Dwayne’s Comments (group member since Apr 01, 2017)

Dwayne’s comments from the Support for Indie Authors group.

I hear ya on the "I can't even...", Angela. I've often thought the same. Can't even... what? Fire up enough brain cells to have a complete thought?

A few phrases that have been pet peeves of mine for a while, now, that I haven't mentioned in this thread, yet:

Are you kidding me right now? People seem to say this whenever most anything goes wrong. A car breaks down and the driver says, "Are you kidding me?" Yes. It's a joke. Someone purposely sabotaged your car as a joke. Ha ha.

Or, someone is planning a weekend of biking or some outdoorsy thing and it downpours on that day and they ask, "Are you kidding me right now?" Who are they even asking? Do they think someone is controlling the weather and causing a rain storm as a practical joke on them?

I joined a number of facebook groups for people my age (80s groups, Gen. X groups) and for the most part they are fun, but most every day someone posts a meme with a picture of something that was popular years ago with a caption like, If you know what this is, you're old. The item can be anything from a dial telephone to an old remote control to a cassette tape. Sometimes it's stuff that is still on the market, such as a bottle of Tang. First of all, it's quite possible that any kid could know what these things are, even if they have never used one. Second, to me, "old" is more a state of mind than a tally of years.

Also, They couldn't make a movie like that today in reference to some film that would tread on modern sensibilities, such as Blazing Saddles. I guess as a writer who isn't afraid to challenge people a bit and doesn't like to tread softly, I just don't get it. If it bothers you so much that people are "too sensitive" challenge it. Create something that, yes, might offend some, but people like you would appreciate. It's gotten beyond ridiculous. Today in one of the above mentioned groups, a man posted a picture and had this long rant on it about how you can't post pictures like this anymore without offending everyone and how everyone has gotten too soft and sensitive. The photo was of himself as a baby. His dad was carrying him in one arm. In the dad's other hand was a beer. I know. SHOCKING! There were roughly three hundred comments and not one person said they were offended by the photo. So... I guess that's why stuff like this really bothers me. I think people are looking to be offended by stuff and even looking to be offended by those who are offended.

Everyone is too soft.

Except me.

Akindle wrote: "Thanks. I thought that all published works with 5 star reviews were much better than mine. How did those books get 5 stars?"

Ratings and reviews are nothing but personal opinions. Don't let the ratings on another book sidetrack you. Focus on your own writing and when you are ready, publish something. You'll probably get some five star ratings, too. And some three stars. And one stars... we all get them.

B.A. wrote: "My first try read like I was writing a nursing note. "

My first novel was written at age eleven. I co-authored with another kid my age. It was hand written, in pencil, on lined paper with crappy illustrations. The story was far too rushed, there were too many characters, and there was nothing resembling a real plot. We made up this character, a bit of a sissy kid who had lived a horrible, sheltered life, and we spent a hundred plus pages torturing this boy with one bizarre evil teacher or bully after another. Yet, he always came out of every situation completely ignorant that everyone hated him.

Dumbest book ever written.

Akindle wrote: "I have decided not to try to publish anytime soon. Those cover ideas might be used when/if I do publish. I was never great at writing anyway."

In time you could be great. It just takes some education and lots of practice. And patience and passion.

Akindle wrote: "I’m still a bit confused on what to do..."

Bottom line, I believe a lot of us are feeling you don't have a lot of experience in writing. That's okay! We were all once where you are. We're encouraging you to learn the craft before getting too serious about writing something for publication. Keep writing, of course, but not with the intent to publish. Not until you've taken some writing courses and read a few books on creative writing.

It's a great craft and a lot of fun, but you have to be willing to devote time to learning it. You have to have a passion for it or you're going to lose interest. You have to have the patience to write and rewrite and rewrite, edit, edit some more, keep editing, maybe rewrite again... it's a long process and there's a lot to learn, but the reward of finishing a book that you know people will enjoy is immense.

Akindle,

I took the scene of the grandma and Alice and wrote it the way I would do it. (At least, the way it would look as a first draft). This is not meant to say this is how you have to write. It's my attempt to illustrate some things that you can learn to do to make your writing pop. This is also not meant to be an example of great writing. As mentioned, it's a first draft. It's just showing how to bring out a little personality in the characters and add some emotion without repeatedly saying, "Alice is sad. Alice is crying. Etc."

