No More Mr. Nice Guy

by Robert A. Glover

Nice Guy's mistakes and "badness." The Nice Guy is most likely to go into the DEER Response when he has done something or failed to do something, and someone (usually wife, partner, or boss) confronts him and expresses his or her feelings.

Turning The Tables If someone gets angry at a Nice Guy or points out some flaw or mistake, his shame will be triggered. In an attempt to distract himself and the other person from his "badness" he may try to turn the tables and do something to trigger the other person's shame. I call this shame dumping. This unconscious strategy is based on the belief that if the Nice Guy can shift the focus to the other person's badness, he can slip out of the spotlight. Typi...

Walls Nice Guys build walls that prevent others from getting too close. Understandably, this affects their ability to be intimate, but it also protects them from the consequences of being found out. These walls might include: Addictions (food, sex, t.v., alcohol, work...

Teflon Men As much as Nice Guys try to look good and get people to like them, the above defenses keep people at arm's length. Like most Nice Guy patterns, these unconscious behaviors actually accomplish the exact opposite of what the Nice Guy really craves. While desiring love and connection, his behaviors serve as an invisible force field that keeps people from being able to get close to him. Nice Guys have a difficult time comprehending that in general, people are not drawn to perfection in others. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual's life energy. Humans connect with humans. Hiding one's humanity and trying to project an image of perfection makes a person vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting. I often refer to Nice Guys as Teflon Men. They work so hard to be smooth, nothi...

Breaking Free Activity #7 Do you believe that people can see your human imperfections and still love you? How would you be different if you knew the people who care about you would never leave y...

Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome involves changing core paradigms. Instead of seeking external validation and avoiding disapproval, recovering Nice Guys must begin seeking the approval of the only person who really matters — themselves. Ironically, when Nice Guys begin focusing on pleasing themselves, they actually begin to experience the intimacy and connection with others that they have always desperately craved. To help facilitate this recovery process, Nice Guys can: •Identify how they seek approval. •Take good care of them...

Identifying Approval-Seeking Behavior Helps Nice Guys Learn To A...

As odd as it may sound, Nice Guys have to practice being themselves. One way to begin this process is to pay attention when trying to impress or get approval. Recovering Nice Guys can observe themselves spending extra time on their hair, holding the door open for someone, cleaning the kitch...

As they become aware of how much time and energy they spend trying to garner approval, they can begin living an inside-out kind of life. This means, rather than focusing outward for acceptance and approval, they turn inward. In doing so, they can begin asking themselves the important quest...

Breaking Free Activity #8 Go back to the list of approval-seeking behaviors at the beginning of this chapter. Choose one of the ways you try to get external validation and do one of the following: 1) Go on a moratorium from this behavior. Set a period of time to stop doing it. Tell the people around you what you are doing. If you slip, tell a safe person about it. Use the slip as information about why, in that particular moment, you felt the need to get external approval. 2) Consciously do moreof this behavior. This may not make logical sense, but it is a powerful way to explore any dysfunctional behavior. Observe how you feel when you consciously try harder to get external validation.

Taking Good Care of the Self Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves

Below are a few possibilities: •Exercise, work out, go for a walk. •Eat healthy food. •Get enough sleep. •Relax, play, goof off. •Get a massage. •Go out with buddies. •Buy a new pair of shoes. •Get shoes polished. •Get dental work done. •Get a physical. •Listen to music.

When the Nice Guy does something good for himself he is doing something that implies he is valuable. This will conflict with his deeply held belief that he is worthless. As a result, he will experience dissonance — a clashing of two competing messages. In time, one of the beliefs will win. I encourage recovering Nice Guys to keep being good to themselves, no matter how frightening. In time the core messages from childhood are replaced with new, more accurate beliefs that reflect their inherent worth.

Breaking Free Activity #9 Begin with the list above and add good things that you can do for yourself. Put the list up where you will see it and choose at least one thing per day and do it for yourself.

