Hamartia

by Scarlett Drake

At all the parts of myself I don’t like. At all the parts of myself that are not enough for Raphael.

But of course, I knew the truth, I was not enough; I never have been. Not for him. Not for my parents. Not for Raphael.

A distraction that tastes of whiskey and want and who looks at me like I might be the only one he has truly desired.

The first person I told when I knew what I was. The person I called when I held those pills in my hand and thought about how easy it would be. The person who I clung to when my father told me no matter what I achieved I’d always be a disappointment to him. Because of what I was. What I wasn’t.

“Now you are so well versed on what I need?”

He stares at me a long time. “I have always known, Jaehyun. It was that I could never give them to you.”

He makes me feel…” I don’t know what he makes me feel. Not sad. Not a disappointment. Almost, almost, enough.

He is love and stoic loyalty; there is no man on earth as loyal as Kim Ji-hoon.

He straightens, eyes darkening as they go over my shoulder. From innocent and sweet to…suspicious, angry. The thought that it might be jealousy has that awful part of me singing.

“Fuck, I can’t think past you,” he whispers like a confession.

“I missed you,” he breathes. “How can I have missed you this much?”

“You want to know about my situation boat with Ji-hoon, then ask me.

“Do you wish he were here right now? Instead of me? Like, do you wish I hadn’t shown up tonight? So, you could have…been with him instead?” “No, Raphael, I don’t.” I shake my head. “I haven’t stopped thinking about you all day.

“Wondering if you told her about us. Whether you lied about me. Wondering if you told her I was a mistake.”

I didn’t want to be that to him. God, please not to him. Because I don’t understand how I could ever be anything else to anyone else now.

When I am with you, I feel… happy.” And enough. “Happier than I can remember feeling for a long time.”

I made him happy. I have that kind of power. Knowing I have any effect on him at all is a heady fucking feeling. It makes me feel important. Terrified too, because if I have the power to make him happy, then the opposite had to be true, right?

and just imagine us existing here as…a couple. I want it too. Fiercely. I’m sure I just need him to say it’s what he wants too and I’m all the way in.

About something New York possesses tonight. One single perfect thing that no other city on earth has. And he’s asleep in the next room. I realize it’s the first love song I’ve ever written.

Any choice in which he’s an option, I’ll always choose him.

I lean up and kiss him hard. “I’m okay,” I tell him. “You touched my asshole and I liked it. Please stop looking so worried.”

“You liked it pink?” he says. “It was the first color I ever saw it. I wanted you so fucking much. Even then.”

“Did you dream about me?” He laughs, then squeezes his eyes closed. Embarrassed. “You did! You dreamt about me.” I punch the air in celebration and he covers his face and shakes his head. “You are ridiculous.” “I’m the man of your dreams though.”

But I know he needs to go. He needs to get on a plane to fly thousands of miles away to another continent and I have to let him. Because he’s not mine. Not yet.

“I think I’ve always known. Since the first time I kissed you. Fuck, maybe even before that.” Could it have been since Paris?

“I’m always thinking good thoughts of you, baby.” I smirk and he blushes, actually fucking blushes. My dick perks up. “You’ll dream of me?” He laughs. “I’ll try.

“If you think you’re going to figure out how much I heard so you can lie to me, think again, Raphael Alwyn Scott.”

I don’t think I’d need that much if I had him. He’s kind of everything…he’s enough. And I’d be enough too, you know?”

“I’ve never looked at another guy before him, mom, not one. It’s never even crossed my mind. But the second I saw him, I felt it. Something big had happened.

“I guess what I’m saying is, that’s what he is for me. This life-changing, soul-shifting event.

“Sweetheart, we have some news. And it’s that Raphael and Camille are separating—and my baby’s rediscovering his sexuality. With a K-pop idol. That’s what they call them. Idols. It’s Jaehyun isn’t it? Jae,” she asks, looking back at me. I can only nod, too impressed by her deductive skills to speak.

“Raphael Scott. I had no idea you were so…kinky. That is the word, yes?” “I’m not kinky. You’re kinky. You’re wearing lace fucking stockings, Jae.” “And you find them sexy.” “I find you wearing them incredibly sexy.” “And you’d find me in lingerie sexy too.”

“I cannot wait to feel your cock here again…my fingers are good, but not as good as you.”

“Fuck, I miss your hole, baby. So tight and warm…it’s perfect.”

Did you like stretching me open, Raphael? Mak...

“I want to feel your come inside, Raphael. Feel you spilling out of me. Would you like that? To see your come dripping out of my hole?” “Jesus…fuck, Jae.”

He laughs harder and I realize that it’s somehow become one of my favorite sounds in the whole world. Lee Jaehyun’s laugh.

“I miss every part of you,” I say and he sobers immediately.

It felt like a lifetime in some ways. Like a religious experience. I felt like that when I first saw you too. Like I heard angels singing or something.”

“Do you like my cock, baby?” I have no clue where it comes from but I blame it on the lack of sleep and the coke and tequila swimming around my blood. I hear him make a small, low, noise. “Mmm, yes. I do. I like it a lot.” “What do you like about it?” I run a hand over the thing in question, pressing my palm against it. “How it tastes. How it feels inside… how you fuck me with it.”

He said he missed me—I really fucking miss you, Jae—but it felt like more than that. It felt as though he needed me. I’d never had someone need me before. Not like that. If felt…good.

“You deserve better than to be hurt over and over. To have your heart broken over and over.” “We get better the more we practice at something, Ji-hoon. You were the one who taught me that.”

“If this is because of me…to prove something to me…to force this thing between us—” The laughter when it rises up is almost hysterical. “Aishh, not everything is about you, Ji-hoon.”

He is good and kind and when he looks at me…I know how he feels. He doesn’t hide from me.”

Where I hide from the world, Raphael wears his feelings proudly for all to see. He’d already told his mother about us, about me, like I was important and he was not ashamed.

“And he makes me smile and laugh. He makes me happy, Hyung, and you will not speak about him like you kn...

Because I don’t want to care for someone again. I don’t want to feel that alone again when they don’t care for me the way I need them to.

People who aren’t happy are very good at pretending that they are. I know this.

I’ve never worn lingerie before, but then I’d never had a reason to. Someone who wanted me to. Raphael wants me to. That makes me feel…hot. Needy. A little desperate.

“Well, I remember what I feel like in your arms,” I say. “Yeah? How’s that?” “Happy. Safe. Very aroused.” I add this last to lighten the mood.