The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT

by Russ Harris

Like a butterfly pinned to a table, however, happiness dies unless it is held lightly.

But our minds did not evolve to make us “feel good” so we could tell jokes, write poems, or say “I love you.” Our minds evolved to help us survive in a world fraught with danger.

Thus, evolution has shaped our brains so that we are hardwired to suffer psychologically: to compare, evaluate, and criticize ourselves, to focus on what we’re lacking, to rapidly become dissatisfied with what we have, and to imagine all sorts of frightening scenarios, most of which will never happen. No wonder humans find it hard to be happy!

Clarifying and connecting with your values is an essential step for making life meaningful. Your values are reflections of what is most important in your heart: what sort of person you want to be, what is significant and meaningful to you, and what you want to stand for in this life. Your values provide direction for your life and motivate you to make important changes.

The only people who can truly experience this event are those who are present when it happens: the “eyewitnesses.” Only an eyewitness actually hears the sound of the shots or sees the gun firing. No matter how detailed the description, the story is not the event (and vice versa). Of course, we know that newspaper stories are biased. They don’t give us the absolute truth; they give us an angle on what happened, which reflects the editorial viewpoint and attitude of the newspaper. We also know that at any point we wish, we can stop reading. If we’re not getting anything useful out of the story, we can put down the newspaper and do something constructive. Now, this may be obvious when it comes to stories in newspapers, but it’s not nearly so obvious when it comes to the stories in our minds. All too often we react to our thoughts as if they are the absolute truth or as if we must give them all our attention. The psychological jargon for this reaction is “fusion.”

Thoughts are merely sounds, words, stories, or bits of language. • Thoughts may or may not be true; we don’t automatically believe them. • Thoughts may or may not be important; we pay attention only if they’re helpful. • Thoughts are definitely not orders; we certainly don’t have to obey them. • Thoughts may or may not be wise; we don’t automatically follow their advice. • Thoughts are never threats; even the most painful or disturbing of thoughts does not represent a threat to us.

Our minds evolved to think negatively, and research shows that about 80 percent of our thoughts have some degree of negative content. But you can see how these stories, if taken as the absolute truth, can readily feed into anxiety, depression, anger, low self-esteem, self-doubt, and insecurity.

In ACT we don’t try to avoid or get rid of the story.

First, be wary of holding on to any belief too tightly. We all have beliefs, but the more tightly we hold on to them, the more inflexible we become in our attitudes and behaviors. If you’ve ever tried having an argument with someone who absolutely believes they are right, then you know how pointless it is—they will never see any point of view other than their own.

Basically, the more tuned in you are to your direct experience of life (rather than to your mind’s running commentary), the more empowered you are to take your life in the direction you truly want.

The point is, if you’re going to put yourself in any sort of challenging situation, if you’re going to take any significant risk, then anxiety is a normal emotion. It will be there. And defusing negative thoughts is not going to get rid of it.”

Acceptance literally means “taking what is offered.” It doesn’t mean giving up or admitting defeat; it doesn’t mean just gritting your teeth and bearing it. It means fully opening yourself to your present reality—acknowledging how it is, right here and now, and letting go of the struggle with life as it is in this moment.

Acceptance is like finding that firm foothold. It’s a realistic appraisal of where your feet are and what condition the ground is in. It doesn’t mean that you like being in that spot, or that you intend to stay there. Once you have a firm foothold, you can take the next step more effectively. The more fully you accept the reality of your situation—as it is, here and now—the more effectively you can take action to change it.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to switch off this radio. Even Zen masters are unable to achieve such a feat. Sometimes the radio will stop of its own accord for a few seconds (or even—very rarely—for a few minutes). But we just don’t have the power to make it stop (unless we short-circuit it with drugs, alcohol, or brain surgery). In fact, generally speaking, the more we try to make this radio stop, the louder it plays.

You can’t stop yourself from feeling angry or afraid, but you certainly can control how you behave.

Acting in accordance with your own deepest values is inherently satisfying and fulfilling—even though it often forces you to face your fears.

Whenever an urge arises, you have two choices: act upon it or don’t act upon it. Therefore, once you are aware of an urge, you need to ask yourself, “If I act on this urge, will I be acting like the person I want to be? Will it help take my life in the direction I want to go?” If the answer is yes, then it makes sense to act on that urge. For instance, if you’ve been nasty to someone and you’re feeling guilty, you may have an urge to apologize. If this is consistent with who you want to be and what you want to stand for, then it’s sensible to go ahead and apologize.

The thinking self is rather like a time machine: it continually pulls us into the future and the past. We spend a huge amount of time worrying about, planning for, or dreaming of the future, and a huge amount of time rehashing the past. This makes perfect sense in terms of evolution. The “don’t get killed” device needs to plan ahead and anticipate problems. It also needs to reflect on the past, to learn from it. But even when our mind is thinking about the here and now, it’s generally being judgmental and critical, struggling against reality instead of accepting it. And this constant mental activity is an enormous distraction. For a huge part of every day, the thinking self completely diverts our attention from what we’re doing.

To create a meaningful life, we need to take action. And the power to act exists only in this moment.

Thus, the thinking self is often like a pair of dark goggles that dims and obscures our view of the world, disconnecting us from reality through boredom, distraction, or resistance.

