Dwayne’s Comments (group member since Apr 01, 2017)

Dwayne’s comments from the Support for Indie Authors group.

Ann wrote: "a link"

Stop it.

I absolutely love the mountains, sky, clouds, moon, and sun. The bus? Not so much. It looks like its floating and it doesn't really fit with the background.

Please. One thread per blurb. No need to start new ones whenever you make changes. Thanks.

It's okay, but something is missing. It seems that the central plot of the book is about Levi's secret, but you only allude to it here. You don't tell us what it is. You show us the curtains, but not the window. I get it that your character is living some kind of double life and it's being kept a secret from others, but shouldn't your readers be allowed to know what it is? Characters with secrets are as common in books as tics in a timber. What makes yours so special?

Overall, it doesn't flow very well, either. All of your sentences are long, which makes the writing drag. Punch it up with some short ones here and there.

Leah wrote: "Like some have mentioned here, we should write it how we feel it works for the story and characters."

This above all else. I know some disagree, and that's fine, but I have always believed we need to serve ourselves and our stories first, and the public second. You will never please everyone, no matter what. To address the topic at hand again, if you go soft with the sex, some will be disappointed at it being to "safe". If you go hard, some will be offended. The best way to go is to do what you feel is best for your story.

Micah wrote: "Anyone else finding all this reminiscent of Sir Gawain in Monty Python's Holy Grail?

No?

Just me?

"...And after the spanking … the oral sex!""

Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot!

Phillip wrote: "I feel compelled now to write about REAL high elves. They hang out behind a convenience store and smoke weed all day. It's where there magic comes from. These high elves will definitely use colorful language."

Oh, yeah, I know those guys. They're the ones on welfare after Santa fired them.

Leah wrote: "Whoa, Dwane. Whoa! Jk"

I was only doing what I call in my other profession "attention seeking".

Some reactions:

Since my story is fantasy, I can't go with many commonly used present...

Sez who? Because some other fantasy writer decided it didn't work for their book? Someone was the first writer to decide to write about elves or dragons or orcs. Someone else (or maybe the first someone) decided to include details of the sex lives of said thingies and maybe decided to use only medical sounding words like penis and vagina. Or maybe they went with light words like "manhood" or "vessel". Who says you have to do the same? If words like "cock" or "pussy" or "cunt" or "dick" fit your world, use 'em.

But 'dick' or 'pussy' would sound VERY out of place for a high elf. I know enough about fantasy to know that there is a stereotype that high elves are prissy, but why should that always be? And a high elf is, maybe, all hoity-toity prim and proper in public, but turn into a raving beast behind closed doors. Again, just because others have decided high elves have to be "like this" doesn't mean they have to be "like this" in your book.

So, I guess, in the end it's up to you, the author, to decide how steamy you want it. How erotic do you want it? Or do you want it to be light and void of anything too steamy? Another alternative is to take the scene far enough (the characters kissing and disrobing and falling into a bed) that the reader knows what's about to happen, then cut to the next scene.

Or you could be a werido like me - in my second novel the language is pretty rough all the way through it, then the one and only sex scene comes along and takes about three pages, yet barely describes the sex act.

In a small, forgotten village at the forest’s edge, a half-elf warrior named Dramon watches helplessly as the birth of a child goes horribly wrong.

Unnecessary snark: Why are there only half-elves in fantasy? How come you never hear of three-quarter elves or eighth elves? Sorry. Your first sentence is eye catching.

Dramon is used to hardship. He is a Hybrid, half elf and half human, and he fights every day to survive alongside his kin. They can count on none but themselves and often turn a blind eye to what happens around them, but not always: sometimes they hear of humans on the warpath, raiding the elven border. Those rumours they never ignore.

Huh. The baby is suddenly forgotten. No longer important to the story. We seem to be onto something else. Speaking of forgotten, why do they need warriors to protect a forgotten village? Why worry about the rumors? If the village is forgotten, they don't have anything to worry about from the outside. Otherwise, this paragraph is pretty vague. It doesn't really tell me anything other than Dramon is fighting every day (against what?) and there are rumors now and then about humans.

Four seasons past, Dramon and a few other warriors were sent ahead of time to one of these settlements: they hoped they could stop the humans.

