How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

by David Brooks

“People often haven’t had anyone tell them about themselves,” he responded.

“People love to do the thing they are wired to do,”

A person can go a long way with a narrow skill set.

“spirit of gene...

into talking about their personal life.

“People answer better with narrative.

“The only thing you can be certain about every person is that nobody escapes high school.

questioners.

The average child asks about forty thousand questions between the ages of two and five.

us. Asking good questions can be a weirdly vulnerable activity.

know. An insecure, self-protective world is a world with fewer questions.

While I’ve been on this journey of discovery, I’ve begun to pay close attention to which people are ques...

Sometimes a broad, dumb question is better than a smart question, especially one meant to display how well-informed you are.

posture of humility.

perspective taking is untrustworthy, but perspective receiving works quite well.

If I’m going to get to know you, it’s not because I have the magical ability to peer into your soul; it’s because I have the skill of asking the sorts of questions that will give you a chance to tell me about who you are.

worst kinds of questions

evaluate:

They imply, “I’m about to ...

Closed questions are also bad...

A third sure way to shut down conversations is to ask vague questions,

Humble questions are open-ended.

a mutual exploration.

big questions.

it’s possible to have a truly memorable dinner if someone asks a big question.

he was asking, “What is the best way to grow old?”

Big questions interrupt the daily routines people fall into and prompt them to step back and see their life from a distance.

“What crossroads are you at?”

“What is the no, or refusal, you keep postponing?…What

We too often think that deep conversations have to be painful or vulnerable conversations.

I’ve found in almost all cases that people are too shy about asking questions, not too aggressive. People are a lot more eager to have deep conversations than you think.

never.” People are longing to be asked questions about who they are.

“They always talk. Why? Because no one has ever listened to them before in all their lives. Perhaps they’ve not ever even listened to themselves.”

Each person is a mystery. And when you are surrounded by mysteries, as the saying goes, it’s best to live life in the form of a question.

We live in an environment in which political animosities, technological dehumanization, and social breakdown undermine connection, strain friendships, erase intimacy, and foster distrust.

vast emotional, relational, and spiritual crisis.

culture that can be brutalizing and isolating.

Depression rates have been surging

We have all encountered this loneliness, sadness, and anxiety in the course of our daily lives.

The thing we need most is relationships. The thing we seem to suck at most is relationships.

When people feel unseen, they tend to shut down socially.

and when we feel invisible, well, we have a tendency to fall to pieces.

“Knowing that we are seen and heard by the important people in our lives can make us feel calm and safe,

Sadness, lack of recognition, and loneliness turn into bitterness.

Loneliness thus leads to meanness.

Low-trust societies fall apart.

In our society, we confer huge amounts of recognition on those with beauty, wealth, or prestigious educational affiliations, and millions feel invisible, unrecognized, and left out.

Institute, lonely people are seven times more likely than non-lonely people to say they are active in politics.

Politics seems to offer a sense of belonging. I am on the barricades with the other members of my tribe.

Politics seems to offer an arena of moral action. To be moral in this world, you don’t have to feed the hungry or sit with the widow. You just have to be liberal or conservative, you just have to feel properly enraged at the people you find contemptible.