The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

by Brené Brown

How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a Wholehearted life: loving ourselves.

Knowledge is important, but only if we’re being kind and gentle with ourselves as we work to discover who we are.

The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are.

I learned how to worry more about how I felt and less about “what people might think.”

We never really arrive, but we certainly know that we’re heading in the right direction.

Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness.

No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.

Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.

courage, compassion, and connection become gifts—the gifts of imperfection.

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

Practicing courage, compassion, and connection in our daily lives is how we cultivate worthiness.

The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story.

Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line.

asking for what you need is one of the bravest things that you’ll ever do.

I also see courage in myself when I’m willing to risk being vulnerable and disappointed.

I’ve learned that playing down the exciting stuff doesn’t take the pain away when it doesn’t happen. It does, however, minimize the joy when it does happen. It also creates a lot of isolation. Once you’ve diminished the importance of something, your friends are not likely to call and say, “I’m sorry that didn’t work out. I know you were excited about it.”

Every time we choose courage, we make everyone around us a little better and the world a little braver. And our world could stand to be a little kinder and braver.

“When we practice generating compassion, we can expect to experience the fear of our pain. Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us.”2

The word compassion is derived from the Latin words pati and cum, meaning “to suffer with.”

we must be honest and forgiving about when and how we shut down:

Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others.

Compassionate people are boundaried people.

The heart of compassion is really acceptance. The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become. Well, it’s difficult to accept people when they are hurting us or taking advantage of us or walking all over us. This research has taught me that if we really want to practice compassion, we have to start by setting boundaries and holding people accountable for their behavior.

Shaming and blaming without accountability is toxic

when we shame and blame, it moves the focus from the original behavior in question to our own behavior.

if we don’t follow through with appropriate consequences, people learn to dismiss our requests—even if they sound like threats or ultimatums.

The key is to separate people from their behaviors—to address what they’re doing, not who they are

I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.

we are wired for connection.

the connectedness we experience in our relationships impacts the way our brain develops and performs.

Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.

I gained permission to fall apart and be imperfect, and they could share their strength and incredible wisdom with me.

The willingness to tell our stories, feel the pain of others, and stay genuinely connected in this disconnected world is not something we can do halfheartedly. To practice courage, compassion, and connection is to look at life and the people around us, and say, “I’m all in.”

If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.

When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness—the feeling that we are enough just as we are and that we are worthy of love and belonging.

we are worthy now, right this minute. Worthiness doesn’t have prerequisites.

Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging now. Right this minute. As is.

Shame and love are grounded in vulnerability and tenderness.

Love and belonging will always be uncertain.

Love belongs with belonging.

A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible need of all women, men, and children. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong.

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them—we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.

Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

Practicing self-love means learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect, and to be kind and affectionate toward ourselves.

We can only belong when we offer our most authentic selves and when we’re embraced for who we are.

To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility.

I don’t just want someone who says they love me; I want someone who practices that love for me every day.”

“Don’t we need to talk about the hard things? Doesn’t talking always make it better?”

If we really want to live a joyful, connected, and meaningful life, we must talk about things that get in the way.

If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way—especially shame, fear, and vulnerability.