Shortly after she turned thirteen, Alice was visiting her grandmother. Though the day had been hot and humid, the night was cool. The two sat on lawn chairs on grandma’s spacious, lush lawn, gazing up at the stars above. Grandma Caroline spotted a bright Perseid. In an excited voice, Alice announced she spotted another, equally bright. With laughter in their voices, they made a contest at spotting Perseids, attempting to see who could find the brightest, though from that point on, the Perseids appeared dimmer and dimmer from their vantage point.

A breeze chilled them momentarily and the laughter left Grandma’s voice. “Alice,” she said. Her eyes were turned now toward the grass at her bare feet. “I have something to tell you. I’d like you to stay strong.”

Alice gave a slow nod, her eyes wide with curiosity, her heart increasing its rate. Her hand found her bare knee and she gripped it, preparing for the solemn news.

Grandma’s eyes were drooping and wet. Alice hadn’t seen that look since the day her grandfather passed away. “The doctors tell me I have cancer and they’re not going to do diddly squat about it. They say I’m too old and the cancer is far too advanced. I’m dying. They’re giving me a year to live.

“No,” Alice said. Her lips trembled. Her palm dampened with cool sweat. “Grandma, no. They have to do something. They have to!” Though Alice was old enough to understand death, she was still naïve enough to believe doctors should be able to work miracles. Her eyes burned and the image of her grandma’s worn face swam before her in her tears. She wiped with a furious arm to clear away the tears.

“Your parents know and they thought it best you hear it from me. And so, here we are. I’m sorry. The doctors say there’s nothing they can do at this point and any attempts would be futile.”

Alice regarded her grandma and felt her stomach turn inward, twist and turn. Her throat tightened. There would be no more late night chats. There would be no more Scrabble championships. There would be no more Thanksgivings here on the farm. No more of grandma’s special gravy. Soon the hugs would cease. Soon the kisses would end. Grandma would be no more. Soon Grandma would be covered with a blanket of earth and lush grass, like that beneath their feet.

Caroline turned her face to the stars again and smiled. How is that Grandma was so calm about all of this? “I win. That’s the brightest Perseid I’ve ever seen.” She took Alice’s hand from her knee and held it. Her soft, aged hands were so warm. “Whenever you look up and see shooting stars, think of me. Will you?”

“Of course,” Alice said, feeling ready to choke.

“Please don’t tell your sisters. Someone will handle that when the time comes. It’s not your place to tell them. If you need to talk to someone, your parents will be there for you, and so will I as long as I can.”

The lawn chair toppled as Alice quickly abandoned it and wrapped her arms tight around Grandma Caroline. She wanted to say so much, she wanted to say everything. The only words she could blubber were, “I love you. I’ll miss you.”

“Love you, too,” Grandma whispered.

By the time Alice saw the Perseids the following summer, Grandma was gone. Seeing how ill she became with cancer was sometimes more than Alice could bear. The once strong, cheerful woman became weak, bitter, and tired. Pain. She was in so much pain Alice could almost feel it from her. As Alice watched the Perseids in her fourteenth summer, she felt an empty ache in her heart, still grieving her loss. Yet, some of the tears that spilled from her eyes were joyful, feeling blessed for once knowing such an incredible woman.

Show vs. tell is a tough concept, but study it. Once you get it, your writing will improve greatly. Who are some of your favorite authors?

It's not really a question of if she cries or not, and I don't see being strong and crying as being opposites. If you think Alice would cry in this scene, then she should.

The problem isn't that she's crying. It's that you tell us she's crying. You tell us she's sad. You're not letting us feel it.

Try this:

Jane's house caught on fire. Jane was scared. Jane wanted to get out of the house. Jane caught on fire. Jane panicked.

Or...

Flames burst to life on the greasy stove. The heat pushed Jane back into the wall and to her, the door seemed a mile away. Choking and blinded with smoke and tears, Jane searched for the door with her trembling hand. She'd never find the door, she told herself. She was going to die here. No! That wasn't going to happen. She knew she had to be near the door and with every ounce of bravery she could muster, she forced her hand to probe for the door. Instead, the sleeve of her blouse was consumed by the blaze. Every nerve in her arm became a blaring siren. Cold sweat ran down her back and she knew. She knew this was how she would die. In agony, she knelt on the rug, feeling it melt around her knees.

Neither are examples of great writing, of course, but I think you can see what I'm trying to do.

Akindle wrote: "Alice gave Caroline another hug and said, “I love you grandma.” Alice was trying to hold back the tears.
Is this any better?"

Slightly, but I had to compare both scenes side by side. At first read I couldn't even tell what had been changed. There's still far too much telling and no showing. The dialogue is stiff and doesn't feel realistic. Alice is still coming across as a little girl rather than a teenager.

