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Because I’m starting to think this isn’t just sex. There’s friendship between us. Trust. Asher’s vulnerability and the swelling feeling that hits deep in my chest whenever he passes some stupid quiz. Uh-oh. No … Nope. That … that sounds suspiciously like feelings.
Kisses and no sex equals a relationship, and Asher’s made it clear that’s not what he wants.
The truth is, Dad’s disappointment isn’t something I can control. When it comes to important things, things that are worth standing up for—like being attracted to men, and quitting hockey—I’ll risk disappointing him all day long. I’m not going to be miserable to please him.
These emotions are my problem to deal with. Asher’s had enough for one day.
“I know today was hard, but I’m glad it happened. That you trusted me and then West. That you finally let go of some of that pain.” And this part might be pushing it a little, but it needs to be said. “And if nothing else, I want you to remember this, not because I said it, but because it’s true. You are never a waste.”
“Kole … are you two exclusive?” I open my mouth to say no, but if he’s not sleeping with anyone else, and I’m not sleeping with anyone else … “Not officially.”
“You want my brutally honest advice?” “Always.” “You’re both fucked.”
But when a week goes by and I realize I haven’t even kissed him in that time, let alone had a chance to talk to him other than passing greetings, I begin to think it’s more than that. I probably scared him off with all the sobbing. Tears are a sex repellent. This is why you should never show emotion.
Yep, this is definitely the blow-off speech. It shouldn’t get to me, but it does. Kole’s obviously realized he can do a lot better than someone like me. Someone who he can’t have a future with. Who isn’t worth disappointing his father over. And whoa, apparently I’m thinking of further ahead than the next away game.
Kole laughs. “No, this isn’t because you cried over your parents’ death. I mean, you’re a monster for it, of course, but it … it’s not why I …” He swallows, and his Adam’s apple bounces.
This whole kissing when we’re not studying and sharing a bed after sex … it … it blurs lines.” Holy shit. Holy. Shit. “Is Mr. It’s Impossible to Fall For You Because You’re A Stupid Jock catching feelings?” I can’t stop the smile from taking over because the idea of that? My heart wants to damn explode.
I sing. “I think you like me.” I add a little dance in there too. “You really like me.”
“Dude, I thought you were smart. You’re stupid if you have feelings for me.” Kole sighs and folds his arms. “Are you done yet?” “No.
“Asher—” “Go out with me,” I say. He steps back again. “What?” “Date me.” “You’re not the dating type.” “Hey, I’ve dated a lot of people before. I’ve even had a girlfriend.” I mockingly gasp.
“Dating you would be detrimental for my health.” “Went to the doctor a few weeks back, actually. All negative. So …” Kole grunts. “That’s not what I meant, at all.”
I like him too. There has never been anyone in my life I’ve let in like I have Kole.
Last year, I made friends with Cohen, but we never talked about real shit. I would purposefully make him uncomfortable by being blasé about everything wrong with my life because I could make offhanded comments and not think about it too deeply.
“What will it take for you to drop this?” Easy. “A date.” “Oh, sure, when should we schedule that in? After practice, during midterms, at an away game, or when you’re looking after five minors?” “Hmm …” I tap my chin. “How about now?” Kole’s sexy mouth opens and then closes just as fast.
“Hmm, which McDonald’s do you think is more romantic? The one in Colchester or South Burlington?” Kole pauses and glares at me. “That was a joke. Geez. Calm down. Five Guys is much better. And you can say things like ‘Five Guys filled me up, and now I can’t even walk.’”
Little does he know I’m messing with him. Prepare to be wooed, Kole Hogan. I’m bringing out the big guns.
I have committed the ultimate friends-with-benefits crime. I’m not just falling for the guy. I’ve fallen. And now I have to hope it doesn’t freak him out completely.
“Wendy’s?” I ask through a grin. “Only the best for you.” “Well, it’s not McDonald’s.” “No, this is way classier.”
“This isn’t our date, by the way,” he says around a mouthful of burger. Joke’s on him though, because I really don’t care what we do together.