Affirming Self Helps Nice Guys Learn To Approve Of Themselves Positive affirmations can help change the Nice Guy's core belief about himself. Affirmations replace old, inaccurate messages about the Nice Guy's worth with new, more realistic ones. When used alone, the affects of affirmations are usually short-lived. This is because these messages are contrary to the oldest, deepest beliefs the Nice Guy holds about himself. Affirmations are only effective when used along with other processes that help change the Nice Guy's core beliefs.

Breaking Free Activity #10 Make a list of positive affirmations about yourself. Write them on note cards and place them where you will see them regularly. Change the cards often so they stay fresh. When you read affirmations, close your eyes and fully embrace the meaning of the words. Observe any tendency of your mind to reject the affirmations in favor of old, deeply held beliefs. The following are some possible affirmations: "I am lovable just as I am." "I am perfectly imperfect." "My needs are important." "I am a strong and powerful person

"I can handle it." "People love and accept me just as I am." "It is OK to be human and make mistakes." "I am th...

When the Nice Guy discovers that spending time alone doesn't kill him, he may also realize that he doesn't have to stay in bad relationships, tolerate intolerable behavior, or manipulate people to try to get his needs met.

This time alone is spent most effectively when the Nice Guy can observe his tendency to distract himself with addictive patterns such as keeping busy, or using sex, food, or alcohol to medicate.

Breaking Free Activity #11 Plan a weekend trip to the mountains or beach. If possible, plan a vacation or retreat for a week or longer by yourself to a place where no one knows you. Visit a foreign country by yourself if at all possible. Use this time as an opportunity for self-observation and reflection. Keep a journal. Practice good self-care. Take along this book and spend time doing the Breaking Free exercises. When you return home, observe how you are different and how long it takes for you to begin returning to familiar patterns.

When Nice Guys try to hide their humanity from others, they reinforce their core belief that they are bad and unlovable.

self. The recovering Nice Guy cannot do this part alone. Safe people are essential for reversing the distorted beliefs all Nice Guys have about their worth.

the recovering Nice Guy set a regular time to meet with his safe person or group, and a little at a time, start revealing himself. This process begins by just talking about himself. This in itself makes many Nice Guys uncomfortable. Over time, the recovering Nice Guy can begin revealing the things about himself that he is the least comfortable letting others see.

As recovering Nice Guys release their toxic shame and start seeking their own approval, they begin to realize several important truths. •They are not bad. •They don't have to do anything to win other people's approval. •They don't have to hide their perceived flaws or mistakes. •People can love them just as they are.

As recovering Nice Guys begin to apply the principles described in this chapter they can embrace the reality that they are human. Like every other human, Nice Guys make mistakes, use poor judgment, and act inappropriately. Nevertheless, their humanity doesn't make them bad or unlovable nor does it cause other people to stop loving them.

Imperfect humans can only connect with other imperfect humans. Most folks tend to be attracted to individuals who have...

By learning to approve of themselves, they begin to radiate a life energy and charisma that draws people to them. As Nice Guys stop seeking approval and stop trying to hide their perceived flaws, they open a door to start getting what they really want in love and life.

This ubiquitous pattern among Nice Guys is the result of childhood conditioning. When a child's needs are not met in a timely, healthy manner, the child may come to believe he is "bad" for having needs. He may also think that it is his needs that cause people to hurt him or abandon him. Typically Nice Guys respond to these inaccurate interpretations of their life events by developing a number of survival mechanisms. •Trying to appear needless and wantless. •Making it difficult for others to give to them. •Using "covert contracts." •Caretaking — focusing attention on other people's needs.

trying to become needless and wantless was a primary way of trying to cope with their childhood abandonment experiences. Since it was

when they had the most needs that they felt the most abandoned, they believed it was their needs that drove people away.

These helpless little boys concluded that if they could eliminate or hide all of their needs, the...

They also convinced themselves that if they didn't have needs, it wouldn't hurt so bad when the needs weren't met. Not only did they learn early not to expect to get their needs met, but also that their very s...