When I edit, I often times write the same scene multiple times until I get it right (or at least until it feels right to me). Changing a word or two here and there rarely helps a scene that isn't working.

Have you taken any writing courses? Read any books on the art of writing? If not, you would do yourself a huge favor by doing so.

Akindle wrote: "Oh, you don’t have to write every word they say."

No. You can carry the gist of the conversation as the narrator and only quote the stuff that most important, interesting, or reveals character. The part where Matthew is saying "capital this, lower case that, no spaces..." and Melody keeps saying, "Next please" was very tedious to get through. It didn't carry the story, didn't reveal character, and wasn't interesting. You can sum it all up by saying something like, "Matthew gave Melody the necessary information and she jotted it down on a piece of paper."

Akindle wrote: "I picked a random phone #. Don’t test it."

That will have to be changed or deleted. I'd probably leave it off altogether, since it doesn't seem to be important. If you need to have a phone number, the prefix should be 555. Anything else could be a live number and could get you into trouble.

The next day…
Alice’s Office
Alice checked her email on her laptop. She hoped that the response would come from her boss that they had gotten follow-up data and neither object would ever impact Earth, even though she knew that this was unlikely, short of a miracle from Jesus Christ, the son of mankind. She saw an email from her boss, Matthew Collins. She opened the email and took a deep breath to calm down her pounding heart. She saw that they had gotten follow-up data that night from a couple of trusted colleagues(Melody Brown and Ashley Miles) and that data confirmed impact and helped narrow down the orbit of the two objects. The comet now had a 99.99999% chance of impact. Her boss said that she should report both discoveries in her name, because the acronym for the team name is so bad. She wondered who even came up with the team name ILLUSTRATOR? It stood for potentIaLLy hazardoUs aSTeRoid And comeT discOvery pRogram He also wanted to have her report both dangerous objects to the IAU that day and that he would deal with the normal asteroids and getting them checked and reported. She pulled up the IAU web page after searching for “IAU new comet form”. She entered in all the boxes, and in the comments she added, “Based on my data of five frames, six minutes apart and a pair of my boss’ trusted colleagues‘ collecting follow-up data, I believe this object is a Torino scale 10.0 and does warrant follow-up data collection. I was told by my boss to put this discovery and the other asteroids from that night under my name, at least for now because we need a better team name, and the objects need to be registered under someone or some team’s name. The object has a 99.99999 percent chance of impact according to data collected these past few nights. Impact date is December 13th, 2028.”
She then searched for “IAU new asteroid report form”. She quickly found it and filled in the blanks, and in the Comments section, added that it, too appeared to be a Torino Scale 10.0 and that it also warranted follow-up data collection, that she was told by my boss to put this discovery and the other asteroids from that night under my name, at least for now, that this is based on my data of four frames, five minutes apart and a pair of my boss’ trusted colleagues‘ collecting follow-up data on it, and we have computed orbital elements that take it on a June 2057 impact trajectory. Alice added a note about the fact that the ILLUSTRATOR program gave extra credit to the discoverer(s) and didn’t normally name an object after the team, with the team name.

Nothing at all new in this section. The asteroid is dangerous. Alice wants Jesus to help. The team name is dumb. Impact date is Dec. 13. I feel like what you have is a short story and you're using unnecessary filler to try to turn it into a novel. A great short story is a million times better than a lousy novel. If you don't have enough story for a novel, it's okay. Write a short story.