Then I check that Asher isn’t watching and add, Might stay at Katey’s tonight, I’ll let you know. Because even though there’s no way I’d be getting sex at Asher’s, and we’d have to stay fully clothed, the idea of stretching out beside him is an addictive one, and if this date goes well, that’s where I want to end up.
I’ve been here too many times.” Way to make a guy feel special, Asher. “With that girlfriend you mentioned?” “With my parents.”
He waits for me on the footpath, and as soon as I reach him, he takes my hand. I squeeze it. I can’t stop smiling.
“You’re not going to start crying on me again, are you?” “Well, now I know how much it turns you on …” He pretends to sniff, and his lip quivers. I punch him in the arm. “You’re an idiot.” “Well, you bring out the best in me.”
That’s true. It’s always hilarious seeing his face when he unwraps the ugly matching Christmas sweaters Mom buys us. By this point, I think she does it to screw with him.
“Do you think Santa’s fucking that reindeer by choice?” Asher asks.
“Well, I figured if I wanted a second date, I had to emotionally manipulate you into it, so—” “Nope.” I pinch his cold nose. “No joking it off. This meant a lot.” “Shut up.”
“Admit it. You sort of like it.” “I like you.” He looks me straight in the eyes as he says it, and my heart gives this weird jitter. “And I’ll never say you make this shit easier because eww, emotion, but sometimes it’s maybe sort of cool the way I don’t have to think about who I should be when I’m around you.”
If he agrees with my suggestion of staying at his place tonight, I’m going to need to get off before sleeping next to … well, all that.
“You’re so fucking gorgeous,” he murmurs against my skin. “And you’re mine. All mine.”
“Kole …” He cards his fingers through my hair and tugs me up to look at him. A weighted silence passes between us before he whispers one word. “Mine …” I nod. “I’m yours.”
“You’re coming back to my house,” I say on the way home. “Kidnapping is a crime.”
“I was kind of hoping now we’re boyfriends, the studying in exchange for sex would stop.”
“You really meant it, then? What you said in the back seat? I’m yours? That wasn’t some post-sex rambling?” “Not at all. I called you my boyfriend, didn’t I?”
“Hmm, I dunno. I might need West there to protect me when your dad finds out. Actually, I might need all of my siblings.” “You think the nine-year-old twins can take my dad?” I scoff. “Ben and Em could take him by themselves. You should see the shit they do to each other. I’m surprised neither has landed in the hospital yet with the way they fight.”
“Aww, my precious little only child.” I pat his head. “You’ll learn.”
“Bennett, Emmett, why aren’t you in bed yet?” I bark. They’re in their pajamas at least, so that’s something.
“West isn’t here,” Zoe calls out from the kitchen. “I told them to go to bed, but they don’t listen to me.” “Where’s the babysitter?” I ask. “West came home and told her to leave. Then he burned dinner, ordered pizza, told me to watch the kids and … disappeared.” Zoe looks panicked.
“That’s all right with me, but … I just want to do something first.” “What?” He steps closer to me and wraps his arms around me. “I thought you might need a hug.”
“You’re twenty-one—” “Almost twenty-two.” “Still, you’re way too young for this kind of responsibility.
“Thank you.” I pause and look over my shoulder. “Thank you?” “You’re the only one who’s honest with me.”
“Is this what having a boyfriend is like? No sex and dealing with whiny kids?” I lead Kole to the stairs that go down to the basement. Kole chuckles. “Sounds like marriage, actually.”
“Been together for a few hours and we’re already talking marriage? Might want to slow down there.” Kole shoves me. “Definitely no marriage. Ever.” That surprises me. “Ever?” I ask as we climb into bed and he snuggles into my side. “It’s not my thing.”
If someone does something you don’t like, you lash out and hurt them in ways that actually scare me. First Ezra and now Kole? You’d put my job on the line just to get at me? What is wrong with you?”
“I knew you were more pissed off about Ezra than you let on. That was a mistake.” “Sure it was. It wasn’t at all to piss me off because he and I …”
West gives me his are you fucking kidding me look. “Nooooo. You and Ezra? He’s your best friend. And since when? No. No, no, no, no, no, and eww. I need to wash my dick.”
“You and Ezra? Why didn’t you say anything?”
Why didn’t HE say anything? Why didn’t EZRA say anything?!?!
