Hamartia

by Scarlett Drake

Do you believe that this was all…inevitable? RS: [A soft laugh] Me falling in love with a guy? Ha, probably, you know. I’m sure the second he was born he was meant for me. People think that the video was the big moment, that something changed for me at that point. Something irrevocable happened. But it wasn’t then, it wasn’t that, it was the first time I set eyes on him. That was the moment. Nothing was ever going to be the same after that. I knew it. And it wasn’t.

But him…well, he was my inevitability.

all I wanted to do was worship at his feet.

There was before him and after him, two sides, and I am two completely separate people on each.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the things that had to happen so that we’d both be standing in that bathroom at that moment. Staring at each other across, what seemed to me then, like a fucking ocean.

He’d given me a look. A look that shifted something inside me in a way that all those separate parts that made up the whole changed imperceptibly. So that they didn’t fit back the way they were supposed to. Like I no longer fit inside myself. That’s how I’d come to describe it. That was the power of that shift. The power of him. I was like a stranger to my own fucking soul.

I’d have let him do anything he fucking wanted to me right then.

Maybe I’d had some vague passing kind of crush on the lead singer after that video of him, the one where he wore a leather jacket, bare-chest, and warpaint. Maybe it was the look he’d given me. Like a little boy. Big wide eyes I was sure I could see the moon in. The way he’d made me feel like I’d been the one who’d insulted him.

I’m not a natural top, but I would make an exception for him.

It feels like divinity. And he’s my god.

He seems sweet, genuine, hard-working, and probably isn’t even fucking gay. What am I talking about? I’m not fucking gay.

“You, too. Thanks again for the lift.” And for breaking my nose.

LOL

Over a text exchange with a guy who almost broke my nose this afternoon. A guy I’ve been obsessing about for the last two years.

Moving through space like a fucking dream.

But he’s all I see.

“Don’t take too long, we’re four away,” Crawford shouts. “It’s a leak, not a shit. I’ll be back in time.”

😂😂

A heteronormative case of a guy having a crush on another guy. I shake my head at that

“Yeah. When I’m home. Probably a few times a week. I really love the food.” Obviously, I love the food. You think he thinks you’re here for the décor, you tool?

😭😭

“What have you wanted to say to me since Paris, Raphael?” he asks, making my stomach drop out of my ass.

“Are you trying to say that you want to fuck me, Raphael?” He says it in that same soft voice and this time my stomach does drop out of my ass.

omgggg

“I do not want to be your friend, Raphael. I do not want to watch sunrises and think of you. I do not want to close my eyes to go to sleep and see the image of your mouth when you smile. I do not want to spend a five-hour flight daydreaming about your eyes or the sound of your voice or the way you say my name. I do not want it. And yet… all of these things I have done just today.”

“I want you. I don’t know what this is but I haven’t been able to think in a straight line since I saw you and it’s driving me insane. I want…to touch you, breathe you in, kiss you, taste you, and I don’t know what any of it means. It’s…it’s like I’m fucking obsessed. I feel obsessed. Have you ever been obsessed with anything? Ever wanted something so much it makes every breath you have to take without it, pointless?”

“If you change your mind, I will not be offended.” “I won’t.” “There is some time between now and then.” “I think you underestimate how much I want you. How long I’ve wanted this.”

He drinks whiskey then. I file it away. Along with all the other tiny bits of information I’d picked up, polished, and stored away in a Jae-shaped jewelry box to admire whenever I was alone.

“She is. She’s fucking fantastic. Beautiful, kind, talented, funny.” She’s just not you.

“I told you, I’m here because I want you. Because if I don’t get to have you at least once I’m gonna lose my fucking mind.”

I saw Michelangelo’s David once and I think Lee Jaehyun is more beautiful than that slab of perfectly-shaped marble.

😩😩

I want to know that he wants me a fraction of the way I want him.

I have to stop myself letting out a groan because finally, fucking finally.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” I say out loud.

But all I want to do now is compliment him, praise him, worship him. Maybe I should kneel?

but more than that, life-changingly more, is that there’s nothing weird about it. Nothing that feels even remotely odd about having a cock in my mouth. It feels like it belongs there. Like my mouth was shaped in just this way so that it could hold him like this.

Ah, so he’s ticklish here. Good to know.

🥹🥹

feel at ease with everything that’s just happened. In fact, I want more.

“I think you might be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Sometimes I wonder how you can be real.

I feel nothing but satisfaction. More than that, even. Bone deep contentment.

A blowjob and a hand job and I’m ready to change citizenship.

LOL

I just spent the night with Lee Jaehyun from K:OS’s cock in my mouth and literally no one cares.

“Open,” he says. I do and then he’s feeding me, a big, adorable smile on his pretty face. It makes my stomach do a weird flipping thing. I’m so fucking fucked.

He’s not small, but he feels small in my arms. Like something I need to keep safe, need to protect. I’ve never felt that before.

love LA. Denver too. But NY has always had a buzz I’ve never found anywhere else.

A vibe that said the people here were cool but indifferent to fame and celebrity.

100%

He looks insane; his hair slicked back from his forehead and his expression bad ass as he soaks up the applause.

Okay why is this giving me goosebumps?? I love how much he’s fangirling right now 😭😭

“Jae? You home? It’s me.” Then, wondering that same thing I had last night when I wondered if this was a place he brought guys to fuck them, I add, “Raphael.”

😂😂

I’m not quite sure what I’ll tell her but I’m sort of hoping it’s one of those things that as soon as I start doing it, it’ll come.

I hear him kick off his shoes by the door then curse myself for not doing the same, glancing down at my sneakers like they’ve committed a felony.

Yeah sorry I’m a no shoes in the house person too 😭😭

I can feel him watching me as I pour, but he doesn’t speak. I’ve come to realize this about Jae, that he’s perfectly comfortable with silences, even when they’re slightly uncomfortable. He just owns them. Lingers in them. Happy in the quiet.

I could learn from this lol

Fucking hell, he’s so beautiful. I wonder if I’ll stop being stunned by it.

I don’t know if he’d rather be alone or not. A greater kind of man would probably offer to leave, but clearly I’m a lesser kind of man.