Hamartia

by Scarlett Drake

“Which one of these is your dad’s bedroom, huh? Do you sleep with him in there? Lucky lucky, Shiro.”

“You want me to stretch you open on my cock again, Jaehyun?”

I’m sure, in fact, that my sexuality is defined entirely by him alone.

“You’re so beautiful, so fucking beautiful, I missed you so much…fuck.”

And if I don’t get to keep him, if he doesn’t want this—anything serious—with me, then I need to know that this fucking happened. That I didn’t dream it. Because every moment I get to spend with him feels exactly like that.

I know that, in fact, my imagination is shit. Because he’s much better than I imagined. He’s fucking everything.

“Okay,” he says in a small voice. “I will see you later, at home.” Home. I think my heart actually stops beating for a second.

He said I’m important to him, and that’s all I’ve wanted for as long as I’ve known him.

“I feel like when I’m with you it’s like being lost somewhere. Somewhere new, somewhere that’s beautiful and different and smells great.”

“Because everyone who’s ever loved me—who has ever tried to be with me—has always decided that in the end it is too hard. That I am too…difficult.”

“That it is too much hard work to be with me. To love me.”

“I love you,” I tell him. “I don’t need you to say it back, and I don’t need you to feel the same. It’s soon for you, I get it. But I feel like I’ve been in this for a long time and now that I’ve got you like this, I’m all in. I’ll take whatever you can give me, Jaehyun.

“I’ll wait for you, baby.” I kiss the words into his mouth as he wraps his arms around my neck. “As long as it takes, I’ll wait for you.”

He loves me. It should make me incredibly happy; he is the first man to tell me so in the way I have always wanted.

Perhaps Raphael could love me hard enough that it will not matter about all the ways in which I am broken, faulty, imperfect.

“Hey, we’re almost there, buddy,” he says in a soft voice. The kind you might use on a small child. It makes a warm sensation move over my chest.

“I’m really glad I’m here with you today,” he says with an easy smile. “You do not know where I am taking you yet.” I laugh and he grins adorably. “You, know…I don’t actually care.” He sighs. “If you and the little guy are there, then I’m good.”

“I can’t believe you did all this for me,” he whispers. My cheeks feel hot. My ears too. “I thought we could meet halfway. Have an American–style Christmas in Korea.”

“You’re amazing, do you know that?” I push at him gently. “Stop it. It is nothing.” “You gave me Christmas as a Christmas gift. It’s…insane.”

I begin to protest again but then his mouth is over the fabric of my underwear and he’s…sucking. Hot, wet loud kisses along the length to the tip that feel so good. I gasp, sliding my hands into the lengths of his hair.

I’m pretty sure this is my favorite version of him. When he’s like this. Unwound and soft. Although…the sight of him coming down my throat is a close second. And the sight of him on his knees with his eyes closed in bliss as he mouths at my cock, like he had in the shower, a very close third.

I’ve never done it in my life, not for Camille, not for any girl. And there’s a reason why. It makes me want to throw myself off a bridge from embarrassment. But I wrote it for him, about him, and there are more where that came from too, so I suppose I need to know how it will make him feel before I do it again. In

try not to think about who the fuck else is buying him four thousand dollar earrings but I fail. Kai? Other guys he’s been with? Some hot twist of jealousy flares up inside me which is fucking ridiculous. Of course, he’s been with other people. Of course, they’ve given him gifts. The fuck is wrong with me?

“I really liked buying you them,” I murmur. “I want to buy you presents all the time. Spoil you.” I can feel his mouth curve against mine. “Mmm, I would not complain about that. Now hurry, open yours.”

I shake my head as I reach out and draw my fingers over the gold strings. It reminds me of him. Sleek, immaculately crafted, and jaw-droppingly beautiful.

“Oh, this will be very good. Please tell me you will sing about my asshole.” I splutter out a laugh as I sit my glass back down. “That’s actually the title.” “Of course.” He nods, proudly.

I love him. I seriously fucking love this guy. Person. Human.

While I sang about being lost and found in a foreign place. How needing is so very different from wanting. How green tea reminds me of him.

“I’d love to say it won’t happen again but I can’t make that promise. I’m embarrassing as fuck when I’m this into a person.”

“I hate you,” he says quietly against my neck. “I don’t think you do.” I press a kiss against his cheek.

“I am scared, Raphael,” he says in a small voice. “What of? Tell me. I bet it’s not that scary.” “Of everything,” he says. “Of having you and losing you, of having you and losing everything else.”

He buries his head in my neck and breathes deep, like the very scent of me is comforting to him.

It’s the one thing, the only thing, I know for certain. I’d never ever hurt him. And if he wants it, I’ll give him everything. He can have every single part of me: the talent, the lack of it, the daddy issues, the successes, the failures.

“If you want this, with me, then we’re doing it together. And I’ll be right fucking here beside you as long as you want me to be, however you want me to be.”

and I’ve already decided that what’s important to him is important to me. So I’ll go.

If I was in your position I’d be pissed too, man.” “My position?” “You had him and you lost him and maybe you can’t fucking deal with it.”

“Fuck, I love you,” I tell him. His cheeks curve up even further. “You are high.” “You are beautiful.”

I honestly can’t imagine Jae doing a normal job. Sat behind a desk, clocking in for a pay check. He’s too…extraordinary. Stands out too much. Feels like he was born to be idolized.

I hope he gets what I’m saying. That I want to be that for him. That I’m going to be that for him for as long as he wants me to be.

We grow and we learn and we evolve, and all we can do is try to find some fucking happiness along the way.” I lean my head on my hands, a mirror pose to his own. “Let me be that for you?”

“Spread yourself open for me,” I tell him. “Let me see it.”

But then I’m slipping out of him and he’s moving away from me down the hallway with my come dripping out of his ass, and I think that just maybe I might be able to rally.

“I never said I didn’t love you anymore, Cam. That’s not…” Our relationship as it was, is over. Love was something else altogether.

This hurts. The pain in her voice hurts. “This changes things, Camille. You know it does.”

Please let me have this again. Please don’t let this be the last time.

“I understand. You should go to her.” His voice is frighteningly calm. “This has been fun, Raphael.”

“We all want things we cannot have. Now, go home to your girlfriend and be a father to your child. I wish you both happiness.”

“And what about you? What do you want? All that honesty and clarity you offered me at the start, how about you give me some of it now? What do you want?”

I see him swallow, pale throat drawing my eyes like a moth to a flame. “What does it matter? I cannot have the things I want.”

I’ve promised I won’t hurt you, but here you are, still so fucking scared to put everything out there. To take what you want. Camille being pregnant has nothing to do with us. It changes things, yes, but it doesn’t have to be the end of it. But you need to be honest with me again, now, what do you want? From this, from me. I need you to say it. Clearly.”