Nathan’s Comments (group member since Nov 02, 2012)

Nathan’s comments from the Get to Know Nathan Daniels group.

MY BIG SISTER


“It's a sad and disturbing fact that my earliest memories of my sister, and my first sexual experiences, are one in the same. These painful memories are fragments and often attack me in the form of vivid flashbacks.

It's happening now, as I write this. I can see the horrific images in my mind's eye as if I witnessed them through an out of body experience... I often wonder if I did.”

JOURNAL ENTRY (Remaining Issues)


“I have put her through hell, and that knowledge pokes and prods at me. This poor woman has had to find me, crouched behind the boiler in our basement, hiding and raking my arms against the bricks. Drawing blood and trying to find my way back to reality. Trying to get away from things, she couldn't see.

"I JUST WANT TO DIE!" I screamed so loud the house shook and my throat hurt for days!”

SKELETON IN MY CLOSET


“As we entered the woods, I was well aware that I was willingly risking my life and flirting with disaster. I was perfectly numb to any emotions or rational thoughts. Novocain seemed to travel my veins, where blood use to flow. I was a vacant machine, programmed to die.”

JOURNAL ENTRY (Relapse at the Circus)


“The building appears to be on fire, and I can feel the intensity of its heat smothering me. It looks like the people in the front row are burning, but they're cheering for more, in muffled silence.

I'm distraught, and look to my family. They're applauding silently, and then disappear in a pulse of darkness. The next time I find my way back to the world, my eyes are following the broken lines on the highway. The sky is dark, and we're heading home.”

ANOTHER POEM (My Shadow)


“Fucking shadows… my most consistent imaginary friends. Writing extensively about a forgotten night spent on a rock in the woods was a reminder of the first time I saw the shadows come creeping to life. To this day, when I'm nervous, lost, and alone, I can still see them slide across the walls and floors in unnatural motion.”

BEING A SATANIST


“I won't be alone though. All the unbaptized babies get to go to hell too. All the homosexuals will be there, the atheists, agnostics, and people who chose other imaginary beings to pray to.

Even the harmless, pacifist, hippies who worship nothing more than their mother Earth will earn eternal damnation in a lake of fire for their failure to bow down to Yahweh. It seems like a flawed system considering a "Supreme Being" designed it.”

JOURNAL ENTRY (Tired Ramblings)


“I find it strange that our society treats pornography as taboo, but horror films are a mainstream past time. I think most reasonable folks would agree that there's nothing wrong with consenting adults having mutually enjoyable sex.

I'm also sure most would agree that torture, abuse, and murder are reprehensible acts that there's no room for amongst civilized people. It just strikes me as weird that we look down on the porn industry as if it were a shameful, tasteless, thing. Yet we collectively wait on the edge of our seats for the next installment of Saw, or Friday the Thirteenth.

If it's fine to enjoy the sights of people killing each other… destruction and dismemberment, why do we blush when we admit we like to see other people fucking?”

FAILING WITH PAULA


“I was convinced that Paula was sick, and I'd only just begun to scratch the surface, but it didn't matter. I was committed to do whatever I could for her, because I felt so strongly that I owed her my life.

I started to think that I might be able to save her, as she'd done for me, and I would do it or die trying. It was a powerful feeling of obligation that I mistook for love.”

JOURNAL ENTRY (Suffering the Aftermath)


“These Cycles that I go through are so frightening and traumatic, I have no doubt they've collectively taken years off my life. How could it not hack away at my mortal longevity?

It was so bad this time that I really thought I couldn't possibly survive. I felt those familiar demons start pushing and shoving their way into my mind again. Breaking things, like inconsiderate houseguests.”

MY OWN PERSONAL GHOST STORY


“I didn't think twice about the giggling claim of a supernatural event taking place, but instead saw it as a great time to dress up in the maid’s costume I mentioned, and scare them with a big butcher knife.

After I had my fun, I decided to hang out with them for a while and watch them make fools of themselves with Milton Bradley's portal to the land of the dead. I helped myself to a beer, and sat behind their little circle, so I could figure out which one of them was the ass-hole.”

JOURNAL ENTRY (Establishing a Plan)


“I blame my Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, for my all or nothing approach to working out. I've always been so anal about what time my next meal is. How many calories are in it, and what they consist of. What times of day to take the plethora of different supplements I'm on, so they work at maximum efficiency, etc.”

