Hamartia

by Scarlett Drake

This is the most important performance of my life,

It’s crazy that he’s real, I think again. That he’s made of the same matter that I am. That beneath all that flawless skin he’s just blood and muscle and bone like I am. And I get to have him. He wants me to have him. “You’re so fucking beautiful, dude,” I say. “Like, it’s seriously fucking distracting.”

He's such a gonerrrr

He looks fucking incredible. Another fucking performance that he’s practiced his entire life for. I can only watch in awe as he uses my dick to put on the best show I’ve ever seen.

“I don’t want to do just fine.” I growl against his mouth. “I want to be the best you’ve ever had.” I want to be the only one you ever have from now on. I’m so fucked.

Had I seriously been thinking that I could get him out of my system by fucking him once? I’m a bigger clown than I thought possible. I need air. I need to walk and think and then maybe speak to a priest or an exorcist or something because this guy is simmering in my veins like demonic possession.

His dramatic ass LOL

He rolls his eyes. “You have never seen a Korean sunset; you have never been to Korea” “Baby, I’m pretty sure I was in Korea about ten minutes ago.”

I cannot LOL

And on one side of it is a view of downtown Manhattan at night, which has absolutely nothing on the view across from me.

That's a very flattering comparison

“If you were an alien then it would not surprise me. Would actually make a whole lot of sense.” It would explain why he makes me feel like no other person on earth does. Like there’s a buzzing under my skin whenever he’s close to me. Like he’s on some frequency not of this universe.

And the fucker giggles. Actually fucking giggles.

turns my mind to white noise and my body into one giant dick.

what a mental image LOL

Oh, he is going to hurt me, Hyung. It is only a matter of time before he hurts me. He may already have.

!!!

They watch each other, these two men who are terribly important to me,

whattt??

“Fuck, I can’t think past you,” he whispers like a confession.

“You want to know about my situation boat with Ji-hoon, then ask me.

Situation boat 😂😂

When I am with you, I feel… happy.” And enough. “Happier than I can remember feeling for a long time.”

just imagine us existing here as…a couple. I want it too. Fiercely. I’m sure I just need him to say it’s what he wants too and I’m all the way in. Fuck, I already am most likely. I don’t have all the instructions yet, but maybe I don’t really need them. Maybe all I need is a nod and look from him so I know I’m doing something right.

The raw taste of twilight. It sounds like a love song. But not about New York. About something New York possesses tonight. One single perfect thing that no other city on earth has. And he’s asleep in the next room.

I realize it’s the first love song I’ve ever written.

stopp

Great, so I’m two from two on how shit I’ve made two of my best friends feel the last two days. Maybe when I go home, I can shit all over my mom too.

LOL

First, he takes large sip of his wine and then lifts his fork to dig in. I hold my breath. Nervous. Jae moans obscenely. Pretends to fall back into the chair, dead. Then bursts awake with a giggle and continues to eat. I can only watch him a few minutes utterly enamoured. Big scary feelings swirling in my stomach and my chest. Feelings I know the name of, but which shouldn’t be there. Not yet. Not this soon. The fact that they’re about a guy is the least troubling aspect.

Any choice in which he’s an option, I’ll always choose him.

JH: I just checked and saw it is going to be snowing there. Please wrap up warm and don’t catch a cold! Happy Thanksgiving, Raphael.

SO CUTEEE

“Did you dream about me?”

“I’m the man of your dreams though.”

Because he’s not mine. Not yet.

Mistakes are part of life okay, they just are. And if you try and avoid them your whole life then, well, you’re not really living.”

Amen to that

“Dinner’s ready, come on. Pride & Prejudice is on PBS at nine and I want us all to watch it together.”

😂😂

“Please stop. Too much emotion. No one’s dying.” “Heterosexual Raphael died, and I’ll miss him. Even if you won’t.” She pouts.

“So, tell me about him. Where’d you meet this life-changing, soul-shifting event?” I smile, cheeks and ears burning. “Paris. Two years ago.” She almost spits out her wine.

This reminds me of a certain Heated Rivalry scene with Shane and his parents...

Global warming is fucking real.

100% 😭😭

“Fuck, I miss your hole, baby. So tight and warm…it’s perfect.”

👀👀😅😅

My brain is entirely in my dick.”

uh yeah definitely

Is your brain still in your dick?” I laugh at that. “Maybe…you know what, maybe. Or maybe I left it up your ass or something.”

🤣🤣

it’s very fucking likely I’m in love (love?) with someone else.

What are you doing?” “Living my life,” I snap. “He is going to hurt you.” The way you did, is unsaid. Instead, I say, “Then I will be hurt. Again. Then I will recover, again.”

👏🏾👏🏾

“Well, I remember what I feel like in your arms,” I say. “Yeah? How’s that?” “Happy. Safe. Very aroused.” I add this last to lighten the mood.

I feel lucky to be allowed inside it for even heartbeat,

I want his name somewhere on me. He deserves that. Even if this flickers out and dies, as all things that burn as brightly as this do, he deserves that. He matters more than that first album ever did. And if I don’t get to keep him, if he doesn’t want this—anything serious—with me, then I need to know that this fucking happened. That I didn’t dream it. Because every moment I get to spend with him feels exactly like that.

I know that, in fact, my imagination is shit. Because he’s much better than I imagined. He’s fucking everything.

This vulnerable, sometimes sad, beautiful fucking thing that just wants someone to be brave enough to be with him.

He looks stunned. Dark eyes wide in the low light. Did he hear me say it? Is that terror on his face? I want to go to him. I want him to say it back. But that’s not how it works. That’s not how love works. Love is fucking terrifying. A jump in the dark. Blind fucking faith.

Rapha needs to work on not being eavesdropped on - this is like the third time 😭😭

I like that he sinks into dreams as heavily and completely as I do.

My mom will normally find a British period film to watch—they’re her favorite.”

Moms and British period dramas, man 😂

I can only hope my mom doesn’t call while I play it for him.

Love these writing details bc they’re so relatable!

“I am a brand ambassador for Valentino, but Chanel is my favorite,” he whispers. “Please do not tell anyone.”

😂😂

Please tell me you will sing about my asshole.”

hahaha

Then his face melts into this gorgeous smile and my heart trips over itself. I love him. I seriously fucking love this guy. Person. Human.

“I don’t think you’ll find it so pretty when I shit myself.”

“Dreams are safer when they are unachievable.

Oooh 😭😭 too real

“Life is a struggle, man. We grow and we learn and we evolve, and all we can do is try to find some fucking happiness along the way.” I lean my head on my hands, a mirror pose to his own. “Let me be that for you?”