Dear Matthew Collins,
I have found two new potentially dangerous objects. One is an asteroid with the impact date of June 2057 and impact probability of 95%. In normal times, I would say deal with that one first, but the next is even worse. An Oort Cloud comet on its first trip in, has 97% chance of impact based on five frames from North Peak. Each frame is six minutes apart. The impact date is… wait for it, December 13th 2028. I have done analysis and it appears to be a massive comet, very dark, with a bit of a tail and not very much coma. The tail is visible after flat field & dark subtraction and a small amount of stretching. What should be the plan for naming the comet? I remember you saying, and I agreeing that our program name needed some work. Do we want to do it as C/ PROGRAM NAME or C/ DISCOVERERS’ NAME. The comet will impact Earth based on the data, so it will not get a P/ NAME name.
For the dangerous asteroid I have 4 frames, 5 minutes apart. What do we want to do for naming it? Because of date of other impact, we might be able to get 1-2 more orbits before impact of comet. Do we send the data to IAU? Do we use your contacts to get follow-up? We must get more info ASAP to narrow down the impact time and hope, almost against hope that the impact doesn’t happen. The normal amount of normal asteroids were also discovered. What do you want me to do about them. I’m attaching all image data and computations made from the data.
Thanks,
Alice Martin
That night, Alice’s bedroom
When Alice got in to her bed and told Meg to turn off the lights, Alice quietly said the Lord’s Prayer, “Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done. On earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not in to temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory. Forever and ever Amen.” Alice remembered learning this prayer in Sunday school. As she fell asleep, she hoped that God will save Earth from the apocalypse to come. She hoped for safety and that she was still going to be alive in a decade. She hoped that she will live long enough to have kids of her own and that they will live to grow up.
Colleagues of Matthew Collins, Temple Mountain Observatory
Melody Brown and Ashley Miles were planning their observation run for that night when the phone rang.
Melody answered, “Melody Brown here. You have reached the Temple Mountain Observatory. If this is not an urgent call, please call 541-465-2717 and we will respond to you later. We are busy planning our observation run for tonight.”
Matthew said, “Oh, good, it’s you Melody! This is Matthew Collins here. I need some follow up data on two hazardous objects that we believe, based on the data we have, will impact Earth. One is an Oort Cloud comet that has a 97% chance of hitting Earth. To make it worse, the impact date is December 13th, 2028. The second object is an asteroid that has a 95% chance of impact in June 2057. Are you too busy to slip in some data collection on those objects?”
Melody said, “Are you serious about that?!”
Matthew said, “Yes, Alice discovered them on a run at North Peak Observatory a few days ago. They need good follow up data by someone we both trust not to leak it to other people or the media yet. The clouds rolled in on North Peak Observatory the night Alice got the discovery data and haven’t cleared up enough to get another run of data on the targets. We are both trusting you and anybody else at the observatory to not leak this to the press. I don’t have a press release started, let alone finished and ready to release. If they got ahold of the news, I would be swamped in media requests. I learned that the hard way after my discovery of a stable Earth Trojan at Lagrange point L5, and a stable Earth Trojan at L4, a few years back. I had to rapidly write a press release after it was leaked to the press and I had like 150 media calls that week! I had to answer all calls with a prerecorded message saying, that if you are with the media, I will try to get back to you after I get the press release done.”
Melody said, “Just email me the right ascension and declination and projected orbital path for tonight and I will try to make sure you get the follow up data you need. It’s a thank you gift for getting us follow up data on this faint dwarf planet we found with three nights on North Peak’s ‘Big Eye’ Observatory last year named Persephon. Oh, and by the way, don’t worry. Me and Ashley wouldn’t tell anyone.”
Matthew said, “Okay, Melody. Do you want a positions file for Stellarium and SkyMap and PHDGuider? I can have someone make them if that helps.”
Melody said, “Sure, that would help. What are the objects’ temporary names? I mean, so I know what to look for in my massive Stellarium database. And why don’t you use the team name, instead of a team members’ name?”
Matthew said, “We are calling the comet Comet Martin for now because we have like the worst team name ever. Plus, my policy on objects discovered by this team is discoverer and the telescope operator(if they are working on discoveries, that is) gets extra credit and is identified by name on press releases. It solved the team name sucks issue. It also encourages people to spend extra minutes looking for objects. Calling the comet Comet Martin, instead of Comet ILLUSTRATOR sounds better, at least I think. ILLUSTRATOR was the best acronym we could come up with at the time, so we chose that for when we need a team name(like on some files), but we never ever name our objects with the team name. Someone took the data or double checked that the computer didn’t just see an image artifact. One of those people gets the naming rights. Plus, for the first time in forever, we followed regular IAU rules on the observer assigned temporary names. We almost never do that.”
Melody said, “What is the asteroid’s temporary name?”
Matthew said, “It’s temporary identity is Asteroid AMartin2025_08_20_NEO#17_NorPea_ILLUSTRATOR. Got that? I can email it if you don’t have that.”
Melody said, “Let me grab a Post-it and a pen.”Melody dug through her drawer and found a Post-it and a pen. She continued, “What is it again?”
“Capital A, then capital M, then lowercase a, r, t,i,n. No spaces.”
Melody wrote this down. “Next part, please.”
“Twenty Twenty five, underscore, zero eight, underscore twenty, underscore.”
Melody wrote this, too down. “Next, please.”
”Capital NEO, pound sign,seventeen, underscore.”
Melody wrote this part down. “Next, please.”
“Capital N, then lowercase o,r, and capital P, then lowercase e,a, underscore,”
Melody wrote that part down. “Next part, please.”
“Capital ILLUSTRATOR. And that’s it, Melody.”
“Oh, good. When did you swap to this new and slightly neater code format?”

