Dwayne’s Comments (group member since Apr 01, 2017)

Dwayne’s comments from the Support for Indie Authors group.

Eliza wrote: "I am making a good salary from home $1200-$2500/week , which is amazing, under a year back I was jobless in a horrible economy..."

Uh huh. Sure. Stop it.

Eliza wrote: "now it's my duty to pay it forward and share it with Everyone, Here is I startedc MORE INFORM PLEASE copy and paste HERE..."

And it's my duty to tell you that you're not "paying anything forward". You're spamming all over our group and you've been reported. No one needs your spam here.

Eldon wrote: "I have flagged message 11 as spam."

As a moderator, you can delete these, too. I'm also reporting this person to Ann. She needs to be removed (Eliza, not Ann).

Eliza wrote: "I am making a good salary from home $1200-$2500/week..."

You said this elsewhere. It's off topic here, too. In fact, nothing in your message fits what this group is about.

Eliza wrote: "I am making a good salary from home $1200-$2500/week..."

Good for you. It's off topic, though.

Margaret wrote: "My book is listed on Goodreads, but I am confused about how to get it reviewed by this support group."

I'm not sure where you got the idea we do reviews here. We don't. We also don't allow links in posts. Thanks.

Brenda wrote: "Scrivener for me."

Comment deleted due to the link and picture of your book cover.

Phillip wrote: "Anne wrote: "I'm also a reader that skips over excessive descriptions. I don't want five pages describing the dress your character is wearing."

So true. I hate this. To be fair, I started with screenplays before moving to novels. Doing something like you wrote above leads straight to the rejection pile (which, coincidentally, is where my stuff goes, anyway)."

I sometimes believe I am the only writer that laments the passing of descriptive writing. I am turned off by books that lack descriptions. I want to know what your settings look like. I want to know what your characters look like. I want to know what they're wearing. If a writer can't tell me any details about the story, I assume they aren't really invested in it and I can't be bothered to imagine what they can't describe.

I can see it for screenplays, but not novels. In the final version of a movie, we have the actors, we have the sets, we have the costumes, the blanks are filled in. In a novel? We don't have that. And if you can't tell me what things look like, I will assume your characters are stick figures talking away in a white room and I'll get bored of it.

Anne wrote: "...assume they're still smiling at the end ..."

I'd also assume they're psychotic for smiling that long.

Brandon wrote: "Do you still feel that it is too long?"

Yes. I tried reading it yesterday and couldn't get past the first few sentences. I held back on my opinion to see if others felt the same.

I'm guessing you mean forty thousand words? So, it's a novella?

I try to be critical on blurbs and covers, but this one... is quite nice. I love the color pallet you chose. The images are a bit cliched, but it works. I think they'll draw in the audience I assume you're going for.

Joe wrote: "Thanks for your comments Dwayne and Jane. I thought I'd keep what happened a bit of a mystery, I wouldn't want to divulge a major event in the blurb."

I've learned over the years in this blurb workshop and working with my own blurbs, this is a common desire among authors writing their blurbs. I get it. I used to think the same way. I've learned that blurbs are a lot more interesting and intriguing if they give away big events in the book. Of course you don't want to give all the secrets, mysteries, and plot twists away. The blurb you have gives nothing away. All we can get is something happened to someone named David and it had an effect on two of his friends. We know they changed their names for reasons not given and somehow all this took a serious toll on one of them. That's it. Readers are looking for characters they can care about and looking for a story they can sink their teeth into. They want to know the plot, they want to know the stakes. Again, you don't have to give away everything. At least, however, give us a strong idea of what's going on. If I tell you I wrote a book about a man who was fairly content with life until some bad things happened to him and as he tried to put his life back together more bad stuff happened and he got to the point he didn't think he could fix it all and wanted to give up, I'm betting you wouldn't be interested. Most readers wouldn't be. If you want people to buy your book, give them some idea ahead of time what they're buying.

