How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

by David Brooks

Illuminator model, character building is not something you can do alone.

In the Illuminator model, we develop good character as we get more experienced in being present with others, as we learn to get outside our self-serving ways of perceiving.

The Illuminator model is social, humble, understanding, and warm.

But the Illuminator is not just there to see the depths of your pain, she’s there to see your strength, to celebrate with you in your triumphs.

If Bush would score phenomenally high on any measure of extroversion, the psychologist Dan McAdams argues, he would not score high on a measure of curiosity.

The Big Five traits are extroversion, conscientiousness, neuroticism, agreeableness, and openness.

EXTROVERSION.

CONSCIENTIOUSNESS.

excellent impulse control.

NEUROTICISM.

AGREEABLENESS.

OPENNESS.

if you want to understand someone well, you have to understand what life task they are in the middle of and how their mind has evolved to complete this task.

developmental psychologists.

THE IMPERIAL TASK

world. Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin strike me as men who experienced an imperial consciousness in childhood, and then never moved beyond it.

THE INTERPERSONAL TASK

CAREER CONSOLIDATION

THE GENERATIVE TASK

During the generative life task, people try to find some way to be of service to the world.

The person who seems strongest in any family or organization can also feel alone.

INTEGRITY VERSUS DESPAIR

learn. The lecture halls of the world are filled with senior citizens who seek greater knowledge and wisdom. The explanatory drive that was there when they were babies is still there now.

The awareness of death tends to make life’s trivialities seem…trivial. “Cancer cures psychoneuroses,”

My hope is that this focus on life tasks can help remind that each person you meet is at one spot on their lifelong process of growth.

“Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they are finished.”

but if I’m honest, I think I’m sort of in between career consolidation and generativity. I do seek to serve, but I still pay too much attention to the metrics of success.

I have a civil war going on inside, evidently, between my generative consciousness I aspire to and that little Imperial ego that I can’t quite leave behind.

I have friends facing retirement who are terrified that without their work, they will lose their identity. They’re not quite ready for the fact that at some point they will have to leave their résumé behind.

how they tell the story of their lives.

Apparently we live in a society in which people don’t get to tell their stories.

be fear of the rejection

wondered: Why aren’t these people doing the thing that makes them the happiest?

So why don’t people talk more?

If you give people a little nudge, they will share their life stories with enthusiasm.

Ask people to tell you their stories.

research, I’ve also tried to make my conversations storytelling conversations

Paradigmatic thinking

Narrative thinking, on the other hand, is necessary for understanding the unique individual in front of you.

We live in a culture that is paradigmatic rich and narrative poor.

answers. The whole thing is set up as gladiatorial verbal combat.

Then there is the habit of taking people back in time:

The ability to craft an accurate and coherent life story is yet another vital skill we don’t teach people in school.

coming up with a personal story is centrally important to leading a meaningful life.

You can know what to do next only if you know what story you are a part of.

“All sorrows can be borne if you put them into a story,” as the Danish writer Isak Dinesen said.

grave. The narrative tone reflects the person’s basic attitude toward the world—is

A person’s narrative tone often reveals their sense of “self-efficacy,” their overall confidence in their own abilities.

No one understands how the brain and body create the mind, so at the center of the study of every person there is just a giant mystery before which we all stand in awe.

Faithful Friend