Is it realistic to address your boss by the first and last name? I call my bosses by their first names.

I have a good friend who is an astronomer. Whenever he's talked about work, he's mentioned other people working with him. I suppose it's possible that an observatory could be manned only by one person, but it seems she's nearly completely on her own. Maybe I'm wrong, but it feels unrealistic to me.

In her letter to her boss, though, she seems completely unprepared and helpless, as if she's never had to name a comet before or something and isn't sure what she's supposed to do with data collected.

Yikes. Is that a real phone number in there?

Okay. At the point Matthew is calling Melody, we've been told data about these comets three times. It's getting tedious. Matthew seems awfully casual, but at least he has some personality. "Yeah, Alice saw a comet the other day and it might kill us all or something, so, yeah, if you're not too busy or whatever can you keep an eye on it?"

Sorry, but all this jabbering about the damned comet name is getting way, way too boring. Who cares? Just call it Martin's Comet and have done with it! The story is really being dragged down by this.

When writing dialogue you don't have to give us every last word they say. Let Matthew give Melody the name of the asteroid and keep going. We don't need all the detail of her digging around for post-its and pens and having the whole thing repeated. This is filler and it's really dull. You have a dangerous asteroid heading for earth and we're being given details about Melody looking for scratch paper.

A few days later…
Alice’s office
Alice was in her office, processing the data from a few nights ago. The computer ran her program, the one she liked to call Space Rock Finder. Alice looked at the numbers of objects found and the likelihood of them being real.There appeared to be a normal-length list, with 10 or so new objects. Two objects highlighted in red appeared on top. When she developed this program, she chose to have it highlight in red for objects that might to be dangerous to Earth. She clicked on the first object in the list. It showed a small bright asteroid slowly moving across the field in the five pictures. She scrolled down the Properties list until she saw Impact Date being June 2057 and chance of Impact at 95 %. The probability of it being real was good enough to request follow-up data to narrow down its orbital parameters. The June 2057 data was close enough we, as citizens of Earth needed to deal with it soon, but it could wait while she checked out the other object. At least for that object, we have enough time to get it out of Earth’s way, she thought, after seeing the launch windows, based on the data we have.
I will have to put in a request for follow-up data, she thought. It looks, based on eyeballing of the data, large enough to destroy a city, but not all of Earth. She goes back to the list of new objects and opens the second one. She read the list of properties and saw an impact date of December 13, 2028 and a 97% chance of impact. It appeared to be a massive comet and very dark for a comet.
Alice said to herself under her breath, “Oh, no! This looks even uglier than I thought it ever could be.”
She took a closer look at the data and the predicted keyholes. It had already passed through all but one of the spots, that, if it passed through, it would impact Earth. It looked like it was going to pass right through the center of the last of the keyholes. Humanity was almost certainly doomed. Alice knew that with the comet size and approach pattern before impact, there was only one tiny chance to hit it with a heavy enough impacter to push it off course and nuking it to push it off course with vaporized material would never pass in the current Congress even through it had a slightly longer launch window, by about 2 more weeks. The launch window for the heavy impacter was in 8 months and was only open for 4 weeks.
Because of her following the current news in politics, she knew the nuclear option would never fly because an old(20th century era) space treaty, called the Limited Test Ban Treaty banning nukes in space and the current president trying to denuclearize the world. It appears to have the longer launch window, but most of the extra time would probably be wasted trying to temporarily withdraw from the treaty(And after we withdrew for a little while, how many countries would withdraw for a while or permanently afterwards? And would Russia use that as an excuse to resume testing and cause all sorts of other problems?) and pushing it through Congress.
Alice folded her hands. Even though her family went to the local Episcopal church, she rarely went, except for Easter, Pentecost, Christmas Eve and Christmas after she became an adult. She still believed in Jesus Christ, but she was too just busy with work and life to find time for church. But this time, she knew praying for safety would be a good choice.
Alice said,”Jesus Christ, be with me. Be with me. Jesus Christ, be with me.” She hoped that Earth would be safe.
She closed her eyes and said one of the few prayers she had learned in Sunday School as a girl, changing some words to account for the different disaster approaching Earth, “My Father, My God and My Lord. A killer comet approaches, we have been told and warned of it, but still we are unprepared. Please protect us and protect our friends and neighbors and anyone on the Earth from the killer comet. Father you can calm any danger with but a word, and if it is your will I ask that you do so, but if we find ourselves in the middle of the danger, I know you will be with us always. May your name be glorified in all things. I love you and thank you. Amen.”
She unfolded her small hands and opened her brown eyes. She opened up her laptop and its web browser, opened Outlook and started drafting a new email to her boss, Matthew Collins.