LOVING HAILEY


“My prediction for us is a long and happy relationship. We will raise wonderful children into amazing adults. We will have fun and enjoy life whenever we can, and help each other through the tough times when necessary. When we're old, we'll hold arthritic hands, and see a rich history of true love in each other’s eyes.”

JOURNAL ENTRY (New Beginnings)


“It’s impossible to enjoy lovemaking when you’re studying you’re partners face for signs of suffering. After a while, I just tried to leave her alone in the bedroom. Paula being Paula, then complained that “real men” initiated sex occasionally. As usual, I couldn’t win with her.”

STEP-PARENTHOOD


“In the blink of an eye, Amy went from carrying a Disney Princess backpack and reading Green Eggs and Ham, to sharing a wardrobe with Hailey and dreaming about falling in love. David was quiet and shy as a small boy, but now stands two inches taller than I do, and can be the life of the party with his sense of humor and silly brand of charm. It's been a great honor, being part of their lives, and watching them grow up.”

JOURNAL ENTRY (I Want to Live)


“Thinking back now, it gives me the chills. I can see myself in the basement that night… stoned, with a deep gash bleeding down my leg, and that pen in my trembling hand. I can remember how scared I felt, and how intensely close I was to death.

In my mind's eye, I can see the grim reaper standing behind me, as I sat at my desk, thinking to himself... "He's really going to do it this time!"

CHRISTOPHER


“It's only natural that I would reflect back on the relationship I had with my own father, as I held my son that night. I promised him softly, but with perfect conviction, that I was going to be a better daddy than the one I'd known.

I put tiny kisses on his forehead and promised him that he would never have to be afraid of me. I rocked him gently, and told him he was safe and I would shield him from the horrors of the world for as long as I possibly could. I loved him, as I do now, and I always will.”

JOURNAL ENTRY (What I've Learned)


“The desire to commit suicide is the heart of the recurring battles I've been facing for the last twenty years. I've defined these Cycles, as times in my life interrupted by mental illness, rendering me incapable of functionality. This is true of course, but more to the point, the Cycles are the times in my life when I wanted to die.”

SURVIVING THE FOURTH CYCLE


“I found salvation in my journals. Just thinking about all the things that had been affecting me my whole life wouldn't do. I wanted to feel them, learn from them, and find strength and understanding where there had always been weakness and confusion.

I wanted to relive my hard life again, extracting from it what I could use to move forward and purging from it all that was holding me back.”

TMI, NEGLECT, & SOCIAL ISOLATION


I’ve written a lot about my experience with abuse… The sexual and physical versions I suffered at the hands of my sister, and the verbal assaults and emasculation delivered by my father.

Now, I’m going to suggest you can abuse without intent, and ignorance might be as damaging as malice. TMI, neglect, and social isolation added to my complicated issues and crippled my ability to fit in with the rest of the world.

Everyone in my family abused me, including myself. It was obvious when my father and sister were doing it… easy to see it for what it was. That’s not the case with my mother. I hate admitting this, and it’s taken me a lifetime to do so, but my mom also abused me.

I know it was unintentional. She struggled with many issues of her own, so I can easily understand and forgive the mistakes… but I had to acknowledge them first.

Here, I want to outline three, less obvious, ways my mother abused me and further programmed me for a lifetime of inner-turmoil.

From my article for, "The Good Men Project."
CLICK TO READ - http://goodmenproject.com/conflict/th...

VERBAL ABUSE


In the midst of a childish argument with a friend he might appear, smoking and drinking, demanding I handle my problems with my fists, again… like a man. He would yell and call me names like pansy or mama’s boy. He’d look down at me across the dented red and white beer can he pressed to his lips, punctuating his disgust.

Situations like that always ended in me bursting into tears in front of my friends —friends whose dads played Atari with them at night, and catch with them in the afternoon. Friends, who would no longer be allowed to play with me anymore, after they ran home with tears of their own and another story about Nathan Daniels’ psychotic father.

When I took interest in bodybuilding, martial arts, and wrestling, I decorated my walls with posters of Hulk Hogan and Bruce Lee. My father tore them down and called me a homo and a fag. His words bludgeoned me, as if he were throwing rocks at me instead of insults. I was the daughter he never wanted, he said.

From my article for, "The Good Men Project."
CLICK TO READ - http://goodmenproject.com/conflict/th...