Library Lady 📚 ’s Comments (group member since Feb 16, 2014)

Library Lady 📚 ’s comments from the Beta Reader Group group.

I'd change "spirit energy" to "spiritual energy" or something different. "spirit energy" sounds weird to me.

I think your book sounds fascinating, esp. the parts about the boost. But your blurb doesn't really do it justice. This is a unique concept (for me, anyway) and your blurb sounds kind of ho-hum, like every other book out there. I'd pick it up, maybe, but with a stronger blurb, you could turn that to a definitely.

More specifics: I like the hook line. But I'd cut the first 2 sentences of the paragraph. It's way overused (she was so normal--now she's not!) in blurbs. Then if you start like this: "Shortly after Lidia meets Ander, normality becomes a thing of the past" you get to sneak in that things used to be normal without starting with a cliche. Then I'd add a couple sentences about your plot. You have told us about the world, but nothing about what actually happens in your book.

Hope that helps!

Agree with Nathan. Also, it's more important that your chapters are similar in length than how long they are. Your readers get used to that, so if some of your chapter are 30 pages and some are 3, it's jarring.

Also depends on if you're seeking traditional publishers (who will want similar lengths) or self publishing, where you can do whatever you want.

I actually think the info you put in your last post is more interesting than your blurb! lol...But really, I would work in some of that. Dan is right--a standard blurb is 200-250 words. Your hook is good. So let's say you start with synopsis #3 (actually your hook), then go on to tell us about your story. And then maybe add a sentence at the end about how you are righting the wrongs or telling the story of the bad guys. After all, every villain is the hero of his own story.

This is really long and complicated. It feels more like a synopsis than a query. I'd streamline and cut from this to shorten it. Start with the big event that sets off the action in your novel. This seems heavy on backstory.

I know it's hard to put yourself out there, but I'd suggest posting it here for suggestions. I mean, if you're going to send it out for agents to see, you might as well get used to letting others see it!

I can also offer suggestions. I've written what feels like a million of these things!

That sounds really cute. You might also want to stop by the blurb critique section to get some help there.

Good luck!

Thanks, Lin!

I'm closing this topic--KZ, if you'd like me to open it again or delete it altogether, just let me know.

Nice cover, and your story sounds fascinating, too!

I do a lot of critiques on Absolute Write, so that doesn't bother me. Critiquing queries has taught me a lot about making my own queries stronger.

The shadows on the face distract me, but only b/c at first glance, it looked like she had a goatee! Lol...I like it otherwise.

Hi, everyone! I've recently received several complaints that authors are asking for reviews in this group. I know how important reviews are, but *please do not seek reviews here*.

This group is for the pre-publication stage. I'm pretty lax about letting people post services or requests for anything that happens before publication--editing, beta reading, alpha reading, chapter swaps, cover design, blurbs etc. There are dozens of review groups on Goodreads. Let's keep this group purely focused on the stages before publication.

I have also added this to the group rules. I have had to delete posts asking for reviews more and more lately. Please follow the rules of the group.

Thank you!

I've heard of it, but I haven't joined. Thanks for the tip, I'll check it out!

Jim wrote: "Dear Lena, what is the proper group to offer paid editing services then?

Thank you..."

I don't mind people offering editing or beta services here, both paid and free. Paid reviews, no. There are too many review groups for us to feel the need to do that here. This is for authors in the pre-publishing stages. I have amended the rules to include this.

Thanks for bringing the issue to my attention!

No, absolutely not. This group is for beta reading. There are many, many groups for book reviewers. This group serves a different function, for a different stage in the process.

It's better. Jim's suggestion is good, but that LONG sentence is too wordy for a blurb. I have to read it several times. You want someone to breeze through your blurb and say, "I HAVE TO READ THIS NOW!!!"

You don't want us to be confused or have to work too hard. You don't want anything to slow us down. I'd cut that into at least two sentences, like you had it before, or even three.

Sorry, still confused! Lol...

Again, it starts well, and the last paragraph is good.

Most blurbs want to take you through the main conflict and just about up to the climax or choice the character must face. You don't want to give away the ending.

Is death an actual being, personified, in your book? Is death catching up to her because she was frozen and now she's aging at rapid speeds? And I still don't know why she doesn't trust the robot. Is someone controlling the robot that she doesn't know? Or is he a sentient being and it freaks her out?

I'd like to know who she's up against. Who's the antagonist. I want to know about these demons.

Something like..."That's about to change. A band of rogue robots are out to kill off the last of the cryonically (sp?) frozen humans so they'll never remember a world where they ruled over machines and try to take back control!"

Lol...I need to know about what she's up against.

General rule of what to include:

(Protag) must overcome (obstacle/antagonist) in order to (goal), otherwise (stakes).

I know your character & world, but nothing about your plot. This is a good start. I like the first three lines. But then you might want to jump into a bit about what actually happens in your book.

Your last line is vague and sounds like it's meant to entice the reader without actually saying anything about what your character faces.

Moving to correct folder.

I like the beginning, down to "enclave." Then it gets very vague and kind of lost me.

Danger is fast approaching their enclave...what danger? Why? Why can't she trust Sigma's motives? How are the marvels 'unseen'? How is time running out? This brings in WAY too many questions for a blurb. Mystery is good, confusion is not. There was enough mystery in the first few sentences.