We're told twice in a matter of a few words Alice is in her office. Be careful. You do this kind of thing a lot.

The parts where she's thinking to herself and then it goes back to the narration needs to be clearer. Put her thoughts or quotations or something. It's hard to tell where her thought ends and the narration continues.

The part about nuking the comet, Congress, the president, Russian, etc. is muddled and hard to follow. What is the realistic protocol for an astronomer to follow if they detect something so dangerous to the world? Shouldn't she be contacting someone immediately instead of sitting and speculating about how much red tape there might be after alerting someone?

I'm not one to knock prayer, but again... shouldn't she be notifying a superior or something by now?

Then she goes to email her boss. Is there no faster way to get his attention?

On the plus side, at least something is happening now.

Her phone timer beeped twice, pulling her out of her old memories. The 20 minutes of imaging on that target were up. Alice walked in to the observatory and walked over to the computer, which was in night mode to avoid wrecking her night vision. Then she entered the code on the computer to pivot to target XX(comet location), and do 30 minutes of data, and to send a text to her phone if things went bad. She had left the partly eaten burrito inside. She grabbed it and finished it off in a few bites. It was good. She grabbed her purple warm coat and walked over to the lawn chair, and looked up and watched the stars. She traced all the constellations she could remember and saw a single shooting star coming from Perseus, then another and another. She remembered watching the meteors with Grandma Caroline that year. She knew that Grandma Caroline would always be with her in spirit and through the shooting stars. Grandma Caroline taught her about science, following her heart and how to find the constellations. She thought that tonight might be the night of the Perseid shower.
She asked, “Hey, Meg.” Meg was her phone’s AI. She was good at answering Alice’s Google queries.
Meg said, “Yes?”
Alice said, “When is the Perseid meteor shower?”
Meg said, “I’m searching for:When is the Perseid meteor shower?”Alice waited a few seconds.
Meg said, “NASA.gov says that this meteor shower is tonight.” Alice remembered that night in 2014 when she watched that meteor shower with her grandma. This must be the 11th anniversary of that night.
She looked up and saw an especially bright meteor streaking through the star speckled night sky. Didn’t they call that a fireball, she wondered? She noticed a few clouds, but none in the area the telescope was pointing to. She checked her phone timer. 10 minutes left to go. She looked up and saw a few more meteors streaking through the sky. She also saw a few more clouds roll in. Would this be the end of her clear night? Her phone timer jingled. She walked back inside the observatory. More clouds rolled in. The weather sensors read readings that meant the dome should be closed. She sent the codes from her laptop to the telescope to close the dome, take calibration frames and copy all the night’s files to the scope server and her laptop. She grabbed the TV remote, turned off the room lights and started a movie, then lay back on the soft tan couch. She got through about half of it before deciding to get some sleep. Turning off the TV, she fell asleep in moments.

It's tedious. Nothing is really happening. It's good to include some action, some emotion, something to keep the reader interested. All Alice has been doing is dinking with a computer, eating a burrito, thinking of her grandma, and putting on a purple coat. At this point most readers will begin to wonder if there's ever going to be a story. It's also repetitious. We get it. She's an astronomer. She's watching for something to happen in Cygnus. She misses her grandmother. You need to be developing a story. Things need to be moving forward.

One of the most important questions an author can ask themselves as they write and especially during the editing is, "Would I want to read this book?" So, ask yourself, is this really a book you'd want to read? I'm not talking about the whole book as I assume eventually something happens. I'm asking you to take a look at these first few pages and be honest. Would this excite you as a reader?

