How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

by David Brooks

me. Quality conversation is the essence of this approach.

ask: What are the experiences and beliefs that cause you to see it that way?

you? You seem to have it all, and yet you are insecure. Why is that?

As we have these conversations, we’re becoming more aware of the models we use to construct reality. We’re getting to know each other better. We’re also getting to know ourselves better.

Robert Kegan has observed, what the eye sees more deeply the heart tends to love more tenderly.

George Bernard Shaw got it right: “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

a park bench is nice.

having a conversation.

You have to have a conversation.

be “The Art of Hearing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Heard.” Because getting to know someone else is usually more about talking and listening than about seeing.

Being a mediocre conversationalist is easy. Being a good conversationalist is hard.

conversationalist. A good conversationalist is a master of fostering a two-way exchange.

good conversationalist is capable of leading people on a mutual expedition toward understanding.

Such guests would leave walking on air.

A good conversation is not a group of people making a series of statements at each other. (In fact, that’s a bad

conversation.) A good conversation is an act of j...

A good conversation sparks you to have thoughts you never had before.

He doesn’t realize that our call dropped ten minutes ago. He’s just blathering on!”

bore bombs—people

skills, I’m probably like everybody else: I think I’m better than I am.

the nonobvious ways to become a better conversationalist:

TREAT ATTENTION AS AN ON/OFF SWITCH, NOT A DIMMER.

SLANT

sit up, lean forward, ask questions, nod your head, track the speaker. Listen with your eyes. That’s paying attention 100 percent.

BE A LOUD LISTENER.

Everyone in a conversation is facing an internal conflict between self-expression and self-inhibition.

inhibited. Active listening, on the other hand, is an invitation to express.

FAVOR FAMILIARITY.

MAKE THEM AUTHORS, NOT WITNESSES.

will ask how you’re experiencing now what you experienced then.

DON’T FEAR THE PAUSE.

because speaking and listening involve many of the same brain areas,

so once you go into response mode, your ability to listen deteriorates.

controls her impatience and listens to learn, rather...

talking. Taking that extra breath creates space for reflection.

eight-second pauses between one comment and another, roughly twice as long as Americans generally tolerate. They’re wise to take that pause.

DO THE LOOPING.

Looping forces you to listen more carefully.

So I try to do it, but in a less formal way.

THE MIDWIFE MODEL.

creation. In conversation, a midwife is there not to lead with insights but to receive and build on the insights the other person is developing.

Sometimes we can’t understand personal truths until we hear ourselves say them.

KEEP THE GEM STATEMENT AT THE CENTER.

FIND THE DISAGREEMENT UNDER THE DISAGREEMENT.

What is the values disagreement underneath our practical disagreement?”

“Being curious about your friend’s experience is more important than being right.”

DON’T BE A TOPPER.

try sitting with their experience before you start ladling out your own.

“The experience of being listened to all the way on something—until your meaning is completely clear to another human being—is extremely rare in life.”

David’s questions helped me get distance from a problem I was too immersed in to see.