The observing self, though, is incapable of boredom. It registers everything it observes with openness and interest. It’s only the thinking self that gets bored, because boredom is basically a thought process: a story that life would be more interesting and more fulfilling if we were doing something else. The thinking self is easily bored because it thinks it already knows it all. It’s been there, done that, seen the show, and bought the T-shirt. Whether we’re walking down the street, driving to work, eating a meal, having a chat, or taking a shower, the thinking self takes it all for granted. After all, it’s done all this stuff countless times before. So rather than help us connect with our present reality, it “carries us off” to a different time and place. Thus, when the thinking self is running the show, we spend most of our time only half awake, scarcely aware of the richness in the world around us.

The fascinating thing is that when, with an attitude of openness and interest, we bring our full attention to an unpleasant experience, the thing we dreaded often seems much less bothersome than before. Likewise, when we truly connect with even the most familiar or mundane experience, we often see it in a new and interesting light.

The more we focus on unpleasant thoughts and feelings, the more we disconnect from the present moment.

So here’s my definition: “mindfulness” means consciously bringing awareness to your here-and-now experience, with openness, receptiveness, and interest.

Firstly, mindfulness is a conscious process; something we do deliberately.

The more we try to avoid the basic reality that all human life involves pain, the more we are likely to struggle with that pain when it arises, thereby creating even more suffering.

By breathing slowly when you’re stressed, you will reduce the level of tension in your body. This won’t get rid of or control your unpleasant emotions, but it will help you to handle them more effectively. Moreover, your breathing can become a powerful aid—an anchor that steadies you in the midst of emotional storms. So slow, deep breathing is useful for all of us whenever we’re stressed in any way. But it’s especially important at times when you feel as if you can’t breathe properly.

I keep breathing slowly and deeply, allowing my thoughts and feelings to come and go as I remain fully connected with what I’m doing. In this way my breathing acts as an anchor. It doesn’t get rid of my anxiety, but it stops me from getting carried away. It’s like a constant, soothing presence in the background, while my attention is focused on taking effective action.

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

Never set as your goal something that a dead person can do better than you. For example, to stop eating chocolate—that’s something a dead person can do better than you because, no matter what, they’ll definitely never, ever eat chocolate again. Or to stop feeling depressed—that’s something a dead person can do better than you, because they’ll never feel depressed again. Any goal that is about not doing something or stopping doing something is a dead person’s goal. To convert it to a live person’s goal (i.e., something that a live person can do better than a dead one) you need to ask yourself, “If I was no longer doing this activity (or feeling this way or thinking like this), what would I be doing with my time? How would I be acting differently?” For example, suppose you answered, “If I was no longer smoking, I’d be going for a walk after lunch and breathing in the fresh air instead of puffing on a cigarette.” Okay, so make that your goal. After lunch, instead of having a cigarette, get up and go for a walk and breathe in the fresh air. That is definitely something you can do better than a dead person.

Change happens in an instant. The moment you steer that ship toward shore, you are successfully creating a meaningful life. Your mind will try to tell you that the most important thing is to reach the shore, but that’s not really the case. The most important thing is sailing toward shore. When you’re drifting aimlessly at sea, you feel half dead. But when you’re heading for shore, you feel alive. As renowned author and educator Helen Keller put it: “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”

When we move in a valued direction, every moment of our journey becomes meaningful. So engage fully in everything you do along the way. Practice your mindfulness skills: be open to and interested in your experience. That way, you’ll find it stimulating, satisfying, and invigorating, even during those times when the going gets tough.

Life gives most to those who make the most of what life gives.

Willingness means we make room for the negative side effects, such as unpleasant thoughts and feelings, in order to create a meaningful life.

THE WILLINGNESS-AND-ACTION PLAN Write out your answers to the following questions. (You can download a free plan form at the resources page on www.thehappinesstrap.com.) 1. My goal is to . . . 2. The values underlying my goal are . . . 3. The thoughts, feelings, sensations, and urges I’m willing to have in order to achieve this goal are . . . 4. It would be useful to remind myself that . . . 5. I can break this goal down into smaller steps, such as . . . 6. The smallest, easiest step I can begin with is . . . 7. The time, day, and date that I will take that first step, is . . .

A = Accept your thoughts and feelings and be present. C = Connect with your values. T = Take effective action.

1. DEFUSION Recognizing thoughts, images, and memories for what they are—just words and pictures—and allowing them to come and go as they please, without fighting them, running from them, or giving them more attention than they deserve. 2. EXPANSION Making room for feelings, sensations, and urges and allowing them to come and go as they please, without fighting them, running from them, or giving them undue attention. 3. CONNECTION Bringing full awareness to your here-and-now experience with openness, interest, and receptiveness; focusing on and engaging fully in whatever you’re doing. 4. THE OBSERVING SELF A transcendent part of you; a perspective from which to observe difficult thoughts and feelings, without being hurt by them. The one part of you which is unchanging, ever-present, and impervious to harm. It has no physical properties: it is “pure awareness.” 5. VALUES Clarifying what is most important in your heart: what sort of person you want to be, what is significant and meaningful to you, what you want to stand for in this life. 6. COMMITTED ACTION Taking effective action in line with your values (again and again, no matter how many times you go off track). These six basic principles are neatly summarized in the basic ACT formula: A = Accept your thoughts and feelings and be present. C = Connect with your values. T = Take effective action.