Hamartia

by Scarlett Drake

It’s almost feral, the need building in me.

For you to think I was worth it. For you not to walk away. For you to fucking choose me.

You deserve to be fucking loved too. And I would do that, I would love you enough for fucking both of us, okay?

I envy him. Envy this fucking cat. Envy the love Jae has for him, envy the life he gets to live here, envy that Jae gets to be the center of his fucking universe so completely, so easily.

I think about what I’d do if he

called me now and asked me to come back. If he asked me to choose him over the child growing inside Camille and I almost throw up from the realization. I guess I am a lot like Finn after all.

Holy shit 😳😳

“I love you too,” I whisper to no one. “In another life I would have chosen you.”

“There is no precedent for an out, gay idol. But we would not be who we are if we did not push those precedents forward—if you all did not redefine what it means to be idols. That is why you are so successful. Why you have the reach that you do.”

Wooo - push those boundaries!!

God, no. I don’t want someone else. I want him. I want Raphael Scott to love me.

What do you fucking want, Jaehyun? “You.” I whisper to no one. “I want you, Raphael.”

But this time, beneath his name, there’s mine.

Ahhh shit 🙃🙃

In that video he looked like mine, happy and warm and mine,

I’ve come to be baptized and Jae’s my fucking priest.

I just want you to be warm and happy again.

Just…let me love you and make you happy. That’s enough. You’re enough.”

But then I think about how it became stronger when I told my mom, how I became more sure of it when I told Cam, how badly I wanted it back when the stranger with the camera showed me what I’d lost.

“Yes, but I lay awake wishing you were there so we could join the airplane club and so I couldn’t sleep.”

airplane club LOL

I had the interview with Descript, remember.” “Ah, yes, sorry. It went well?” “I think so. We talked a lot about your asshole.”

I ruffle his hair a little as we walk toward Lili and Jae who are deep in conversation like two old friends, Lili’s eyes filled with hero worship and love. Like father like daughter in that sense, I guess.