As a result of these childhood survival mechanisms, Nice Guys often believe it is a virtue to have few needs or wants. Beneath this facade of needlessness and wantlessness, all Nice Guys are actually extremely needy. Consequently, when they go about trying to get their needs met, Nice Guys are frequently indirect, unclear, manipulative, and controlling.

Nice Guys carry out this unconscious agenda by connecting with needy or unavailable people, operating from an unspoken agenda, being unclear and indirect, pushing people away, and sabotaging.

Breaking Free Activity #12 Do you believe it is OK for you to have needs? Do you believe people want to help you meet your needs? Do you believe this world is a place of abundance?

All Nice Guys are faced with a dilemma: How can they keep the fact that they have needs hidden, yet still create situations in which they have some hope of getting their needs met?

The Nice Guy's covert contract is simply this: 1) I will do this __ (fill in the blank) for you, so that 2) You will do this __ (fill in the blank) for me. 3) We will both act as if we have no awareness of this contract.

This is an example of a covert contract in which a person gives to get. Giving "I love yous" to get "I love you toos" in return is the basic way Nice Guys go about trying to get all of their needs met. There is nothing wrong with asking your partner to tell you she loves you, but telling her "I love you" first to get an "I love you too" in return is indirect, unclear, and manipulative.

Breaking Free Activity #13 Identify at least one covert contract between you and a significant other. What do you give? What do you expect in return? Share this information with the other person. Ask the person how it feels to respond to an unclear agenda.

Nice Guys believe their caretaking is fundamentally loving and is one of the things that makes them good people.

caretaking has nothing to do with being loving or good. Caretaking is an immature and indirect attempt to try to get one's needs met. Caretaking always consists of two parts: 1) Focusing on another's problems, needs, or feelings in order to 2) Feel valuable, get one's own needs met, or to avoid dealing with one's own problems or feelings.

As is true for most Nice Guys, no matter how much he gave to others, Reese never felt like he got as much back in return.

Though Nice Guys see everything they do for others as loving, caretaking has very little to do with caring. Here are the differences: Caretaking Caring 1)Gives to others what the giver needs to give. 1)Gives to others what the receiver needs. 2)Comes from a place of emptiness within the giver. 2)Comes from a place of abundance within the giver. 3)Always has unconscious strings attached. 3)Has no strings attached.

surprises. They will encourage their partner to take a day off, buy a new outfit, go to the doctor, take a trip, quit a job, go back to school — yet would not give themselves permission to do any of the same things.

Breaking Free Activity #14 Identify two or three examples of your caretaking behavior. In order to stimulate awareness of your caretaking, do one of the following for a period of one week:

1) Go on a caretaking moratorium. Because Nice Guys have a difficult time differentiating between caring and caretaking, stop giving completely (except to young, dependent children). Tell people what you are doing so they won't be confused. Observe your feelings and other people's reactions. 2) Consciously try to caretake more than you already do. As odd as this assignment may sound, it is a very effective way to c...

Rather than helping Nice Guys meet their needs, covert contracts and caretaking only lead to frustration and resentment. When this frustration and resentment builds long enough, it often spills out in some not so pretty ways.

Giving to get creates a cycle of craziness called the victim triangle. The victim triangle consists of three predictable sequences: 1) The Nice Guy gives to others hoping to get something in return. 2) When it doesn't seem that he is getting as much as he gives or he isn't getting what he expected, he feels frustrated and resentful. Remember, the Nice Guy is the one keeping score and he isn't totally objective. 3) When this frustration and resentment builds up long enough, it spills out in the form of rage attacks, passive-aggressive behavior, pouting, tantrums, withdrawing, shaming, criticizing, blaming, even physical abuse. Once the cycle has been completed, it usually just begins all over again.

My wife refers to these episodes as...

Sometimes the victim puke will take a more passive-aggressive form in which the Nice Guy will have an affair or act out in some hidden way. All the while the person doing the puking will feel justified because of the many ways he has been victimized. These victim...