Not bad, but it could be stronger. What happened to David? Keeping it a secret weakens the notion that it affected Lauren and Matthew for the rest of their lives.

Throwing a lot of names into a blurb can make it confusing. It's not necessary at this point to know what Lauren and Matthew changed their names to. I'd leave it out.

I'm wondering if you meant "toll" instead of "toil".

The last line is fuzzy. It's not clear what you're getting at. Not a good way to end a blurb. I don't know who "the other" is.

It might be good to have some solid details in here, too. As it is, it's all a little vague.

Phyllis wrote: "Hello indie authors. .... "

Comment deleted. Review the rules. No links. No self-promotion.

This is a style choice. You'll be told some false rules here and there that chapter titles are for children's books and whatnot, but they aren't. Some authors like them, some are happier with just numbers.

Personally, I like chapter titles. But, I have enjoyed many books that didn't have them, too.

Jeremy wrote: "Woo... tough room."

Yes, it is. I've ran a number of blurbs and covers by this group. Sometimes the feedback feels harsh, but we're giving you an idea of what potential readers might think.

Lyvita wrote: "Does any use Scrivener and grammarly?"

I think the whole conversation has been about Scrivener. I'm probably the only one who doesn't use it.

Not sure where you saw 10%, but I don't think it was here. Even if they read one page, you should see something on your report.

Oh. You changed the opening post to a new version.

The entire first paragraph doesn't work in a blurb. The City of Cytherea sits high on the tallest mountain of Venus. It is a gleaming jewel that shines atop a desolate hell. I don't really get this. Do you mean "desolate hill"? If so, the second sentence basically repeats what the first already told us, and the first wasn't exactly a grabber. If you really mean it sits in hell... it's kind of intriguing that hell is actually located on Venus, but confusing that a nice little city would be located in hell.

The golden fields of grain, fruitful orchards and prolific mines that surround it provide its citizens with everything they need. I'm looking for a story. I get fruit and grain. I'm putting the book down by this point. Even someone like me that doesn't mind slower fiction is lost, trying to find a story here. Citizens sitting around picking and eating fruit isn't very exciting. Save the descriptions for the book. Keep the blurb popping.

The city’s infantry force, made of men trained at birth to serve the state, defend the city’s border. Literally trained at birth? That's kind of interesting, in a way. But, still, I'm not getting any notion this place is in any real danger. So... might as well be defended by babies, I guess.

Over of this, Rainha Isabel Maximilliano sits at the head of a regime that maintains total control over all aspects of the city. So, all is hunky dory. Nothing to see here. Everything is in control.

But when Isra Jicarro and her team arrive from Earth to broker an alliance with Cythrea, they discover unsettling signs that the city that Isabel shows them is not the city as it actually is. What? It's a good idea to read your blurb aloud to yourself when you think you've finished, just like you do with your novel. It will help you catch confusing sentences like this. It's overly wordy and doesn't flow.

Viekko Spade, the team’s security officer, notices that every single man and woman in the city is beautiful; the epitome of human physical perfection. Well, that's nice that they have beautiful people. Must be from eating all that fruit. Still, no real signs of a story here.

Cronus, the team’s computing expert, finds a Cythrean woman trapped in a stifling caste system. My brain has gone fuzzy trying to keep track of all these names.

But when Althea Fallon, the team’s medical officer, discovers what happens to the children that don’t meet Cytherea’s physical standards, she stumbles onto the vicious truth behind the city. Mixed feelings now. First, we're tossed yet another name to try to keep track of. But, we are also finally given a hint there might be a story here. Far too late for that.

The staggering consequences of this discovery forces every member of the team to make a choice, flee the city before the might of the Cytherean army, or fight against Isabel’s tyrannical regime and plunge the only human city on Venus into total chaos. The best sentence of the blurb, though it is wordy.

Take V.M.'s advice. Short, exciting blurbs work best.