The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

by Brené Brown

Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable—it’s the total opposite of owning our story and feeling worthy.

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.1

To feel shame is to be human.

Shame needs three things to grow out of control in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment.

Guilt = I did something bad. Shame = I am bad.

Shame is about who we are, and guilt is about our behaviors.

When we apologize for something we’ve done, make amends to others, or change a behavior that we don’t feel good about, guilt is most often the motivator.

If we want to live fully, without the constant fear of not being enough, we have to own our story.

You must first be who you really are, then do what you really need to do, in order to have what you want.

Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.

Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.

“Staying real” is one of the most courageous battles that we’ll ever fight.

Sometimes choosing being real over being liked is all about playing it unsafe.

As we struggle to be authentic and brave, it’s important to remember that cruelty always hurts, even if the criticisms are untrue.

Courage is telling our story, not being immune to criticism. Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.

Sacrificing who we are for the sake of what other people think just isn’t worth it.

When I let go of trying to be everything to everyone, I had much more time, attention, love, and connection for the important people in my life.

Get Deliberate: Whenever I’m faced with a vulnerable situation, I get deliberate with my intentions

remember not to get small so other people are comfortable and not to throw up my armor as a way to protect myself.

Get Inspired:

Courage is contagious.

“You have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs.”

Get Going:

If the goal is authenticity and they don’t like me, I’m okay. If the goal is being liked and they don’t like me, I’m in trouble. I get going by making authenticity the priority.

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.

Healthy striving is self-focused—How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused—What will they think?

When we become more loving and compassionate with ourselves and we begin to practice shame resilience, we can embrace our imperfections.

First, they spoke about their imperfections in a tender and honest way, and without shame and fear. Second, they were slow to judge themselves and others.

A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.

Self-kindness: Being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate,

Common humanity: Common humanity recognizes that suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience

Mindfulness: Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated.

When we’re kind to ourselves, we create a reservoir of compassion that we can extend to others.

“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”

they are reminders that we’re all in this together. Imperfectly, but together.

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful.

In very simple terms, hope happens when We have the ability to set realistic goals (I know where I want to go). We are able to figure out how to achieve those goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative routes (I know how to get there, I’m persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment and try again). We believe in ourselves (I can do this!).

If we want to cultivate hopefulness, we have to be willing to be flexible and demonstrate perseverance.

Entitlement is “I deserve this just because I want it” and agency is “I know I can do this.”

power as the ability to effect change.

know how to reality-check what we see. We need to be able to ask and answer these questions:

Is what I’m seeing real? Do these images convey real life or fantasy? Do these images reflect healthy, Wholehearted living, or do they turn my life, my body, my family, and my relationships into objects and commodities? Who benefits by my seeing these images and feeling bad about myself? Hint: This is ALWAYS about money and/or control.

trying to feel the feelings, staying mindful about numbing behaviors, and trying to lean into the discomfort of hard emotions.

When we lose our tolerance for discomfort, we lose joy.

Joy is a light that fills you with hope and faith and love.

Happiness is tied to circumstance and joyfulness is tied to spirit and gratitude.

I believe a joyful life is made up of joyful moments gracefully strung together by trust, gratitude, inspiration, and faith.

The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.

Once we let go of scarcity, we discover the surprising truth of sufficiency.

knowing that there is enough, and that we are enough.