds of feelings — their own and everyone else's. Any kind of intensity causes Nice Guys to feel out of control. As children, feeling things intensely invited either negative attention or no attention at all.

I frequently hear Nice Guys rationalize the withholding of their feelings by claiming they don't want to hurt anyone. The truth is they are covering their own butts. What they are really saying is that they don't want to do anything that might recreate their childhood experiences. They're really not trying to protect anyone from harm, they're just trying to keep their world smooth and under control.

"Your feelings are just feelings, they won't kill you." Regardless of whether a Nice Guy is feeling anxious, helpless, shameful, lonely, rageful, or sad, his feelings aren't life-threatening.

The goal of teaching Nice Guys to embrace their feelings is not to make them soft and "touchy-feely." Men who are in touch with their feelings...

Feelings are an integral part of human existence. By learning the language of feelings, recovering Nice Guys can begin to let go of a lifetime of unnecessary baggage. As they do, they experience a newfound energy, optimism, intimacy, and zest for life.

Breaking Free Activity #20 Some guidelines about expressing feelings. •Don't focus on the other person, "You are making me mad." Instead, take responsibility for what you are feeling: "I am feeling angry."

•Don't use feeling words to describe what you are thinking, as in "I feel like Joe was trying to take advantage of me." Instead, pay attention to what you are experiencing in your body: "I'm feeling helpless and frightened." •In general, try to begin feeling statements with "I", rather than "you." Try to avoid the crutch of saying "I feel like." As in "I feel likeyou are being mean to me."

For Nice Guys, fear is recorded at the cellular level. It is a memory of every seemingly life-threatening experience they ever had. It was born of a time of absolute dependency and helplessness. It originated in not having their needs met in a timely, judicious manner. It was fostered by fearful systems that discouraged risk and rewarded conservatism. It was heightened by the reality that life is messy and chaotic and any kind of change promises a journey into the unknown. I call this kind of fear, Memory Fear.

Because of the memory fear created in childhood, Nice Guys still approach the world as if it is dangerous and overpowering. To cope with these realities, Nice Guys typically hunker down and play it safe.

As a consequence of playing it safe, Nice Guys experience a lot of needless suffering. Suffering because they avoid new situations. Suffering because they stay with the familiar. Suffering because they procrastinate, avoid, and fail to finish what they start. Suffering because they make a bad situation worse by doing more of what has never worked in ...

As we explored the memory fear from his childhood, he came to realize that any mistakes he made as a child seemed to have everlasting consequences. He believed the same would be true in his present situation.

Facing present day fears is the only way to overcome memory fear. Every time the Nice Guy confronts a fear, he unconsciously creates a belief that he can handle whatever it is he is afraid of.

As these things seem less frightening, he feels more confident in confronting them. The more this confidence grows, the less threatening life seems.

Breaking Free Activity #21