Library Lady 📚 ’s Comments (group member since Feb 16, 2014)

Library Lady 📚 ’s comments from the Beta Reader Group group.

Your book sounds intriguing. I think your blurb tells too much of the plot, though. If you can focus mostly on the first 30 pages, the inciting incident that gets the book going, the implications, and what your MC wants/what choice he must make, I think you'll be there.

SOOOOO much better! I know what story I'm reading now. I love it!

Maybe you could say "Can Matt stand strong..." so it doesn't sound like a name. I think this one is much, much better. Maybe you could put the line about Kendall in as an obstacle for Brenda (in that same paragraph) so we know about the love triangle and it fits into the plot better?

Are you offering to beta read or give a review on your blog? While we all love reviews, this forum is specifically for beta readers.

Please move this to the correct folder. Thank you.

I'm moving this to the correct folder.

Make perfect sense.

HOWEVER. Instead of jumping from one character to another in the BLURB, I would focus on the storyline that is the main plot. If your readers have followed you from book 1 (presumably most will have), they will be expecting it to have a similar format (multiple pov). They will already know most of the characters and who they want to root for.

So you want to really hook them in to what's happening in this one. What is the catalyst for the action that will take place and carry us through the book? I know what all your characters want. But what are they DOING? What happens to set off the action and carry the plot?

It's definitely better.

Is this book from multiple POVs? If so, who are the POV characters? Who is the MC?

Getting closer! I can give more feedback if I know who the main focus is on.

You might want to post this in the blurb critique section as well. Your blurb doesn't give much to go on.

Good luck!

Yes, I'd be happy to look at them. Or, you could post them here, scary as that is, and get more general opinions. I'm only one (very opinionated!) reader.

Thanks!

Actually I think "Gladiatrix" is a pretty catchy title...but then, I think Gladiator/Matrix, and some people might think Gladiator/Dominatrix, so maybe not!

I will try to be more specific as far as suggestions (and hopefully not harsh):

Your blurb begins:

MEGADOME! LET THE GAMES BEGIN! (Is their actual games? Or are they fighting to save the city? This could be more clear, or leave it out).

In order to live in the nation’s number one city, fighting to the death is mandatory. (Is the #1 city Mega 1? Or Omega 4? I'm assuming it's Mega 1, but this could be more clear or left out altogether).

Omega-4 has crumbled. Famine and disease have decimated the city, and the only way out is to migrate to Mega-1 – ‘City of Prosperity’. (I could live without the city names, which are similar and I don't know about them yet, so it makes it confusing. A blurb should be very simple and clear. You can lose an average reader like me with too much detail.)

Lucy, eighteen years old, does everything in her power to leave Omega-4 in order to save her mentally sick mother and two starving younger sisters. Trekking across perilous terrain isn't her only problem – but hiding a rare genetic condition is. (This whole bit could be tightened, shortened, etc. "18yo Lucy does everything in her power to leave her crumbling city to save her family...." Is she already in the arena here? I'm sure this is all very clear to you, since you wrote the book and know it so well, but having never read it, the blurb leaves me confused at every sentence).

Difficult to travel abroad with migrators, the others become suspicious of her standoffish actions. Now, Lucy and her family have no other choice then to travel alone after a murderous attempt on their lives nearly end in death. (I'd cut all or most of this, as it sounds like summary of events).

What she doesn't anticipate upon entrance through the protective walls of Mega-1 is becoming a spectacle for their long-time initiated Cleanse Act - the removal of citizens at random through violent tournaments. (here's where your real story begins. I'd focus more on this part, with only a sentence or two to introduce her circumstances before she arrives).

Capturing hearts, shattering lives, and becoming exposed, she becomes 'the daughter in armor' for the blood-soaked dome. (exposed has a sexual connotation that conflicts with the rest of your synopsis...I think 'wardrobe malfunction' when I hear it :)

Through the struggles and sacrifices, Lucy Grove will ignite a fire that spreads wildly across a broken nation. (Nice sentence, but might give away too much and the fire imagery reminds me of Hunger Games, which from your previous comments you do not want).

I hope that helps and is not too harsh!

Thanks, guys! That does help. I may call a local gym and see if I can at least talk to a trainer.

I'm writing a novel and need some advice from someone who works out at a gym and knows the lingo. I haven't been to a gym in about 20 years and could barely tell the difference between a treadmill and a bench press, so I'm sure I have it all wrong!

If a guy is working out and say he gets a trainer, how would the trainer ask about his current strength? I'm guessing he wouldn't say "how much can you lift?" which is what I would say :)

Would he say something along the lines of "what do you press right now?" or "how much is your bench press?" Etc...Is there some newer lingo a guy would use?

Based off this synopsis alone, I'm sorry, but I would not read this. I think you have a good story here, but your blurb is riddled with errors that make it difficult to understand. I would work on really polishing it up, using correct grammar, etc, and it will be much more likely to entice readers.

Blurbs are excruciating for every writer...take your time. You'll get there!

You might try adding this to the 'blurb critique' section as well.

I would use this as the first line:

"Curiously, my real story begins with my death." It's a better hook.

As long as you are aware of them, it could be a character quirk, so I wouldn't say you have to get rid of all of them. As long as only one character does it (like swallowing hard when he's nervous).

Thanks Jim!

I've added this to the folder with cover art and blurbs. Feel free to post your first lines!

Thesaurus: How many of us have read a comment wherein a critic of Twilight accuses Mayer of 'raping the thesaurus'? I have seen that a dozen times. So beware the thesaurus! I use it mostly to find just the right word, if I have one that is similar to what I'm trying to say but I know it's not right. Sometimes, the exact word escapes me and the thesaurus helps. But I would be cautious of using it too much (remember what happened to 'said'... it got so ridiculous that nowadays, we have to stick with the basics).

Repetition should be used deliberately, IMO. If it's there for a purpose, use it. One of my characters may have a nervous tick, so I'd repeat that whenever she was nervous. But, then you have to make sure your other characters don't do that, or everyone is pulling on their earlobes all the time!

Success! Lol...

I agree, a shorter blurb and less synopsis. According to the agent blogs (blurb=query letter, basically) all you really need to put in is the inciting incident that gets the story rolling (think first 30 pgs). So if some of your blurb gives away too much, it's probably bc you're trying to sum up the entire plot. But you just want to draw the readers in. Give them the horse, not the cart!