One year later
Her whole surviving family was at Caroline’s funeral. Alice said, “Mommy, I miss Grandma Caroline a lot.”
Rebecca said, “Alice, didn’t grandma tell you that shooting stars are a reminder that she will always be with you in heaven.”
Alice said, “Yes, mom.”
John said, “It’s not easy to lose family members, even pets. I was upset when my dog Thor died, and we buried him in the yard, under the big tree, next to where you helped me bury Coco, our chocolate Labrador. Do you remember Coco?”
Alice said, “Barely. I was pretty little at the time.”
John continued, “But in time I got over it and so will you. I barely remember Aunt Margaret. She was widowed very young after her husband died young from a heart attack. I remember her giving me a cookie for a snack once when I was around the age you were when Coco passed away, and playing piano as I watched for around 30 seconds, but that was it. She gave me in her will her long deceased husband’s fishing gear with a note. The note said, “I may be no longer with you in person, but I will always be with you in spirit. Your father liked to fish, even if he doesn’t admit it anymore. I hope you will like to fish too. Love, Margaret.” He paused for a second, then continued ,” My father taught me how to fish and I taught you. Remember your first fish? Remember when I let you gently touch Aunt Margaret’s husband’s fishing rod for good luck?”
Alice said, “Yes. We had it for dinner. It was good. The lucky rod helped me by giving me the luck needed to catch the fish.”
John said, “Alice, one day you will get over it. It’s okay to always miss her in your heart, though.”
Alice said, “I miss her.”
John said, “I miss her too.”

Is it common for fourteen year olds to call their mothers "mommy"? Not saying this is terrible and needs changed, it just made Alice seem to be about three years old for a moment.

Actually, overall, reading all the dialogue again, Alice does seem very immature and kind of stupid for being thirteen / fourteen. She comes across as being about four or five. Teens tend to have a better grip on death than this.

The parents... wow. I kind of feel like you don't want them to come across as callous, but they do. "I miss grandma." "Meh. You'll get over it." "I miss grandma." "Meh. Shooting stars will make you think of grandma. I had a dog die. You did too. You'll get over it."

I would urge you to listen to how real people talk sometime. Commit yourself to listening to conversations. It's the best way to learn to write dialogue. This scene could be warm and pleasant. It has all the charm of a video game. A writer should make the reader feel something. I'm feeling nothing.

She was only barely 13 years old, having just turned 13 a few weeks ago, and with her grandma Caroline at her grandma’s house on the grassy lawn. It was a pretty summer night and had cooled down some from the hot, humid day it was when the sun was up. The two were sitting in lawn chairs and looking up at the night sky. Her grandma spotted a bright Perseid, then Alice spotted a bright one, then two, then a dimmer one, then more and more.
Her grandma said, “Alice, there is something I must tell you. Please try to be strong.” Her Grandma Caroline never acted like that. What could make her act like that? Alice was curious.
Alice said, “What?” Alice was waiting for her grandma to tell her what was making her act like that.
Her grandma said, “Alice, the doctors have told me that I only have a year to live.” Alice looked towards her grandma and had a scared look on her face.
Alice said, “What happened, Grandma Caroline?”
Caroline said, “The docs say I have cancer. Given how advanced it was, and how old I was when they caught it, they decided not to treat it.”
Alice said, “No! What!” Alice had a scared and worried expression on her face.
Caroline said, “I have told both your parents. They both agreed it was best for me to tell you here, tonight because I want to make sure you know before I pass away. I’m just acting in your best interest, my darling granddaughter.” Caroline Bush was trying to explain it to her granddaughter, without confusing her granddaughter, or making her oldest grandchild cry.
Alice said, “I… I… I will miss you a lot.” Alice tried to be strong and not cry. Hearing that her grandma was dying made her very sad.
Caroline said, ”Alice, shooting stars are a reminder that I will always be with you. Each time you see a shooting star, you remember me, all right.”
Alice said, “Yes, grandma.”
Caroline said, “Alice, don’t tell your sisters Rachel and Katie yet. They are just too little . Your parents will tell them when they believe it is the right time to tell them. If you need to talk to someone, you can talk to mom and dad or me or other adult family members. Also, death is just another part of life, my darling granddaughter.” Caroline knew, while this would make Alice upset, Caroline was just trying to protect Alice’s little sisters and help Alice.
Alice gave Caroline a hug and said, “I love you grandma.” Alice was trying to hold back the tears.
Caroline said, “I love you too, Alice.” She grabbed a small box from under her chair and said, “Alice, want a cookie?”

That first sentence is rough. Watch out for adverbs. They're often needless and you have two in a row that serve no purpose. "She was only barely13 years old, having just turned 13 a few weeks ago..." "Only barely" is clumsy and then you follow up by saying she just turned thirteen. It's redundant. Tell us she's thirteen and move on. Also, when denoting an age, write the number out, don't use the numeral.

"It was a pretty summer night and had cooled down some from the hot, humid day it was when the sun was up." Too wordy. Just tell us "It was a cool summer night, the end of a hot, humid day."

