How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

by David Brooks

The knowledge that results from your encounter with a wise person is personal and contextual,

We all know people who are smart. But that doesn’t mean they are wise.

Out of your own moments of suffering, struggle, friendship, intimacy, and joy comes a compassionate awareness of how other people feel—their

The wise are those who have lived full, varied lives, and reflected deeply on what they’ve been through.

Let me close this book with four more cases in which one human being saw deeply into another human being. I think we have a few more things to learn about this skill from these examples.

Tracy Kidder,

The key is to listen, to be attentive, to be patient and not interrupt.

Kidder didn’t merely interview Deo; he accompanied him to the places where his story played out.

I’ve tried to learn from Kidder to be more patiently attentive.

The second case study involves Lori Gottlieb,

particularly, the ability to be generous about human frailty, to be patient and let others emerge at their own pace—but it also illuminates the mental toughness that is sometimes required.

Henri Nouwen

Will beyond an impersonal way of knowing, a catalog of facts, which Will has mastered and uses as a defensive fortress.

The therapist is prodding Will toward a personal way of knowing, the kind of knowledge that is earned only by those willing to take emotional risks, to open themselves up to people and experiences and fully feel what those people and experiences are about.

Critiquing with care works best when that naming happens within a context of unconditional regard,

This is what our friends do for us.

He cannot unlock them himself, he cannot discover them; friends alone can stimulate him and open them.” —

they started with a relationship.

Wisdom is a social skill practiced within a relationship or a system of relationships.

Wisdom is practiced when people come together to form what Parker Palmer called a “community of truth.”

When we are in a community of truth, we’re trying on each other’s perspectives. We’re taking journeys into each other’s minds.

Let’s say you’re in a book club.

important. It’s knowledge about the club. It’s each member’s awareness of the dynamics of the group,

There are magical moments in a community of truth, when people deeply talk with crystalline honesty and respect.

That was a guy who was truly seen.

By now you’d think I’d be a regular old Sigmund Freud. I’ve spent several years thinking about the problem of how to see others deeply and be deeply seen. You’d think that by now I’d be able to walk into a room and pierce into people’s souls with my eyes.

You’d think I had the ability to burst forth with earthshaking insights about who they really are. You’d think I’d glide through parties as a brilliant Illuminator, leaving all those Diminishers feeling inferior and ashamed. But if I were to honestly assess how much I’ve mastered the skills I’ve described in this book, I would have to say: A lot of progress has been made, but there’s still a lot of work yet to be done.

After this one day’s encounters, I realized that I have to work on my ability to spot the crucial conservational moments in real time. I have to learn how to ask the questions that will keep us in them, probing for understanding.

I still spend too much social time telling you the smart things I know, the funny stories I know, putting on the kind of social performance that I hope will make me seem impressive or at least likable.

Plus, I’ve learned a lot more about humanity.

know about personality traits,

how people are shaped by the life task they are in the middle of, how people are formed by ...

how to talk with someone who i...

I’m much better at asking big questions,

When somebody gets truly vulnerable, I don’t freeze anymore; I’m having fun, honored by their trust.

An Illuminator is a blessing to those around him.

He is gracious toward human folly because he’s aware of all the ways we are foolish.

He accepts the unavoidability of conflict and greets disagreement with curiosity and respect.

W. H. Auden poem: “If equal affection cannot be / Let the more loving one be me.”

It is the simple capacity to make another person feel seen and understood—that hard but essential skill that makes a person a treasured co-worker, citizen, lover, spouse, and friend.