I don't know what "sent ahead of time" means. They can time travel? They went into the future, yet they were four seasons in the past? What is a season in the context of this book? What settlements are you talking about?

They were too late then, and Dramon feels like he's too late now…

It gets more and more vague as it goes along. Started solid with that baby, but the further it goes, the less I understand about the story. There are humans and there are half-elves and they're fighting for some unknown reason. And there may be time travel going on. That's all I'm getting.

The Day You Were Born gives a first glimpse of the fictional land of Thessian, introduces the Deathweaver Series and its main protagonists: the Hybrids.

Yeah, you need to have a solid sell on this book before trying to entice people into a series. The blurb is too much a brief glance. You need to pique interest. As it stands, this comes across as a generic fantasy story about a warrior who has to fight his enemies. So? How is your story different or special compared to other stories like it?

Steven wrote: "Good morning to all - a cheeky request..."

I have a cheeky request right back atcha... when you join a group, try reading the rules of the group and understanding what the group is about before you post anything.

We're not here for self-promotion, even if you are promising to promote anyone that promotes you.

Also, you posted in an area our head moderator uses to post info about our web site, which was kind of weird.

Shajahn wrote: "Hi Authors and Writers: "

Wow. You even posted this in the rules section without even bothering to read one word of our rules.

Not one.

Not one stinkin' word.

Whatever you're trying to peddle, go somewhere else. This ain't the place, Sport.

(If anyone happened to see the original post, don't fall for it. This is not how legit film producers look for manuscripts. It's a scam. Also, this genius says you have two weeks, but you have to reply by July 19, so he's not exactly good at math).

Maheen wrote: "I am a twenty year old..."

And everything after that broke several of our rules. Please review the rules of our group.
* No self-promotion.
* No hijacking.
* No links.

We're all authors here. We all have books to sell. But, we're not here to sell books to each other.

Not bad. I think this is pretty much what you want, for the genre you're writing.

This needs changed: "When he finds out that the girl he left behind is now single. He wants nothing more than to make up for the lost time." It would read better as one sentence, rather than a fragment and a sentence.

Also, I would like to see more of the conflict. What are they up against? A little more about these past relationships and how they're posing a challenge.

H.E. wrote: "..."

Deleting your comment.
1. You're way off topic.
2. You posted a link.
3. You're self-promoting.
4. Review swapping is frowned upon by Amazon and others and asking other authors to review swap is forbidden by our rules.

PLEASE! When you join a group in Goodreads, understand that you need to find out what the group is about and read the rules before you start posting willy-nilly. We're not here for this kind of crap. Take it elsewhere.

Both blurbs (really, they are pretty much the same) need some improvement. Both are plastered with what feels like unnecessary information and not enough intrigue. What do you think a reader would be more interested in, the name of Kenjiro Furukawa's video game, or the specifics about what she's dealing with? In one blurb, we're told she's afraid of the dark. In the other we learn she has a childhood fear. Pretty vague.

Similarly, we're told all these details about Yuki moving away from her aunt's home and even told what city she used to live in, then we're told she's coping with the loss of her grandmother. I'm far more interested in learning more about the loss of the grandmother than knowing Yuki used to live in Nagoya.

One hundred fifty words is a good goal. You can go a little over that if need be. I think if you cut back on the superfluous details, you'll have the room to tell us more about what your characters are facing. After all, the book is about their struggles and their bond, but the blurb doesn't really give us much information about either of those things.

Also, you misspelled "mountain" in both, somehow.

Anne wrote: "Here's a link, there's a link, everywhere a link, link..."

If you're serious about wanting help with your blurb, repost it. I'm deleting it because the first part of your post is a bunch of pictures and links to your other books. We're authors. This is a support community. We're here to help one another, not try to get each other to buy our books. No more links. Thanks!

I dunno. All I get over and over is, "He's an average guy and here's a list of superficial reasons I think he's average..."

He's met a few women. He's an awkward dancer. He's moderately good looking. He finished college. He had a satisfying life. Okay, what is interesting about this character?

I get what you're going for in that last line and it's possibly the only line in the whole thing that was interesting to me. What can you bring out of the book that might perk up the rest? As it is, it reads like an obituary written by a bored journalist.

Oh, and I loathe the trendy phrase, "_______ Strong!"

None are as big as vermilion.