There's a lot of telling and not much showing during their conversation. Instead of telling us Alice is scared or curious or sad, show it. The dialogue is so stiff. This could be an emotional scene, a chance to really flesh out who Alice and Caroline are, but it doesn't. All we get is a woman is dying and her granddaughter is sad and then they have a cookie. Put some emotion into it! Don't just tell us Alice is sad. Show it! What does she do? Make a fist? Shiver? Stamp her foot? Wail? No, she just sits there and is sad and tries not to be sad. They might as well be robots.

Alice Martin paced inside the control room and checked the laptop computer. All of the telescope’s settings were looking great. Alice checked the time and went to the freezer to find a snack. After she dug through the small freezer, she found a frozen burrito. She put the burrito in the toaster and pounded hard to make it work. You had to pound hard to get the toaster to work because Oak Peak was operating on a low budget and only could spend a bit of money thus, only bought an older, worn out toaster, to help the department that funded North Peak Observatory save money for the MMT 2(Massive Monster Telescope 2, which was being constructed in Chile.) It finally worked after a few tries. She walked off and entered the code on the computer in night mode to tell the old refractor to pivot to the new target in Cygnus. The old metal scope creaked as the motors pushed the massive scope into position. She entered the settings to set the telescope up to take 20 minutes of data on the target and send a text to her phone if things went wrong, so she could come deal with it before something went seriously wrong. Alice pressed run, then grabbed her purple soft coat and walked outside. She sat down on her lawn chair tied to a couple of stakes to keep it from blowing away in the winds. She looked up and saw the stars, first a few, and then more and more as her vision began to adapt to the darkness. She saw the dark dust lanes weaving their way through the starry night sky.She saw the star clouds of the Milky Way in the bright areas appear to be like gems set in a black starry sky. Alice knew she was very lucky to be able to work in such a dark sky zone, with most of the USA being so light polluted, that you couldn’t even see the Milky Way or very many stars. After the COVID-19 vaccine was released in early 2021, life and light pollution went straight back to normal. She had always wanted to be an astronomer after she visited North Peak Observatory as a little girl with her sisters Rachel and Katie, her mother Rebecca and her father John. Her family had been in the small nearby town of North Peak for several generations. She remembered the first time she saw the bands on the mountain, as a little girl and asking her dad about them. Alice remembered her late maternal side grandma, Caroline Bush, who had taught her to always keep learning, among other things. She looked up and saw a shooting star. When she was a girl, still growing up, her Grandma Caroline had told her something, “Alice, shooting stars are a reminder that I will always be with you. Each time you see a shooting star, you remember me, all right.” She remembered that night when she found out that her grandma was going to die crystal clear.

Is it Oak Peak or North Peak?

Finding it tough to believe they can't buy a cheap microwave.

More reminders that night sky is dark and stars are bright. Okay.

By now we should be getting an idea of who Alice is. I don't mean that she's an astronomer. She's showing absolutely no personality. She makes a burrito, looks at the stars and think about her family and grandma. But, who is she?

I'm currently doing some writing of my own, but I'll pop in every so often and comment on a paragraph or two.

North Peak Observatory, 2025, Northern USA
It was a cool summer night in 2025 at the semi-remote North Peak Observatory. The observatory was located at the cold, dry and rocky summit of North Peak. The mountain was named North Peak after its beautiful north face that every winter was banded with hundreds of skinny bands of snow, like the Maroon Bells in Colorado. The telescope was an old 15-inch refractor that was upgraded to have a CCD and be mostly computerized to allow for a limited level of remote operation, however it had to have a person, in this case the scientist, there to manage it. The stars shone brightly that night, with the summer Milky Way arching overhead, from horizon to horizon and the dust lanes and dust clouds making the Milky Way look almost three-dimensional. The moon was down and it was just a slender crescent that wouldn’t rise over North Peak before it would be almost dawn. Cygnus, the constellation of the swan, the with some of the best nebulas were up. It was a perfect night for an astronomical observatory.
Inside North Peak Observatory, 2025

Very weak opening. By now I'm so sick of being told the story takes place at North Peak that I don't really want to read any more. I will, as I said, but if this were a book I picked up in a library or book store, I'd put it back down at this point. I don't mind descriptions in books, but they have to be interesting. Telling me the stars are bright is like saying the night is dark. Make it sparkle with something interesting!

Akindle,

The cover help folder is for asking for help with a cover, not for showing your story. If you want a critique of your work, we have a separate folder for that. In short, though, it needs a lot of work. A lot.