Hamartia

by Scarlett Drake

Instead, I say, “Can’t I want both?”

At last, he says, “I do not need any more friends, Raphael.” I can only stare dumbly at him. His decisiveness is impressive. Kind of hot too.

“I do not want to be your friend, Raphael. I do not want to watch sunrises and think of you. I do not want to close my eyes to go to sleep and see the image of your mouth when you smile. I do not want to spend a five-hour flight daydreaming about your eyes or the sound of your voice or the way you say my name. I do not want it. And yet… all of these things I have done just today.”

“Do you want to fuck me?” “Yes.”

“I want you. I don’t know what this is but I haven’t been able to think in a straight line since I saw you and it’s driving me insane. I want…to touch you, breathe you in, kiss you, taste you, and I don’t know what any of it means.

It’s…it’s like I’m fucking obsessed. I feel obsessed. Have you ever been obsessed with anything? Ever wanted something so much it makes every breath you have to take without it, pointless?”

“Would you prefer I put something else in your mouth, Jaehyun?”

“If you change your mind, I will not be offended.” “I won’t.” “There is some time between now and then.” “I think you underestimate how much I want you. How long I’ve wanted this.”

So, he swears. That perfect mouth swears.

I still want him. I still want all the things I told him I wanted on that phone call, and more than that—I need those things now.

but which sits heavy in my back pocket as a reminder that my life is waiting for me on the other side of whatever this is. Whatever he is.

He drinks whiskey then. I file it away. Along with all the other tiny bits of information I’d picked up, polished, and stored away in a Jae-shaped jewelry box to admire whenever I was alone.

Fuck, the way him just looking at me makes me feel like nothing else on earth.

“I told you, I’m here because I want you. Because if I don’t get to have you at least once I’m gonna lose my fucking mind.”

I’m here because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you for two and a half years. Because I’ve never wanted to touch and be touched by another person as much as I want to touch and be touched by you. Because just looking at you feels like I’m drowning, and I like that feeling more than I should.

I have to stop myself letting out a groan because finally, fucking finally.

My next words aren’t ones I ever thought I’d say to another man. “Please, let me suck your cock.”

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” I say out loud.

But all I want to do now is compliment him, praise him, worship him. Maybe I should kneel?

He doesn’t need to say anything else, I’m moving down in some kind of lust-led daze, towards that pretty fucking cock and swallowing him down in a single go.

“So, the rockstar has a big cock,” he says, sounding distinctly unimpressed. “Isn’t it too obvious? What is the word…” He thinks about it. “Cliché?”

I nod, gasping as he twists the head of my cock against his. “I think you might be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

What did it mean that the first moment I saw him everything inside me changed color and flavor, while he didn’t even remember it?

A blowjob and a hand job and I’m ready to change citizenship.

I square my shoulders off and give him a small smile. I’m glad that I decided not to put my t-shirt on. I like that I’m standing in Jae’s kitchen topless and barefoot. I want this fucker to know.

And Kai knew that. He turned up here at breakfast with a bag of Jae’s favorite food because he knew he’d be starving. Another knot of jealousy flares up in my gut.

“Open,” he says. I do and then he’s feeding me, a big, adorable smile on his pretty face. It makes my stomach do a weird flipping thing. I’m so fucking fucked.

Everything feels different now, he seems different now, but inside I feel exactly the fucking same. I still want him. Not less. Not at all. More; the want is bigger now, altered irrevocably.

Cold. The guy is fucking cold. It turns me on even more somehow.

Now I can’t wait to see him perform. To see him command a crowd of that many people. I wonder if he does it as easily as he does it to me.

Fucking hell, he’s so beautiful. I wonder if I’ll stop being stunned by it.

I likely have about eight seconds of Lee Jaehyun on all fours in front of me before I blow my load all over his fucking ass.

It’s crazy that he’s real, I think again. That he’s made of the same matter that I am. That beneath all that flawless skin he’s just blood and muscle and bone like I am. And I get to have him. He wants me to have him.

You are…” He thinks about it, hard, as I hold my breath and wait. “Teug-ihan, nollaun. Unusual. Surprising.”

It’s a sight I’ll never forget. He looks fucking incredible. Another fucking performance that he’s practiced his entire life for. I can only watch in awe as he uses my dick to put on the best show I’ve ever seen.

and I wonder how the fuck I’d managed to live without it. Without this. Without him.

“I don’t want to do just fine.” I growl against his mouth. “I want to be the best you’ve ever had.” I want to be the only one you ever have from now on. I’m so fucked.

And I’m realizing now just how much pride and dignity each one of them had, because they got up and left, no questions asked. Whereas all I want to do is follow him in there, kneel at his feet and ask him to let me have him again.

“Jaehyun, nothing about you is disappointing. Not a fucking thing. And I’m certainly not disgusted. Fuck. It was…” I scrub a hand over my face. Life-changing. Soul-shifting. I settle on: “Perfect. It was perfect.”

When I lean in to kiss him, he makes that soft mewling noise that goes straight to my dick.

“You have never seen a Korean sunset; you have never been to Korea” “Baby, I’m pretty sure I was in Korea about ten minutes ago.”

It had become obvious to me then that I wanted to travel with him, wanted to see things with him.

As I kiss and suck across the skin at the top of his spine. I want to consume him.

“You need to quit that or I won’t be able to do that fucking thing you asked for.” He frowns. “But you are not doing the fucking thing anyway?”

He looks fascinated with it, and I like the look of fascination on his face. Especially when it pertains to me.

“If you tell me again that you do not know what you are doing, or what this is I will scream, Raphael.”

But with you, especially, I’m scared to say or do the wrong thing, okay? I’m scared that you’re gonna realize that there are a million other guys out there more experienced and better equipped to deal with…” I stop myself saying whatever this is just in time. “…better for you and you’ll be done with me.”

This was the real him and I’m pretty fucking sure I’m falling harder for him than all the others.

What sort of person would Jaehyun make me? What sort of person would Camille make me? Because we take on parts of those people we love and are loved by, bad and good, and though I’m not sure I can use the word love when it comes to Jae, not yet. I know I’ve never felt this kind of all-consuming passion for someone before.

I want to keep her in my life. In whatever form that is. I hate losing things and I’m not ready to lose her, which is what I’m sure will happen as soon as I say this out loud.